Letter to my Ex

As I sit here listening to music you gave me, I can’t help but cry. And cry harder than I have in probably a month.

It still hurts. The wounds are just as fresh as if we’d broken up yesterday. I can’t seem to make myself stop thinking about you. And I can’t seem to make myself stop loving you.

There are no words to articulate how lonely I feel, how hurt and betrayed I feel. You were my prince charming, my superman. I believed in you more than I believed in myself. I believed in us, and it feels like you just gave up.

I used to believe that love conquered all. Now I wonder if you ever truly loved me, at least, if you ever loved me the way I loved you. When I say “I love you” I mean it forever. And I wanted to spend forever with you. But now you’re gone. All of my hopes and plans, shattered.

How can I forget the way you treated me after we broke up?? How can I forget the pain you’ve caused?? Even though you’ve apologized, promised to try better, how can I forget those wounds?? In less than a month you managed to shatter every good opinion I had of you. And somehow, I miraculously still love you. I still make myself suffer in order to stay friends. I wonder if you realize that’s why I’ve stuck around.

You told me if it was meant to be, it will be. If not now, then later. But I struggle to believe that. I struggle to believe in fate. I tend to believe that “meant to be” is actually just a lot of hard work. And if we were “meant to be” you would’ve put in the hard work necessary to make that a reality. Even though you assured me otherwise a thousand times, I still manage to blame myself. I recognize the mistakes I made in the relationship, but I also believed that those were easy enough to overcome. I still feel like I could’ve done something different.

The man I met when we first started dating, is not the man that exists now. Yes change can be good, but I don’t know if I like who you’re changing into. I now find myself wondering if I’m in love with a memory. I don’t know if I’m even love with the “real” you anymore. Because the man I fell in love with, would’ve never hurt me the way you have done.

I want to believe that life will work itself out, but I’m scared. I scared I was wrong about believing we were soul mates. I’m scared of the future. I’m scared of who you’ll become. I’m scared of losing you a second time. And most of all, I’m scared I’ll never find someone who measures up to you. Even after all the shit you put me through, you still have many immensely positive qualities that I’m afraid I won’t be able to find again in the same person.

I wonder if you could ever really be the person I need you to be. I wonder if you could ever love me the way I need to be loved. I’ve searched endlessly for answers, about the future, and life, and fate. But still no answers have been found.

I wish I knew what to do. I wish there was a way to make you love me again. But I know there’s not. I wish I knew what the future held, but only time will answer these questions. I wish I could get inside your head and know why. Why did you say you love me and still wind up leaving me?? And what made you stop loving me?? It’s a thought that still baffles me, as I have never broken up with anybody. I’ve always been forced to stop loving. I just wish I could understand your inner thoughts, but those are something that even in our relationship, you hesitated to share fully.

I don’t know if I feel like writing more. It’s all seems repetitive after a while, and none of it makes a difference anyways. Writing about it doesn’t change the current state of things, it’s just a temporary emotional release.

I never stop loving people, and I know I will never stop loving you. I hope eventually I can deaden my love enough to move on completely. I hope you figure yourself out, at the very least to prevent you from hurting future girlfriends like the way you hurt me. I don’t know if I’m yet ready to say I want you to be happy regardless of whether you’re with me, but maybe I’ll get there eventually.

I just hope you never forget me. And always have good memories of me. Know that I loved you more completely and fully than I have ever loved anyone in my life. And know there will always be a room for you in my heart.

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About emilleejoyce

I am a yoga alliance 200 hour certified yoga teacher whose hobbies include growing cacti and succulents, cooking vegan food, and bicycling. My day job is in academic publishing.

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