I’m sitting here staring at the little screen of my iPhone and I want to write, but I don’t know what to say. I want it to be eloquent; I want it to sound like I spent hours agonizing over every word, but how can I write if I don’t know what to say??
Earlier today I was quite curious to have others’ opinions about fate, or destiny, or both. I’m not sure if those words are interchangeable. I’ve spent many a nights wondering about fate, and whether it exists. I’m Buddhist, and Buddhism tells me fate and destiny do not exist. Because I’m Buddhist, I don’t believe in an omnipotent and omniscient creator god who guides my life like my mother believes. But the human in me, the part that’s emotional, illogical, impulsive, it wants to believe, oh so desperately. Not so much in god, but in fate, in order. The human in me still has a hard time accepting the atheistic idea of randomness and chaos.
I’ve tried looking for answers, for evidence for and against the existence of fate, of divine providence; but I can find nothing. It seems fate is something you either believe in, or you don’t. There’s no evidence in either direction, it’s one of those faith prerogatives. But faith is something I have a hard time trusting.
I seem to pick and choose when I want to believe in fate or destiny. I’m currently accruing thousands of dollars in college loan debt, yet I have faith that everything will work out, I’ll be able to get a decent job after college. That implies a belief in….something. As a child I always believed I was put on this earth for a specific purpose, that I would accomplish something great one day. That sounds a little like destiny right?? Yet I can’t seem to make a solid decision of belief. I seem to cling to it only when it’s convenient or comfortable.
And the Dean Koontz book I’m reading, From the Corner of his Eye, brings up even more questions I’ve yet to find an answer to. If fate or destiny really does exist, can it be predicted, foretold; do humans have that power?? I used to use tarot cards fairly regularly but fell out of favor with them after converting to Buddhism. But occasionally, in my most desperate moments, I use them in the hopes of finding even the slightest hint of guidance. Science tells me tarot cards are bunk, a waste of money, nothing more than pictures printed on paper; but a part of me believes.
I don’t know if my belief in such things is irrational, fueled by emotion and fear or if there’s any legitimacy to it.
Sometimes I wish I believed in the Christian creator god, so I could have an imaginary shoulder to lean on, have the comfort of knowing he will take care of everything. But I don’t believe, and so I’m left to puzzle about this mystery on my own. Hopefully people will be inclined to leave their opinion on this topic, because I haven’t got a clue.