I have writer’s block.
I kind of feel like I’d like to write everyday on this blog. I love writing. It has always been an emotional escape for me, the easiest way to express myself. And if I can write everyday, then I can improve my writing.
But I have writer’s block right now.
I don’t know what to write about. I want to write something beautiful, moving, tear-inducing. I want to make people ponder and wonder and think, an activity that seems to be in short supply these days. But my brain will not produce any such topic for me to write about.
I fear disappointing the few readers I seem to have already accrued. I don’t want to bore them with my inane rambling about my day. I want to give them a reason to read.
I tried to write a post earlier about loneliness and fame. But I got nowhere. It seemed to lack substance and interest. It was a thinly veiled attempt to struggle with my own fear of loneliness, and my strange, illogical desire for fame.
But perhaps that’s what I wanted to get at. Is the desire for fame really illogical?? When I think about what fame entails: harassing paparazzi, exhausting hours, constant fear of being ousted from Hollywood, it seems to me to be a fairly illogical desire. And yet, when you’re famous, you have the comfort of knowing someone always cares about you. Someone always cares about what you’re doing, who you’re with. And that is a very human need to fill.
I struggle with being alone. I have learned from many years of introversion and isolation how to deal with, and succeed, while alone – in fact, I thrive in aloneness. But I struggle with being emotionally alone. Emotional aloneness is what threw me into a 3 year depression. Emotional aloneness is what made me contemplate suicide. I felt like no one cared about me or my struggles, my opinions.
I was miserable. Writing is one of the few things that helps me alleviate emotional loneliness. And while I am nowhere near as alone as I was when I was depressed, I have friends now who support me whenever I’m down, I still live with an underlying fear of being alone.
And it seems to be a popular fear in our culture.
I’m confused why our culture has developed as such to promote socializing and constant interaction. Why is aloneness not valued or promoted?? Why are loners ostracized rather than embraced?? Much can be accomplished when one is alone.
I don’t know what I’m getting at here. I can ramble on about the values of being alone, but that doesn’t change the fact that I myself find discomfort with it. I’m still here aren’t I?? Broadcasting my inner thoughts to an unfeeling Internet in hopes of someone reading my posts.
When does it end??
I feel like an anomaly when I can’t socialize the way society dictates I should. I shy away from parties and people I don’t know. My ex could never understand why I shut down in those situations. Whether I like aloneness or not, I am a loner by society’s definition.
Thats not to say there’s something wrong with me. There isn’t. I’ve embraced my introversion and graciously accept the gifts it allows me, like writing and self reflection. I only wish society saw the merits as well. And I only wish that certain people in my life understood what introversion entails, why I struggle to do certain social tasks.
Perhaps it’s a pipe dream, I doubt society will start embracing and promoting introversion anytime soon. Society has been bred to place the extroverts ahead. But I can dream. And luckily for me, I’ve found similar introvert friends and extrovert friends who embrace my introversion. And that is all I can ask for.