Tonight I ponder one of the most cliché yet profoundly important questions one could ask themselves: Who am I?? And more specifically, can I change who I am??
Tonight was my MTV night: the season premiere of Awkward and a new episode of Snooki & Jwoww’s show. And so, by being bombarded by MTV’s definition of “normal”, I ask myself if I could ever be like that.
There is an ideal version of “female” I’ve always held in my head, an ideal version of me I’ve never been able to achieve. Don’t get me wrong, I pretty much love all of myself. But there are things, traits, that are absent from my personality that I’ve always desired.
My ideal self follows along the line of something like this: keep all of my already existent personality/character traits: introspective, intelligent, religiously minded, not materialistic, compassionate, and add some “societal” traits: social, appearance conscious, charismatic…..
Is it possible to combine all of those qualities, or do they naturally cancel each other out?? Is it possible to augment my existing personality to act and behave in a way that’s currently foreign to my nature?? I want to be that girl who always looks her best: hair done, wears heels everyday, super fashionable. But I also want to be that girl who’s super smart and does well in school and succeeds in an academic career. I want to be the girl who surprises people with the topics she’s knowledgeable about. I want to be the girl who goes out drinking with with her friends, who’s always doing something social. I want to be the modern day renaissance woman.
I suppose some might argue that I already fit that mold, but I don’t feel I fit that mold. Just look at the fashion board on my pinterest, it barely resembles my closet. And as per my blog post last night, the whole being social thing is kind of out of the question. I love being an introvert and loathe it at the same time. Is it really possible to change such a large part of one’s personality?? Not to mention, Buddhism explicitly frowns upon certain things I just mentioned (especially drinking). How can I maintain a religious life while conforming to society’s standards??
Can I ever overcome my laziness to become the woman who does everything?? I have chronic laziness problems. And cleanliness problems. But at the same time, I want to be the girl who wakes up at 5 and goes running, has time to make herself fabulous before class, gets all of her homework done that day, and still has time to hang out with her friends. Is that asking too much of myself, or is it just a matter of willpower??
And then there’s the question of the opposite sex. The kind of girl I want to be doesn’t necessarily attract the kind of men I’m interested in. How can I successfully meld myself with society while still retaining the essence of me?? How can I be like everyone else while still making sure that me shines through??
I don’t want to lose myself, but at the same time, I seem to have a constant feeling of dissatisfaction with myself. Is this more a matter of learning to accept myself rather than making myself fit society’s standards??
I don’t know who I want to be.
I wish I could hire someone to give me a makeover or something. I don’t know. I’ve tried “changing” myself in the past but it’s never succeeded, partly because I always had no clue what I was doing, and partly because, it always seemed impossible to make myself fit a mold that wasn’t me.
I guess the question I’m really getting at is, is one’s personality fixed, or can it be molded well into adulthood??
I guess it depends how badly one wants it or how necessary change is. And I guess in my case, I should really figure out if there are even any merits to molding myself to society’s standards. Is it really as fulfilling as I think it is, or is it just an empty promise?? Would it make me happy??
….No. Probably not.