Buddhism makes me happy. :D

I don’t feel like writing a sappy post about my ex boyfriend. Yes it’s true, he’s been on my mind a lot lately – but I’m really just trying not to focus on it right now. It’s not good for my mental and emotional health.

I really just feel like writing about Buddhism. I don’t know what about; Buddhism just makes me so happy. Honestly, sometimes I wish I could convert the whole world to Buddhism so that they could share in the joy it brings me.

I just find Buddhism to be so logical and so inspirational. I haven’t found any of the teachings to be untrue so far. And one of the best parts about Buddhism is the fact that very little faith is required. I can see almost all of the Buddha’s teachings demonstrated in real life.

Maybe I should do some posts about the Buddha and his teachings?? At least from my perspective. I just wanna tell the whole world how great his teachings are!!

You know lately I’ve been talking about the law of attraction and trying to figure out what I want to do. Sometimes I feel like I am destined to do something involving Buddhism.

When I originally started my search for a religious “home”, Buddhism was one of the first religions I looked at – but I quickly dismissed it because it didn’t fit my personal philosophy at the time. 4 years and many religions later, a little voice inside of me told me to check Buddhism out again. It was like a little lightbulb going off in my head. “I’m not happy with any of these current religions.” “You should study Buddhism again.” “Yes of course! That makes perfect sense.”

And Buddhism is definitely something I’m passionate about. Of course if I want to involve Buddhism in my future, I need to spend some more time studying it and putting the teachings into practice.

That’s the hardest thing for me right now. In my head, I sometimes call myself an “intellectual Buddhist” because I don’t really practice meditation or anything. I want to, but I don’t. For the reason I mentioned yesterday – I’m scared.

I’m honestly scared of making my life better. I’m scared of letting go of my attachments and desires. They’re something so human, something I’ve lived with my entire life. To abandon them is terrifying, regardless of the benefits it would bring.

I kind of want to write Buddhist children’s books. Children’s books are a type of writing I have experience with. I’ve written several in my lifetime for school. I feel like there are probably a decent amount of Buddhist children’s books already out there, but that doesn’t dampen my spirits.

Part of me would also like to write adult Buddhist books, but I don’t feel knowledgable enough for that yet.

I really just wish I could do something to bring Buddhism more in the spotlight. I feel like so many people could benefit from it, whether they’re Atheist or Christian or Muslim or whatever else, Buddhism has something to offer everybody. I wish I knew how to show the world that.

I know it may sound a little crazy, but I really do believe Buddhism can save the world.

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Quickie Update

So tonight’s post will be quick. I used up my normal blog posting time to work on my fashion blog. Yes, it’s officially a fashion blog now!! I changed the URL, updated the theme and pages, and got the posts formatted correctly.

I still have some kinks to work out – like the fact that I don’t have a logo to use for the header section. It really sucks I don’t have Photoshop on my computer anymore, so coming up with a logo will be a lot more difficult. I’m also not officially decided on the background either. But regardless, I’m already really happy with how it looks.

So check it out: http://modaolan.wordpress.com/

So anyways, I don’t have much to update. I was planning to write a post about my ex tonight since I spent like 2 hours today Facebook chatting him. But while the Facebook chat went fine, I know writing a blog post about him right now would make me upset and I’d rather bask in the happiness of making my fashion blog. Sappy ex-boyfriend post can wait until tomorrow.

And I know my past couple of posts have talked mainly about the law of attraction and sort of new-agey stuff, but now I’m starting to question my focus on it. I really feel like I just need to devote myself to Buddhism. I hate it. I’ve been calling myself a Buddhist for over a year now, but I still haven’t put many of the teachings into practice.

The sad part is, is I know devoting more time to Buddhism would really help heal the various hurts inside of me, but fear is keeping me from proceeding. I really think I have a fear of stillness. You’ll hear people talk about it a lot. When you’re hurting in any form, you try to distract yourself by staying busy and avoiding silence (which is exactly what I’ve been doing).

And even though I know personal growth and healing won’t come any other way than from sitting and being still, I’m avoiding it because it is scary. Being still means facing the hurt – and that’s always hard. I keep looking for easy-way-outs, like the law of attraction, because I’m avoiding doing the real work, the hard work. I went through 2 or 3 years of therapy when I was younger. The idea that I have to endure the same sort of thing now, but alone, terrifies me. I guess the only consolation I have is that I at least recognize the fear that is holding me back. At least I’m not blind to it.

But yeah, that’s all I got to say right now. I go back to Columbus in exactly 3 weeks. I’m excited but not excited. I don’t feel emotionally ready to see my ex face to face again. But musings on that can wait until tomorrow. Yay new fashion blog. It makes me smile.quie Yay buddhism. It keeps me sane.

The Courage to Make Mistakes

So I once again have the pleasure of suffering from a rather painful headache. They’ve started to become nightly, reoccurring things and I’ve basically convinced myself they’re related to some sort of eye strain. I’ve spent basically all day, every day this summer staring at some sort of screen: either my phone, computer, or tv. I think that might be the cause of my headaches.

Regardless, I spent some more time reading about law of attraction methods, and while I got some good ideas, I think I’ll stick with my lists. I like the lists. I like the words. For me, writing something down makes it real and concrete. Picture boards and stuff like that are too hard for me to do. My brain thinks in words, rather than images.

Anyways, last night I started my first list, the list of the “Perfect Me”. I’m making lists for 3 areas in my life: myself, my future career, and my future husband. I managed to come up with 25 qualities of the “perfect me” last night, and I’ll subsequently come up with 25 qualities for the other categories. And then I’ll keep repeating until I reach 100. I feel like 100 is the magic number.

It was surprisingly difficult to come up with 25 qualities of the “perfect me”, either because I felt like I was repeating myself or because I really just don’t know who I want to be that well. I don’t know. But I feel the other 2 categories will be easier to think about. I may not know exactly what I want in terms of a career or husband, but I’ve got a fair amount of ideas.

And in regards to my fashion blog, I’m starting to get impatient with myself. Lately I have been paralyzed by perfection: so afraid of doing it wrong that I’d rather not do it at all.

That’s a stupid idea and I know the longer I put off starting this blog, the more likely it won’t come to fruition at all. Who cares if it sucks at first?? Who cares if my posts have no substance for the first month or so?? It’ll probably take me a while to figure out the perfect recipe so to speak, and I shouldn’t be embarrassed by my mistakes.

That is something I have been struggling with – having the courage to make mistakes and be embarrassed. I find myself paralyzed by fear whenever one of those possibilities arises. But the fashion world especially, is all about taking risks, making mistakes, and being embarrassed in my opinion. How many celebrities have made questionable or down-right horrible fashion mistakes only to later become an icon of style?? Fashion is about evolution, and you can’t evolve if you’re afraid to make mistakes.

I hate the fact that multiple people consider me the real-life example of Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon is a great character for a comedy show, but he’s not so great when you’re like that in real life.

I mean, some of my “Sheldon” qualities are a blessing – at least in small amounts. They make me who I am and make me good at certain things. But if I’m not careful, my Sheldon qualities can run amok until I really do become a real-life Sheldon. And becoming a real-life Sheldon means sacrificing living. And I certainly don’t want to do that.

But that is all I have to say tonight. I hope to go to bed early tonight but I have to think about what I’ll wear to church tomorrow (my only opportunity to dress up) since I’ve got a decent amount of new clothes to wear. And I need to work on my lists. Not to mention my headache has somewhat exhausted me.

Hopefully I can go ahead and get this fashion blog started in the next couple of days!! I won’t let my fear keep me paralyzed anymore!!

Making Changes

I feel like I really need to figure out what I want in my life. I have such vague ideas, and they change constantly. I’ve often liked to blame my noncommittance on being a Gemini (we are the twins after all) but I know that’s a lame excuse.

I was looking for more information about the law of attraction on Oprah’s website and read an article called, Have You Created Your Magic List Yet?. Often, when people try to implement the law of attraction, they will write lists of things or qualities they want to manifest.

But basically in this article it talked about how temporary and shallow things on the list don’t come true. It’s the deep and meaningful “soul wishes” that will manifest. After I read the article, I sat thinking about what I want in my life, and realized I have no earthly clue.

I know the general vague things. I want to be happy. I want to be financially stable. Etc etc. But I don’t know the specifics. I couldn’t tell you want my dream job would be. I couldn’t even tell you what my dream husband would be like. They’re things I’ve never spent much time planning or thinking about (which might be why I keep ending up in these dead-end relationships).

While I realize it is futile to plan out every single aspect of your life (because life never works out exactly how you want it to), I’m starting to realize that it wouldn’t hurt to sit down and come up with some specifics. I feel like I haven’t really taken an active role in living my life up to this point. I feel like I’ve left a lot of my life up to other people, or to the wings of chance.

It scares me though. I will admit it wholeheartedly. The idea of taking charge of my life, the idea that I could have the perfect life I imagine, terrifies me. I’ve always had a fear of change. I’ve always been more content to sit in my safe little box, regardless of how miserable I may actually be in that box. Staying the same is always easier then changing.

But I feel like I really need to sit down and make changes. I’ve lived my whole life always wanting to do something or be something but never accomplishing it because the fear of changing, the fear of hard work, kept me right where I was. It is scary. And it does take work. It takes time. And I have to make a conscious effort to change. But it needs to be done. I can’t keep being who I’ve been.

So I’ve got some lists to make. Even if the law of attraction is a load of BS, making these lists will help me figure out what I want in my life.

This’ll be hard.

The Law of Attraction Limbo

So I don’t really have much to say tonight in terms of fashion or my fashion blog, other than the fact I’m questioning my reluctance to actually start it. But I have been thinking about positive thinking and the law of attraction (which kind of relates I think).

For those who may not know, the law of attraction basically believes that whatever you think, you manifest. Like attracts like.

I first became aware of the law of attraction after reading the book, The Secret, (which I feel really mainstreamed the idea) and I’ve been in a sort of limbo about the idea ever since. I can’t decide if I really believe in it or not. The logical, scientific part of me scoffs at the idea and completely rejects the notion that your thoughts can be manifested physically. But the esoteric, spiritual part of me wants to fully embrace the idea.

I 100% believe that the way you think can affect how you live your life. I’m just not sure if I believe that your thoughts can physically manifest themselves in your life.

I’ve read tons of success stories about the law of attraction and it’s not a huge leap to make from believing your thoughts affect your life to believing your thoughts physically manifest. I’ve also never really wholeheartedly tried to use the law of attraction, so I can’t say from experience whether it works or not. But the logical side of me just wants to fight so hard against this idea.

The Dean Koontz book I finished a while back, From the Corner of his Eye, was based on the idea that everything everybody does or will do creates some sort of vibration in the universe. Those vibrations in turn create more vibrations which affect other people and things. The book also talked about how, if you cut a person’s life short, it creates a discord in the universe because all the potential vibrations that person would’ve created are gone, missing. That discord then gets returned, magnified, upon the person who cut short the other’s life. I found that idea to be really poetic and it rang true to a part of me.

I feel like the law of attraction may also work on the same principle. When you think a thought, it creates a vibration that travels around the universe eventually returning, magnified physically to you. Is that really so hard of a belief to accept??

Buddhism already teaches everything and everyone is connected through karma and rebirth. I have accepted those principles with very little difficulty, even though they both also contradict the scientific side of me. Why then, if I already accept the belief in karma and interconnectedness, is it so hard for me to accept the law of attraction??

It’s true, the principle does conflict with current scientific knowledge, but science doesn’t know everything there is to know yet. It is possible that in the future science could uncover something that proves and explains the law of attraction perfectly.

I guess I’m afraid to believe in the law of attraction because it seems too easy. You grow up your entire life, learning that life isn’t fair, life is hard work, you don’t get a choice. And suddenly, things don’t have to be that way. Suddenly, someone says “you can control your entire life just by how you think”. And in life they also teach you, that if it seems to go to be true, it usually is. Is that the case here??

But I also see the law of attraction in other religions. In basically every religion I’ve ever studied (which is a large number I believe), I see the principles of the law of attraction being taught. They may have been repackaged. They may be labeled under “God” or “karma” or whatever else you can think of. But the principle is still the same, and it seems to be universal.

I suppose it really is just fear keeping me from fully accepting the law. Fear that suddenly, life can’t be put into this nice, little, pretty, scientific box. And fear of my own power. If I really have the ability to change my life through my thoughts, what am I, what are we as humans, really capable of?? And how can I be sure I really know what I wan anyways??

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