I don’t know what to write about except to write about how I feel. So I’m sorry if this is a little depressing.
It feels like there is a hole in my heart where you used to be. It feels like I am empty. A wave of despondency has washed over me, coloring my world rather gray. It feels like I am standing outside in the rain with tears streaming down my face, watching you drive away.
I didn’t know it was possible for someone to hurt me as much as you’ve hurt me. I’m not an angry person, but I’ve actually wanted to throw things at you. No one’s ever managed to make me feel that way before. Now I feel bitterness welling up inside of me. Bitterness at the unfairness of the situation. Bitterness for the way you treated me. Bitter because I still love you and I hate myself for loving you. Bitter because I can’t seem to let you go.
It’s not fair that you get to break my heart and go to Russia. A trip I helped you prepare for. I proofread your papers that got you accepted into the program. I was there for you every day, helping you wade through the bullshit that is our government bureaucracy. When you felt like pulling your hair out because you were afraid you wouldn’t get to go to Russia, I was there comforting you. It’s not fair that while you’re in Russia, I’m stuck at home, crying about you and the hurt you put me through.
Do I ever even cross your mind?? Sure we chatted on Facebook once. And you facebook messaged me over a week ago, but I haven’t heard from you since. Are you really that busy or do you really just not care?? If we were still dating, would you talk to me this much?? Or would you maybe try a tiny bit harder to keep in contact??
After reading over what I wrote, I feel dumb and pitiful. Life isn’t fair, but as my friends have told me: happiness is the best revenge. While he’s over in Russia having the time of his life, I need to do my damnedest to have the time of mine.
It’s true I don’t need him to be happy. But that’s hard to remember when thoughts of him constantly crowd out my other thoughts.
I don’t necessarily feel better right now, but at least I’ve gotten some of it off my chest. I just wish there were a faster way to get over someone. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of dreaming about him.
I wish he would just go away, but I’m going to have class with him for probably the next 2 years.
Life isn’t fair.