I came to a realization today. I’m really tired of living my life the way other people want me to.
I was thinking about it in church (which I attend for my mother’s sake). I was thinking how ridiculous it is that when I’ve gone to church in the past, and even now, I’m forced to change my clothes to fit a more “Christian” appearance. I shouldn’t have to worry about people judging me negatively because my shorts happen to be short. Of course one should dress respectively at church on Sundays; but on wednesday nights, when I’m going to orchestra practice, and it’s 105 degrees outside – it is ridiculous to expect me to wear long pants.
And I’m tired of dating guys who try to control what I wear as well. My first serious boyfriend wouldn’t let me wear low cut shirts or wear certain things he disapproved of because he didn’t want other guys looking at me. My current ex didn’t want me wearing anything above the knee because he considered it “slutty”.
And today, I realized that I’m tired of it. Wearing shorts and dresses that come above the knee does not make me a slut. Neither does wearing low cut shirts or makeup. I always try my best to dress myself tastefully and I’m tired of caring about other people’s judgement.
I know I’ve blubbered on about my ex on here and how I miss him/love him/etc. But there were some real negatives to our relationship and how he treated me. He always claimed he never wanted to change me, yet he did. I sacrificed so much of myself to try and be his “ideal girlfriend”. I put up with a lot of stuff from him that hurt my self esteem extensively.
There are plenty of guys out there who will love me, for me. They will love me even when I wear short shorts.
I know I’ve focused a lot on clothing here, because that’s been the biggest way I’ve noticed people have tried to control me, but there are other things as well. Basically it all boils down to the fact that I have been living a large part of my life for other people, and not for myself.
And I’m tired.
And you know what?? Whether it was god or providence or fate, today my SoBe bottle cap said on the bottom “Do what you want”. And whether it’s coincidence or not, I’m taking it as a sign. It’s time to live my life for me.
Originally I was hoping during this upcoming school year to find a new boyfriend, but now I feel like, I don’t really want a boyfriend. I just want to have fun, make good grades, go to work, and be fabulous. And this summer, I just want to have fun, and forget about my ex. I’ve already made plans for the fourth of July.
I can’t wait to find out who my roommate will be next year and to make more friends, and hang out with old ones. I feel confident right now and empowered.
I’m not living my life for anybody but me from now on.