I really shouldn’t watch wedding shows. Especially wedding shoes where the groom has a beard – which undoubtedly reminds me of my ex.
I feel silly for not being over him yet. I feel like there must be something wrong with me for becoming so emotionally invested in someone who I only dated for around 6 months. But the problem is, I really believed we were soul mates, and meant to stay together forever. I just wonder how I could’ve been so wrong.
This wasn’t like my first serious boyfriend I had in high school. We talked about marriage, but both with the knowledge that our relationship would never make it that far. It was only just high school. But god, I really believed me and my current ex were meant to be.
Our relationship would’ve been one for the story books. We met in Turkish class, an already unique beginning. A class which he hadn’t originally planned to take, but a friend had convinced him to enroll in. I wasn’t attracted to him at first, but he grew on me. He never could give a reason why he decided to sit next to me on the first day of class or start talking to me after, other than he was drawn to me. That sounds like a pretty fated meeting right??
You know, we struggled so much in the beginning of our relationship. But I thought since we made it through that, we’d make it through anything. I had already started getting preliminary ideas about our wedding. I don’t know if that makes me weird, or just a girl.
It just hurts to know I believed in something so fervently, only to be proved wrong – in the most painful and disastrous way.
I have read in several places that soul mates don’t just have to be romantic partners. They can friends or coworkers or any other type of relationship. The way I understand it, soul mates find each other because they have some sort of unfinished karmic business between each other. And I wonder if maybe I wasn’t wrong. What if me and my ex are soul mates?? Just not romantic soul mates??
That idea hurts purely because it’s not what I want to be true. But that’s what my ex said very soon before I left. At the very least, he said we were supposed to meet to help each other through our emotional problems and strains.
Who knows?? Maybe everything was supposed to happen exactly as it did. Maybe there’s some giant cosmic lesson I’m supposed to learn from this. Maybe I really was brought into my ex’s life to help him through his emotional problems. Maybe he was brought into mine to show me my problems too.
I guess the worst fear I have about that theory is, if that theory is true, once we’ve taught all we have to teach to each other, does that mean I’ll lose him?? Regardless of all the shit my ex put me through, he will always have a special place in my heart and I absolutely dread the day that he walks out of my life and never comes back.
I don’t understand why so many people always wind up leaving in the long run. Life is full of too many goodbyes and not enough hellos.
Honestly, regardless of how strong my feelings for him are, I just want to be over him. I’m tired of shedding these tears for him and pondering about what-ifs and woulda-coulda-shouldas.
You know, I had a dream that I was with him in Russia. We weren’t dating but, I don’t know, I was still trying to prove my worth to him. Making mistakes and then trying to make it up to him. I can’t even describe it. He wanted me to plant a garden for him. I was angry when I woke up because I didn’t want to leave the dream. I wanted to stay there with him.
I’m tired of dreaming about him.