Hm….What should I write about tonight?? I could use a writing prompt but I find those to be lacking in actual substance. Yes they may spur your creativity, but the actual content I find rather boring.
I’m having some serious writer’s block right now. Hm. What can I write about that people would actually read about?? It’s hard to write about myself in a way that is interesting and self reflective without coming across as shallow and self absorbed.
I sit here thinking about everything I want to be, asking myself why I’m not that way yet, wondering why I don’t accept myself as I am now. What happened to me??
Sometimes I feel abnormal. I feel like I’ll never fit in, like something is wrong with me. I feel irreparably damaged. So many people have hurt me, left me, double crossed me. I don’t know if those wounds have ever healed.
I know everyone experiences heart break, everyone loses friends. But sometimes it seems like what I’ve experienced is disproportionate to what is “normal”. It feels like my reactions to such negative events is disproportionate to what is “normal”.
Of course my overdramatic reactions to certain things is what gives me the ability to be introspective, and to be a good writer. But I really don’t like being overly sensitive sometimes. The smallest hurt gets magnified in my mind until it feels like murder. Ha.
Sometimes (like now), I’m just filled with an intense dislike for myself. Why can’t I be what I consider to be the perfect version of myself?? Why can’t I be “normal”?? Why don’t I look like I want to look?? Why don’t I like my clothes?? Why am I not good enough??
I can’t stop the questions. It’s like a rapid fire assault on my self confidence.
I’m currently reading Portia de Rossi’s book Unbearable Lightness which is about her struggle with her eating disorder (something I’ve also struggled with). But in her book she talks about the voice inside her head. It yells things at her: criticisms, commands, negative things. She describes her head voice as being a deep male voice.
I have that voice too. Except, it’s my own voice yelling at me, questioning me, putting me down. Sometimes it’s a struggle to ignore that voice. I’ve never quite managed to shut it up. I feel like I’m always looking for approval, because approval makes the voice be quiet. If I can just receive some sort of validation, the voice stops for a little while.
I think that’s why I blog. I want someone to validate my opinions, tell me I’m not alone.
I wonder sometimes, because that voice can be so loud sometimes, why I don’t do something about it. It tells me my body doesn’t look good, so why don’t I go out and exercise?? It tells me I should style my hair, so why don’t I sit down and learn how?? A lot of the things the voice tells me are fixable, but I don’t do anything about them.
I guess it’s because it seems pointless. I know even if I do the things the voice tells me, it will never be quiet. There will always be something else.
And I’m left wondering, what makes a person attractive?? Is it the physical appearance or the self confidence?? Does attractiveness breed self confidence or does self confidence breed attractiveness?? I’ve heard many times that self confidence is what makes someone attractive, so why can’t I be self confident??
Why can’t I love myself despite the voice in my head?? Why won’t it shut up??