Caught in a Bad Romance

Once again I am forced to sit here and try to write something. It’s not that I don’t have anything to talk about, it’s just the stuff on my mind is too private of a subject for me to put on the Internet.

I’m really just ready to be back in Columbus. I hate always having to check in with my parents before I go somewhere or do something. In Columbus, I could just go. Didn’t have to tell anybody where or what I was doing. I miss that.

And I just feel like going shopping but I kind of spent most of my money paying for dorm stuff. I just want to feel fabulous. After this break up, I just want to reinvent myself. Forget everything that happened last year.

Something about my personality seems to just attract these shitty boyfriend types. And so I just wanna change who I am completely so I can maybe attract someone different. I hate that I seem to be in this cycle of bad relationships.

You know, I don’t know what to do. On one side of the fence, society is telling me to be independent. Men love bitches. Men hate clingy girls. Etc etc etc. but then on the other side, society tells me men are intimidated by independent women. Men need to feel needed. Blah blah blah.

So which is it?? Obviously the doting, excessively loving, meek, docile girlfriend act hasn’t worked out for me because it’s left me dating these shitbags. I mean, is it my fault?? Did I do something that changed all these guys I dated from wonderful, entertaining, loving boyfriends into selfish, controlling, neglectful people??

I thought I was every guy’s dream girlfriend: submissive, loving, obedient. You know, all that shit the bible tells you to do. All that shit I had ingrained in my head since I was old enough to sit in “big church”. Except it hasn’t been working. And that’s when I start to feel something is wrong with me.

And not to sound narcissistic, but according to my ex boyfriend, everyone thinks I’m gorgeous. Apparently people told him all the time how gorgeous I was. So why is it, that the only people I ever seem to receive compliments from are my parents?? I keep hearing about all these compliments I get behind my back, why can no one say them to my face?? Is this again my fault?? Or are people just pussies??

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve just wished people would come up to me and give me a compliment. Just something like, “hey I like your shirt” or “you look nice today”. And I need to rephrase what I said earlier. Other people do give me compliments, it’s just they’re all adults. They’re all people 30 and 40 years older than me. I just want someone my age to validate my appearance. I just want a real person in real life to tell me I look pretty.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I automatically assume something is wrong with me, rather than something being wrong with other people.

I just want to feel normal. I’ve always felt like I’ve had an abnormally hard time finding and developing healthy relationships. I’m sure my perception is wrong. I’m sure everyone else has just as much trouble as me. But that thought does little to change my deep rooted feeling of abnormalcy.

I wish I knew how to feel loved, even when the world doesn’t love me back.


About emilleejoyce

I am a yoga alliance 200 hour certified yoga teacher whose hobbies include growing cacti and succulents, cooking vegan food, and bicycling. My day job is in academic publishing.

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