A Beautiful Disaster

Today was just ugh.

First off, my ex skipped Turkish class. I still got to see him today, I’ll get to that later. But it just irritated me. Remember how I said I can’t let myself get disappointed by my expectations?? Yeah, it really threw me off, threw me off my routine.

I mean, today was good on some levels. I went over to my friend’s house and she made me dinner. After some homework, we went on an ice cream run and watched the season finale of Futurama.

But anyways, I saw my ex today first because I needed to give him some stuff from Turkish. So he did get to see my dress and all. His reaction wasn’t quite what I was hoping. He called it fancy, said my hair was funky. But I don’t know. Just not the reaction I was hoping for.

And then I saw him again later. He walked me home from my friend’s house because her apartment is relatively close to his. We went and bought cigarettes and saw the police tackle some dude. Actually, I didn’t see it. I just saw the aftermath. He walked me to my dorm. But I don’t know. I’m just annoyed.

It seems like he never has time for me really. Like even walking me home; I understand he needs to go to sleep – but he sacrifices his sleep for his guy friends, why not me??

It’s just so hard. The connection between us just feels off. I feel like it would be better if we spent more time together, I feel like it would be better if we were still dating. But now that we’re trying to “just be friends”, when we’re in person, things just feel off. I don’t even know how to explain it.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with myself. I don’t know why I’m still bothering with him. If I could snap my fingers and make myself stop loving him, make myself be over him, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It’s just really too inconvenient.

I also feel like he doesn’t want me to hang around his guy friends either, the same ones I used to spend a ton of time with when we were dating. When I visited his apartment last Friday, him and I were the only ones there. He could’ve invited me to his apartment tonight (though he did need to go to sleep) but he didn’t, and I feel like it’s because his guy friends/roommates were there. I wonder if they’re still discouraging any type of relationship between us, like they did after we first broke up. I wonder if he’s “keeping me a secret”.

I don’t know.

On the one hand, I feel like we are so perfect for each other. But on the other hand, I feel like we’re a miserable train wreck. I wonder if that’s my lot in life – to be a train wreck. Maybe for whatever reason, I am destined in this lifetime to never settle down, to never find “the one”. Maybe I’m destined to be a disaster.

Maybe in a past life, I was too attached to relationships. And so in this life, I am being forced to learn how to unattach. I’m having to cleanse the negative karma of unhealthy attachment, love addiction. Maybe in a past life I was plagued with extreme fear of abandonment, and so in this life I am being forced to get over that. It’s sucks, but it’s a thought I really kind of believe.

I don’t even know what to say right now. I don’t feel like talking. I’m just annoyed. My adult brain is telling me I need to go to sleep because I have to wake up so early in the morning. My teenager brain is telling me I’m not tired, I don’t care. It’s telling me to fuck it.

I wish I had the ability to say “fuck it” to this (non)relationship. I wish I could not care. I wish it didn’t affect the entirety of my being every day. I wish I could take things day by day, instead of constantly worrying about the future and overanalyzing the present.

I guess we all have our lots in life to live. And I guess this is mine. Are we really the masters of our own destinies?? Or just puppets of fate?? I don’t know.
And to that question I have one thing to say:

Fuck it.

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Random random

Sometimes I hate being a smoker. Like now. The shakes and shivers I get from nicotine withdrawal make me miserable, make it impossible to really do anything. In the morning I start out loving smoking, and by nighttime I hate it. It’s the truth when people tell you it’s a love hate relationship.

I was really exhausted beforehand, but now that I’ve gotten up and moved, I’m not tired anymore.

I did actually see my ex in passing today, as I was leaving Turkish and he was arriving. It’s okay, I looked fabulous enough in my opinion. But I kind of wish I hadn’t seen him because I couldn’t stop thinking about him in my next class.

He tried to Facebook chat with me last night, but I was already asleep. So I kept wondering, what would’ve happened if I hadn’t been asleep?? Maybe we would’ve hung out. At least we would’ve gotten to talk. And then I missed a text from him today because I was working. I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for me to talk to him today. Haha.

But it frustrates me. Any opportunity he creates to talk to me, I try to take, because I don’t know when the next one may come up. I try to tell myself, maybe it’s a good thing I was so hard to reach, maybe it works in my favor, making me seem busy and aloof or something. Guys don’t like girls who are too easy, too eager. But it still bugs me.

I mean, I’ll see him tomorrow but still, if he was trying to contact me it means he was thinking about me. That’s a good thing I guess. Because I want him to think about me.

Don’t I sound like such a desperate little girl right now?? I hate that. But I’m only speaking the truth. These are the honest thoughts that go through my head.

One thing I have to remember though, is to not let my expectations of how I imagine things happening make me disappointed when they don’t happen like that. There’s a quote on pinterest that’s very popular that says something along the lines of “The thing that screws us up most in life is our expectations of how things should be.” And it’s true. It’s a very Buddhist concept. Expectations more often than not lead to disappointment, because life never works out the way you expect it to.

But I’m going to look fabulous tomorrow. My expectation is that my ex will notice and compliment me. I will try my best not to be disappointed if that doesn’t happen.

But I think I’m gonna do it. I think I’m gonna wear my hair up tomorrow. It will be a really different and new look for me, and I think people will notice, my ex included. Plus I’m pretty sure he will like my maxi dress I plan to wear. It’s fairly in line with the Muslim ideal of clothing (did I ever mention my ex is a Muslim convert??)

But anyways…work today was good. I was working the sauté pan and it made me feel like a top chef standing their flipping food into the air and catching it. Plus the people who were working next to me were pretty social, so I had someone to talk to while I was there. Maybe I will eventually make friends at this place. That was one of my intentions with getting a job – to make more friends.

Oh, and tonight I actually talked to my roommate! We talked about classes and the Internet and watched the season finale of Teen Mom together. There’s hope for this relationship too. I know we won’t become best friends, but maybe we’ll eventually reach a place of comfort with each other where we can actually have real conversations.

But that’s about it for my day I suppose. I made the trek to CVS to get a prescription filled. How exciting!! And luckily I didn’t have any problems with the discount card my doctor gave me for the prescription. Hooray for small miracles.

Oh, I was really disappointed with my comparative studies translation class today. I was hoping, with today being the first “real” class, I would find it very fun and engaging. But it wasn’t. I was kind of bored. And my professor says “um” a lot – which irritates me. It makes her appear very timid and shy. Professors shouldn’t be either of those.

We basically discussed 3 different translations of 1001 Arabian Knights and how they were different. Boooooring. I normally like discussions, but today I really didn’t have much to say. Yes, the translations are different and some are better than others. What else do we need to talk about?? I hope this class doesn’t wind up being dull.

I did find out there is a native speaker of Turkish in my class. And I’m like crap, now I’m really intimidated. Because she knows how everything is supposed to be pronounced. She knows the grammar and the syntax. She’ll know if I’m wrong. I no longer have the advantage of speaking a language no one knows. Now someone will know if I mess up.

My confidence with Turkish is something I desperately need to work on. I hate making mistakes, but unfortunately when you’re learning a language, mistakes are inevitable. And that scares the crap out of me. I have no problem writing Turkish, because I have time to think about what I’m saying and which way is correct, but you don’t have that advantage when speaking. And when I try to speak outside of class, my mind goes blank – which just intimidates me more.

Ugh. It is a problem I need to work on.

But that’s all I can think of. I didn’t go down to Mirror Lake today, so I’m already back in my dorm. It started to get too cold outside for someone wearing a skirt like me.

One more thing though. I get to sleep in for an hour or so on Friday, which will be a lovely reprieve from my normal 6:40 am wake up call. Hooray for canceled class! She canceled class for us to use it as a “writing day”, but I’m definitely going to use it as a sleeping day instead. You’ve got to get your priorities straight.

But yeah, I’m done talking now. I don’t feel like going to bed, even though I need the sleep, so maybe I’ll jam out to some classical music instead. Haha.

There’s really nothing you can do.

Tonight I bought an album of Chopin’s Favorite Piano works. Classical music is just so good when you’re in whatever mood I’m in: sad, contemplative, meditative, wanting-to-be-alone mood. It’s just such peaceful and relaxing music. Piano is the one instrument I’m sad I haven’t kept up with throughout the years.

I don’t really have much to say about today. I didn’t have Turkish so I didn’t see my ex, and I won’t see him tomorrow either. I has my first entomology lab and it was fun. We learned how to pin a moth. I think that class will be fun, purely because I like bugs, and you can tell the professor loves what he does as well.

I have my first real comparative studies class tomorrow, as in the actual professor should be there. I did all my reading for it today. I had to read a translation of 1001 Arabian Knights and then a commentary on the translation. I’m excited for the class because it’s about what I hope my future career will be. It will give me a good idea of whether translation is really the direction I want to go in.

Tonight I really just feel blah. This always happens after several days of being on emotional edge. My emotions are just kind of drained. Not to mention listening to my new classical piano album has calmed me down significantly.

So I really don’t know what to write about.
I miss last year. And I’m not even talking about my ex right now. I miss having the roommate I had. I miss the dorm I was living in, even though it had no air conditioning. I miss being closer to my friends distance wise.
Even with getting my heart broken so badly last school year, my memory of last year just seems so much better than the way things are now.

I have to work tomorrow.
I don’t think my henna took well to being in a glove over a hot grill for so long on Sunday. It’s already starting to fade away. So much for it lasting a couple weeks.

Oh. I noticed today that my peace lily is putting on a new bloom. I guess it likes its new home in my dorm. It gets significantly more sun than it did back home. I keep forgetting that I need to put pictures of my plants on here. And I was supposed to upload pictures of my dorm as well.

So my favorite place to sit at Mirror Lake is under a tree. And there are these spiders that live in the tree and hang down by a silk thread, I assume to hunt. I really need to find out what kind of spider they are because I’ve never seen anything like them in Georgia. Hey, maybe my entomology professor would know.

I’m contemplating going to the entomology club’s first meeting this Wednesday. It definitely sounds fun and like something I would enjoy. It’s just always so hard to make myself do new things like that. It could be an opportunity to make new friends. And playing with bugs is always a plus.

So I can’t decide if I should wear my hair up or down with the outfit I’m planning Wednesday. Wednesday’s when I’ll see my ex, so I have to look fabulous, and wearing my hair up would definitely be a “new” look for me. But my hair is my security blanket. I don’t know how uncomfortable it would make me to go all day with my hair in a bun, even if it was a fabulous bun.

I wish it were Wednesday already. So I could see my ex, talk to him, maybe impress him a little bit. I suppose it’s sad I’m still trying so hard to impress him. But can you really blame me?? Looking like a bum is no way to impress your ex and/or make him jealous. Especially when your ex is like mine, who places a big emphasis on always looking nice.

Sorry for the whole disjointed, random stream-of-consciousness post tonight. I’m literally just writing things down as they pop into my head. I can’t think of anything specific to write about tonight, so the random stuff is all I got. I guess it’s better than rambling on and on about my ex. Anything’s better than that.

I have resolved myself to take things one day at a time. I read a quote on pinterest today that said something along the lines of “A person will put you where they want you in their life, regardless of whether you deserve to be there.” And so, I’ll let my ex put me where he wants me in his life and leave it at that. I’ll try my best not to wonder or obsess or worry about him, and the cards will fall as they may.

This is of course easier said than done, and I can’t promise tomorrow I won’t have another weepy blog post about him. But that’s how I’m feeling right now. Like there’s nothing I can do, so why bother?? I’m not planning on communicating any of my feelings or worries to my ex anytime soon, so there’s no point in constantly ruminating on what he may or may not be thinking, how he may or may not react or feel.

It sucks. Of course it does. But I just have to deal with it. There’s nothing else I can really do about it. It’s the unfortunate reality of my situation.

I miss you.

There’s too many people at Mirror Lake right now. It makes me uncomfortable.

I called my parents tonight as per our usual ritual, but it just left me feeling annoyed with them.
I told them about the fabulous time I had with my ex on Friday, and the first thing they said, “That’s good. As long as y’all stay only friends.” They didn’t say anything about how they’re so glad me and my ex are getting along or that it’s good we’re still staying friends. Nope. Just an unambiguous warning that we should never date again.

I just feel frustrated. I have all these emotions going on inside and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about them without people telling me what I “should” do or what I’m “really” feeling. Like I don’t know my own emotions. Like people don’t trust me to make my own decisions.

I don’t know. It just makes me want to cry. It makes me feel like, even if me and my ex did eventually wind up getting back together, no one would support us or approve of him. It feels like we’ve been damned.

I understand my parents only do it out of love. They don’t want to see their daughter get hurt so badly again. But I just wish I felt like people respected my own decisions more. Logically speaking, me and my ex getting back together is a bad idea. Statistically it would probably only end in heartbreak. But I can make my own decisions! So what if I decide to ignore logic and follow the heart instead?? I’m allowed to make my own decisions, however stupid they may be. And this is all extremely hypothetical anyways.

It just upsets me so much because I feel like no one sees the good in my ex that I do. No one can see the beautiful person he is underneath his often assholish and selfish behavior.

I don’t know what I’m doing right now. I still wish I could make myself stop loving him. It would be easier for all parties involved. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon, so I have to live with these emotions whether I like them or not.

It’s just so hard. I feel like I’m going through the break up all over again. But this time it feels like I have no one to confide in. It sucks because my ex is really the only person I feel comfortable crying in front. But even though he’d probably be willing to talk about it, I don’t want to talk about it with him. Not at all. Partly because I’m afraid I would scare him away. Partly because I’m ashamed I’m still having such difficulty getting over this.

It’s a rather unfortunate situation I’ve gotten myself stuck in.

I feel like I will never be able to love another man as much as I loved him. And I know that’s only my live-in-the-moment teenager brain talking, but that doesn’t erase the feeling. You know, in love stories it’s romantic when someone never “gets over” their one and only love, even when that love is not reciprocated. But in real life, it’s just pathetic.

I’m tired of feeling pathetic.

But is it so pathetic to wish things were just back the way they were?? Not exactly the same, because there were things in our relationship that definitely needed improvement and changing, but just back to being “us”, back to being with him. I utterly and desperately miss him. I miss feeling important to him. I miss talking to him everyday. I miss cuddling. I miss being loved by him. I miss absolutely everything about him.

I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m not still in love with him. Maybe I’m just unhealthily obsessing about him. But can someone please explain the difference to me?? Love, at least in the first stages, is an obsession. And once it moves past the obsession, it becomes a partnership. And I miss my partner.

I guess the worst part is, I don’t know if any of these feelings are actually even reciprocated by my ex. I know he’s still physically attracted to me, that’s pretty obvious. But I don’t know if any of the emotional attraction is still there. I don’t know how often he thinks of me or whether it makes him as happy as it makes me, to see each other. I don’t know how much of everything he does or tells me is a put on, or the truth. I don’t know of he misses “us” or misses me or if he ever even really loved me in the first place.

And I guess that’s the worst part, not knowing.

I refuse to be clingy.

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I didn’t get back to my dorm until like 3 am.

But yesterday was a really good day.
There’s an adult in my Turkish class who is kind of like a grandfather I’d say to both me and my ex. So he took us both out to dinner yesterday because he’s been promising to do that since last year. It went really well. We went to this deli owned by a Macedonian guy, so there were all these cool Macedonian products that I just went crazy for looking at and trying to figure out what they were.

But the dinner was good. My ex talked a lot about his time in Russia and we talked about academics and different ways of acquiring study abroad scholarships and grants.

After that was over I hung out with my friend for a little while and we were incredibly bored. But luckily for me my ex hit me up for some hookah. We had a really awesome time, and in the interest of discretion I will not disclose everything we did. But we both really enjoyed ourselves.

It never fails though, that the day after I hang out with my ex, I am completely and utterly bored. That happened today. I literally sat around in my dorm for several hours just listening to music because there wasn’t anything else to do. Times like that always make me miss my ex’s and I’s relationship. At least when we were dating and spending 24/7 together, I always had something to do. My ex is really good at finding fun. Haha.

But it always causes me to have the urge to blow up his phone trying to get him to hang out with me. Luckily, I didn’t do that. I learned my lesson last quarter that that’s not a smart thing to do. But it’s still really hard. I want to hit him up, but I can’t out of fear of appearing clingy or desperate or any other negative adjective of the sort.

I’m really trying my best to treat him exactly the way I treat my other friends. You know, I only text him if he texts first. I only ask him to hang out if he mentions something first. It’s a challenge for me, but I know it’s the best way to handle things if I want to avoid becoming clingy. Yes, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I texted him when I was bored or whatever, but for me, I have to stop myself, or I will get into that unhealthy desperate mindset.

But today wasn’t all bad I guess. At first I thought it would be, because I went to our little football pep rally kickoff thing and was pretty close to miserable. It reminded me why, for the second year in a row, I haven’t bought football tickets.

It lasted way too long for my tastes, although it was interesting to see the marching band perform and see everyone’s reaction to our band. Up here, marching band is cool!! This is completely foreign for me, because where I grew up, and generally across the South, marching band is not cool. It’s not a priority and the audience at football games could certainly care less whether the marching band preformed or not.

After that, me and my friends got pizza because I (and everyone else) were desperately hungry. I have strange eating habits by American standards. I eat really small meals. I stop eating when I’m full. These are fairly healthy practices, but not anticipating the long-ness of the kickoff, I ate my normal small lunch, and then didn’t get to eat again until almost 10:00. God I was feeling miserable.

But then my friends decided to watch Love & Other Drugs. It was a good movie, but boy was it hard for me to hold back my emotions. I just felt like bawling because it reminded me so much of me and my ex and how things were, how things are now, everything I don’t really want to think about.

I’d be lying if I said a part of me doesn’t still want a relationship with him, because I do. And it’s so hard to watch those chick flick movies and not be reminded of everything I once had with him. I still have difficulty understanding why we broke up, why we can’t be together. I understand it on a superficial level. I understand my ex needs to be single and figure himself out and blah blah blah, but my heart doesn’t understand it. My heart doesn’t understand why everything can’t be exactly as it is now, just with a relationship label added on top of it.

I’m trying to make myself not get caught up in the “what-ifs”. I’m doing my best, and so far I think I’m doing pretty well, to just come at everything with the attitude of if it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. It’s no big deal either way. It’s easier for me to keep that mentality if I take it day by day. And I know my ex appreciates it, at least. He’s a day by day person, I think a lot of guys are. He doesn’t want to keep feeling pressured to define his feelings for me, define our friendship/relationship. You know, all that stuff. And it’s healthier for me too because it keeps me from obsessing about things that may or may not happen.

So, all in all, yesterday was awesome, today was decent. I have to wake up at like 6:30 tomorrow because I have an almost 8 hour shift at work tomorrow. I don’t mind the waking up early on a Sunday so much, but I just hate I had to leave my friends early. They were about to make cookies when I left. :( But I guess that’s the price you pay when you have a job. There will be plenty of other times we can “bond”.

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