Vent I Shall

I have a miserable headache right now. I don’t know what’s causing it either. They seem to have become an almost every day thing now. But they carry a nasty side effect of light sensitivity…or maybe the light sensitivity is causing the headaches.

I don’t know. I just hope they go away when I go back to Columbus. Going outside during the day has become almost painful if I don’t have sunglasses.

I had an appointment to get my hair cut today and because the place is a literal 5 minute drive away, I decided I didn’t need to wear sunglasses (which I almost always wear when I drive). But by the time I got to the salon, the amount of discomfort I was experiencing was on the verge of being painful.

It seems to be mainly bright light that causes/contributes to the headaches. The TV and computer don’t bother me so much anymore. But if I happen to be laying on the couch in such a way it causes the overhead light to be in my field of vision, I’m absolutely miserable.

I just wish I knew what was causing these headaches so I could potentially fix it and make the headaches go away. The light sensitivity wouldn’t be so bad if the headaches didn’t come along with it. I’m lucky the headaches aren’t migraines, but they’re still not pleasant.

But basically the motto of that story is that I feel like crap right now.

And I feel like emotional crap too. I have to watch my every thought, otherwise I’ll wind up upsetting myself about my ex. Everything seems to remind me of him. I don’t know why he’s been on my mind so much. I don’t know why I’ve been feeling so sad about it lately.

It literally feels like a part of my soul is broken.
I’m not even sad about the relationship anymore. I’m just hurt. So immensely and desperately hurt.

My heart’s been broken before, but never this badly. I’ve never felt so betrayed. It’s been probably close to 3 months since we broke up and I still don’t feel any closer to healing.

I haven’t been able to forgive or forget.

The only thing I feel like would help is if I got a sincere apology. If I knew the way he treated me bothered him as much as it bothered me, I might could possibly move on.

Yes he apologized to me before I left for the summer and I don’t doubt that part of it was sincere. But the more I think about it, the more his apology sounds like a “suck it up and move on” than an “I’m sorry”.

I just hate the idea that I’m stuck here, sad and pitiful, while he’s off living his life and not thinking about it at all. Does he have a guilty conscience?? Or is he really that oblivious to how much he hurt me??

But regardless, I don’t feel like talking about it anymore. I’m doing my best to keep myself in good spirits. But at night, it’s like it all comes bubbling out again.

Like I mentioned earlier, I did get my hair cut today. Nothing fancy, just got all the dead stuff trimmed off and got it re-layered. My hair looks a lot nicer now that it looks healthy. I lost like 3 or 4 inches in dead ends, so it’s noticeably shorter now.

I wish I knew how to style my hair. Other than using a blow dryer, I’m completely clueless. I can’t even use a curling iron!!
I had planned to “practice” this summer, but that has yet to happen.

I just want to be one of those girls whose clothes not only look fabulous every day, but her hair and makeup do as well. I’ve got the clothes part covered pretty well I think, but the hair and makeup are still elusive.

I know how to do my makeup. I just tend to get in a makeup rut and use the same colors over and over again. That’s easily fixable, but I have no idea what to do with my hair. It’s so difficult to deal with. It doesn’t hold curl, it tangles easily, breaks easily, and has very little natural body. Not to mention I’m usually to lazy to exert the necessary amount of effort to style it.

I know I’m lucky in that I can let my hair air dry and it will dry stick straight, but it’s also inconvenient as well.

But yeah. I think I spent all of tonight complaining. Sorry!! But that’s the URL of this blog: I need somewhere to vent. So vent I shall.

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About emilleejoyce

I am a yoga alliance 200 hour certified yoga teacher whose hobbies include growing cacti and succulents, cooking vegan food, and bicycling. My day job is in academic publishing.

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