I don’t even know how to start tonight’s post. I just feel incredibly pissed off at my ex. I haven’t had any contact with him, but still, I’m angry.
Today I saw on Facebook where he commented on one of his ex’s photos. I literally almost had a heart attack because the date on the photo was April 13. It was a picture of his ex laying in his bed with his cat. Let me tell you, I was about to blow a fuse because I thought that meant he had seen her while we were still dating without telling me.
But, after I thought about it for a second, that’s just the date the photo was uploaded. Not when it was taken. We were still dating at that time which meant we were with each other basically 24/7, so he couldn’t have been with her. Minor mental breakdown averted.
Regardless, I’m still upset. He got back from Russia yesterday, and other than a group text he sent before he took off, I haven’t heard from him. Yet he was thinking about his other ex enough to comment on her photo about “how much his cat misses her”. Yeah.
I’m sorry. Maybe I’m overreacting, but what happened to being “best friends”? What happened to him saying “he’s never cared about anybody as much as he cares about me”?? Am I being a drama queen, or is it reasonable to assume I would’ve heard from him by now if he really meant all that stuff??
Ugh. I’m so conflicted because on one hand, I’m happy he hasn’t contacted me because I don’t want to talk to him. But on the other hand, I’m angry that he hasn’t contacted me because part of me still wants to believe he cares as much as he says he does.
God, this is ridiculous.
I think I can pretty well say that I am over him now. I have no desire to have a relationship with him anymore. I don’t feel in love with him anymore. I don’t believe we are soul mates. But I’m still angry.
I’m still angry about how much he hurt me and treated me. And I’m angry with myself for putting up with so much and ignoring that voice in the back of my head that said “he’s no good for you”.
I just keep thinking to myself how I should’ve stuck with my first impression of him. When he walked in on the first day of class, my thought process went a little something like, “oh my god what is this dude’s problem?? Why is he dressed like that?? He looks like a pompous, arrogant jerk. Oh god, he’s sitting next to me. Please don’t talk to me. This guy is so full of himself.”
That was my first impression of him. But I allowed myself to change it, first out of desperation (to get away from another guy) and then later out of actual liking for him. But I find first impressions are rarely wrong, and what do you know?? All those endearing qualities I pegged him with at the first sight of him, came to rear their ugly heads after we broke up. And when I think back on our relationship, they were there all along too. It just took me getting my heart broken to see it.
Of course I should’ve been tipped off to how much of an ass he was when he told me he’d had 15 girlfriends already in his short life, not to mention he had a girlfriend when we met, yet he still flirted with me and spent and inordinate amount of time with me, alone. Ass.
So yeah. I know I sound very bitter right now, and I am, but the trick now is making sure I can move past this point. I don’t want to hate him forever. Regardless of how he treated me, I don’t want to hold a grudge. So when I finally have to see him again for class, it will be a challenge to appear friendly without letting my anger rear it’s ugly head.
I guess I’m most afraid that when I see him again, I’m going to forget all the progress I’ve made and slip back into the pitiful passive still-in-love-with-him ex I was last year after we broke up. It will certainly be a challenge to remain civil towards him without completely hardening my heart towards him. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how I feel on that first day of class. That’s really the only way to know how things will turn out.
But, on a slightly lighter note, I’ll be returning to Columbus in 6 days. I can’t even believe its already so close. This week will be devoted totally to finishing packing and taking care of last minute whatevers. I still have one plant I need to repot, and I need to re-dye my hair. I also need to change purses and repaint my nails. I know, they’re all such trivial things – but they’re important to me.
So I’ll cross my fingers that this year will be a great year, and having class with my ex won’t dampen my spirits too much. Hooray for being a sophomore!!