So tonight, I was working on packing some for college when I ran across the letters my ex had written me after we broke up. That was something we’d do when speaking out loud was either too painful or not sufficient.
But they were hard to read, I will admit. My eyes did water up. They were so positive, so hopeful, so optimistic. It’s hard not to want to believe what they said. But I have to remember they were written before we had our biggest fight. They were written when it was still possible to believe in them.
I have to remind myself that all the promises in those letters were never fulfilled. I have to remind myself that if he’d really meant what he wrote, he wouldn’t have treated the way he did (and does). People make mistakes. I understand that. But when a person keeps making the same mistake, when they know they’re hurting another person as a result, it stops being a mistake and starts being purposeful.
The optimist in me wants to believe that we can still be best of friends the way the letters promised. It wants to believe that he really cares as much as the letters say he does. But the realist in me knows it’s a bunch of bullshit. Even if everything written in the letters were absolutely true, I don’t think a friendship could survive the amount of trauma ours has undergone. I don’t know if he can ever be truly forgiven.
Needless to say, the letters are in the recycling bin.
I also deleted the sappy texts he sent me when we were dating. And yesterday I deleted all the photos of us off Facebook. And I finally took off the bracelet he gave me for Christmas. I have to remove him as much as possible from my life.
It may sound silly if you don’t believe in the law of attraction, but I feel like I have to remove as many tokens of our past relationship as possible. Otherwise, the universe or whatever will still believe we are in a relationship. So even when I move on, the universe won’t get the message and won’t send any new love my way. Does that make sense in some sort of new age crazy way??
So I leave for Columbus in 5 days. Today I went to Lowe’s, bought some cactus dirt, and repotted my aloe. That’s one thing I can check off my to-do list. Hopefully my aloe finds its new environment pleasing. After killing my last cactus, I’m paranoid about killing this aloe.
I know, it’s sad. I somehow managed to kill a cactus, yet I have no problem keeping 4 other house plants that require much more maintenance and care. So fingers crossed with this aloe. I hope to keep it for many years to come. It has lovely tangerine flowers I hope to see again next summer.
I also have to take my car to get its however-often checkup tomorrow. I’m not sure why my parents want to do this now, since I won’t be taking it to college. It seems more logical in my opinion to wait until after I’ve left for college. But it’s whatever. I guess I need to remember to clean it out tomorrow before I go.
I really don’t have that much left to do to get ready to leave for college. I’m bringing a lot less stuff than I brought last year, purely because I know what I need and what I will use and what I won’t.
I’m still a little nervous about the whole roommate situation. Please please please god let us get along. Maybe even be friends?? I just want this to be a good year. And I don’t want a bad roommate to dampen the experience.