Today turned out better than was expected.
Seeing my ex wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be last night. He sat behind me , we were partners in class just like last year. I walked him to the bus stop after class. As he said, “Everything’s the same and nothing’s the same.”
He hugged me twice and seemed genuinely happy to see me. He complimented my dress and my hair.
He even texted me later on in the day and explained why he hadn’t bothered to text me since being back from Russia. Apparently he forgot what name he put me under in his phone. (He gives everyone made-up nicknames in his contacts). He also said he’s been really busy this past week.
I’m afraid to believe it’s as simple as that. I’m afraid to believe that there was no malicious intent behind his lack of contact. Can it really be that easy??
I know the Buddha says that anger is like holding on to a hot coal. You are the only person that gets hurt. But I’m afraid to let go of the anger. I’m afraid that letting go of the anger means losing some how. That it some how means he won.
I don’t want to be angry at him. Today reminded me of that. The anger kind of melted away with his first hug. But it still reminds me that there is a big part of me that still loves him, still wants to be in a relationship with him. I find myself longing for the days when we were dating, when we did everything together, when we were “us”.
I don’t know what to do with myself. It has been made obvious to me that I’m not over him. So what do I do??
He told me he has a billion stories to tell me about Russia. And he said we will hang out sometime. We need to have tea together.
It’s times like these I wish I could see into the future.
Well, other than that, I also went to drums and dough tonight. It’s a multicultural thing with ethnic food and dancing. I got henna on my hand. This is what it looked like after the woman put it on:
I also watched the new episode of Futurama tonight with my friends. I feel awkward using my roommate’s tv, even though she gave me permission.
Also my history professor is crazy. High energy is an understatement. The entire time he was constantly walking back and forth, clapping his hands together, even jumping. Not to mention he’s super loud. I’m not sure how I feel about him. I certainly won’t be falling asleep in that class, but he also kind of intimidates me.
So yeah. Here I am, sitting at the edge of Mirror Lake under a tree on my favorite bench.
Tomorrow I most likely won’t see my ex, which saddens me. I want him to see my henna. I want him to like it. Even though I tell all my friends I’m trying to look fabulous to make him regretful, I’m really seeking his approval. I still want him to find me pretty. Like somehow if he finds me pretty enough, maybe he’ll love me again. That is, if he ever really loved me in the first place.
I wish I could change things. Don’t we all?? This isn’t how I want my picture perfect life plan to work out. Even with all his asshole-ish qualities, my ex is still basically the perfect match for my ideal mate. And that’s the part I don’t know how to deal with. How do you deal with losing your imagined “perfect match”? How do you deal with being so close, and then losing it all??
I can’t decide if I look forward to waking up tomorrow. I can’t decide how I feel about this whole situation.
My friend told me, every time her and her (now ex) boyfriend of 5 years broke up and got back together, it was like a new relationship, because they both matured after each break up. Could that happen to me?? Could I have been right in believing we were soul mates?? Do we both only need time to mature?? Sometimes I believe that this break up is karmic retribution to something I did to him in a previous life. And once that bad karma is purged, we will be reunited again. Is it naive to believe that??
I have so many contradictions running through my head right now, too many questions. And I can’t think now that a group of guys decided to sit on a bench not too far from me.
If only life came with an instruction manual.