This will be a quick post, on account of the fact that I’m exhausted right now. I didn’t get very much sleep last night and I’ve been going all day.
I didn’t see my ex today, which is what I assumed would happen. I won’t lie, I wish I could’ve. But I’ll see him tomorrow in class.
I’m still stuck in a limbo over how I feel about him now. I was thinking tonight, even if he professed his undying love for me and asked me to be his again, even if I said yes, I don’t know if I would be happy. There’d always be that lingering fear he would break my heart again.
I hate how after we broke up, he originally told me to wait until he got back from Russia to see how he felt about us, and then it turned into don’t wait. Because he can’t make any promises.
I think about the letters he wrote me, they’re gone now, the ones I put in the recycling bin, and about everything in them. The contents are faded memories now but the impression of them still remains. Hope. Like everything will turn out alright. And maybe it will, except now I keep imagining myself as a jaded spinster who never found anyone else, who could never get over her “one true love”, who lives alone, and is sad.
I don’t know how to make myself stop wishing for something that may never happen, and definitely won’t happen anytime in the near future. It kills me to feel this longing in my heart, and not know what to do to make it go away. I just want it to go away. I just want to feel normal again.
I feel like I’ve slipped into the exact same mindset I was in spring quarter, only wish slightly less tears and desperation.
I wish I knew how to fix this.
In other news, I found out my roommate broke one of my picture frames last night. It’s not really a big deal, the picture frame was only like $7. But god did it just set off the tears last night. It’s sad that I still have to cry myself to sleep even when I’m surrounded by such a good community of friends.
I have a horrible blister on my toe from wearing my new boots today. Fashion is pain right?? But hopefully my feet won’t keep me from looking fancy tomorrow. I do have an ex to impress if you remember. :/
I wonder what he would think if he discovered this blog and read it?? He always got unbelievably pissed off at me if I posted something negative about us on Facebook. I try my best to keep things anonymous on here.
I wonder if he would think I looked sad and desperate?? Would the fact that I’m still not over him somehow make me less of a person in his eyes?? I don’t know. I don’t think I want to know. I dot think I’d ever want him to read this blog, no matter how much truth it may contain.
I still have that feeling of wanting to be in a sort of coma, wanting to go to sleep and not wake up until the sadness is 100% gone. I wish that were possible. I hate having to face the fact that I’m no longer as important to him as I used to be. Because that’s all I ever wanted to feel, was important.
But what can you do??
Maybe writing about it doesn’t help. Maybe I’m forcing myself to relive something I shouldn’t. Maybe I should just bury it down and not think about it and hope it will go away. But we all know that doesn’t work. Then the sadness just turns into a little hard coal that never leaves your heart and always haunts the future.
What else did I do today??
Nothing much, other than discovering that scheduling 3 classes right on top of each other wasn’t such a good idea. I did a little homework, waited in line forever with my friend who wanted discount tickets and wound up buying some myself. I trekked around campus all day in heels and called my mom. Woo!! What an exciting life.
I don’t know what to say, because no amount of words could express what I feel. It’s a rather unfortunate condition. And I’ll go now, if purely for the convention of trying to get more sleep tonight. 6:40 am comes obnoxiously early.