There’s too many people at Mirror Lake right now. It makes me uncomfortable.
I called my parents tonight as per our usual ritual, but it just left me feeling annoyed with them.
I told them about the fabulous time I had with my ex on Friday, and the first thing they said, “That’s good. As long as y’all stay only friends.” They didn’t say anything about how they’re so glad me and my ex are getting along or that it’s good we’re still staying friends. Nope. Just an unambiguous warning that we should never date again.
I just feel frustrated. I have all these emotions going on inside and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about them without people telling me what I “should” do or what I’m “really” feeling. Like I don’t know my own emotions. Like people don’t trust me to make my own decisions.
I don’t know. It just makes me want to cry. It makes me feel like, even if me and my ex did eventually wind up getting back together, no one would support us or approve of him. It feels like we’ve been damned.
I understand my parents only do it out of love. They don’t want to see their daughter get hurt so badly again. But I just wish I felt like people respected my own decisions more. Logically speaking, me and my ex getting back together is a bad idea. Statistically it would probably only end in heartbreak. But I can make my own decisions! So what if I decide to ignore logic and follow the heart instead?? I’m allowed to make my own decisions, however stupid they may be. And this is all extremely hypothetical anyways.
It just upsets me so much because I feel like no one sees the good in my ex that I do. No one can see the beautiful person he is underneath his often assholish and selfish behavior.
I don’t know what I’m doing right now. I still wish I could make myself stop loving him. It would be easier for all parties involved. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon, so I have to live with these emotions whether I like them or not.
It’s just so hard. I feel like I’m going through the break up all over again. But this time it feels like I have no one to confide in. It sucks because my ex is really the only person I feel comfortable crying in front. But even though he’d probably be willing to talk about it, I don’t want to talk about it with him. Not at all. Partly because I’m afraid I would scare him away. Partly because I’m ashamed I’m still having such difficulty getting over this.
It’s a rather unfortunate situation I’ve gotten myself stuck in.
I feel like I will never be able to love another man as much as I loved him. And I know that’s only my live-in-the-moment teenager brain talking, but that doesn’t erase the feeling. You know, in love stories it’s romantic when someone never “gets over” their one and only love, even when that love is not reciprocated. But in real life, it’s just pathetic.
I’m tired of feeling pathetic.
But is it so pathetic to wish things were just back the way they were?? Not exactly the same, because there were things in our relationship that definitely needed improvement and changing, but just back to being “us”, back to being with him. I utterly and desperately miss him. I miss feeling important to him. I miss talking to him everyday. I miss cuddling. I miss being loved by him. I miss absolutely everything about him.
I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m not still in love with him. Maybe I’m just unhealthily obsessing about him. But can someone please explain the difference to me?? Love, at least in the first stages, is an obsession. And once it moves past the obsession, it becomes a partnership. And I miss my partner.
I guess the worst part is, I don’t know if any of these feelings are actually even reciprocated by my ex. I know he’s still physically attracted to me, that’s pretty obvious. But I don’t know if any of the emotional attraction is still there. I don’t know how often he thinks of me or whether it makes him as happy as it makes me, to see each other. I don’t know how much of everything he does or tells me is a put on, or the truth. I don’t know of he misses “us” or misses me or if he ever even really loved me in the first place.
And I guess that’s the worst part, not knowing.