I refuse to be clingy.

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I didn’t get back to my dorm until like 3 am.

But yesterday was a really good day.
There’s an adult in my Turkish class who is kind of like a grandfather I’d say to both me and my ex. So he took us both out to dinner yesterday because he’s been promising to do that since last year. It went really well. We went to this deli owned by a Macedonian guy, so there were all these cool Macedonian products that I just went crazy for looking at and trying to figure out what they were.

But the dinner was good. My ex talked a lot about his time in Russia and we talked about academics and different ways of acquiring study abroad scholarships and grants.

After that was over I hung out with my friend for a little while and we were incredibly bored. But luckily for me my ex hit me up for some hookah. We had a really awesome time, and in the interest of discretion I will not disclose everything we did. But we both really enjoyed ourselves.

It never fails though, that the day after I hang out with my ex, I am completely and utterly bored. That happened today. I literally sat around in my dorm for several hours just listening to music because there wasn’t anything else to do. Times like that always make me miss my ex’s and I’s relationship. At least when we were dating and spending 24/7 together, I always had something to do. My ex is really good at finding fun. Haha.

But it always causes me to have the urge to blow up his phone trying to get him to hang out with me. Luckily, I didn’t do that. I learned my lesson last quarter that that’s not a smart thing to do. But it’s still really hard. I want to hit him up, but I can’t out of fear of appearing clingy or desperate or any other negative adjective of the sort.

I’m really trying my best to treat him exactly the way I treat my other friends. You know, I only text him if he texts first. I only ask him to hang out if he mentions something first. It’s a challenge for me, but I know it’s the best way to handle things if I want to avoid becoming clingy. Yes, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I texted him when I was bored or whatever, but for me, I have to stop myself, or I will get into that unhealthy desperate mindset.

But today wasn’t all bad I guess. At first I thought it would be, because I went to our little football pep rally kickoff thing and was pretty close to miserable. It reminded me why, for the second year in a row, I haven’t bought football tickets.

It lasted way too long for my tastes, although it was interesting to see the marching band perform and see everyone’s reaction to our band. Up here, marching band is cool!! This is completely foreign for me, because where I grew up, and generally across the South, marching band is not cool. It’s not a priority and the audience at football games could certainly care less whether the marching band preformed or not.

After that, me and my friends got pizza because I (and everyone else) were desperately hungry. I have strange eating habits by American standards. I eat really small meals. I stop eating when I’m full. These are fairly healthy practices, but not anticipating the long-ness of the kickoff, I ate my normal small lunch, and then didn’t get to eat again until almost 10:00. God I was feeling miserable.

But then my friends decided to watch Love & Other Drugs. It was a good movie, but boy was it hard for me to hold back my emotions. I just felt like bawling because it reminded me so much of me and my ex and how things were, how things are now, everything I don’t really want to think about.

I’d be lying if I said a part of me doesn’t still want a relationship with him, because I do. And it’s so hard to watch those chick flick movies and not be reminded of everything I once had with him. I still have difficulty understanding why we broke up, why we can’t be together. I understand it on a superficial level. I understand my ex needs to be single and figure himself out and blah blah blah, but my heart doesn’t understand it. My heart doesn’t understand why everything can’t be exactly as it is now, just with a relationship label added on top of it.

I’m trying to make myself not get caught up in the “what-ifs”. I’m doing my best, and so far I think I’m doing pretty well, to just come at everything with the attitude of if it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. It’s no big deal either way. It’s easier for me to keep that mentality if I take it day by day. And I know my ex appreciates it, at least. He’s a day by day person, I think a lot of guys are. He doesn’t want to keep feeling pressured to define his feelings for me, define our friendship/relationship. You know, all that stuff. And it’s healthier for me too because it keeps me from obsessing about things that may or may not happen.

So, all in all, yesterday was awesome, today was decent. I have to wake up at like 6:30 tomorrow because I have an almost 8 hour shift at work tomorrow. I don’t mind the waking up early on a Sunday so much, but I just hate I had to leave my friends early. They were about to make cookies when I left. :( But I guess that’s the price you pay when you have a job. There will be plenty of other times we can “bond”.


About emilleejoyce

I am a yoga alliance 200 hour certified yoga teacher whose hobbies include growing cacti and succulents, cooking vegan food, and bicycling. My day job is in academic publishing.

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