Random random

Sometimes I hate being a smoker. Like now. The shakes and shivers I get from nicotine withdrawal make me miserable, make it impossible to really do anything. In the morning I start out loving smoking, and by nighttime I hate it. It’s the truth when people tell you it’s a love hate relationship.

I was really exhausted beforehand, but now that I’ve gotten up and moved, I’m not tired anymore.

I did actually see my ex in passing today, as I was leaving Turkish and he was arriving. It’s okay, I looked fabulous enough in my opinion. But I kind of wish I hadn’t seen him because I couldn’t stop thinking about him in my next class.

He tried to Facebook chat with me last night, but I was already asleep. So I kept wondering, what would’ve happened if I hadn’t been asleep?? Maybe we would’ve hung out. At least we would’ve gotten to talk. And then I missed a text from him today because I was working. I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for me to talk to him today. Haha.

But it frustrates me. Any opportunity he creates to talk to me, I try to take, because I don’t know when the next one may come up. I try to tell myself, maybe it’s a good thing I was so hard to reach, maybe it works in my favor, making me seem busy and aloof or something. Guys don’t like girls who are too easy, too eager. But it still bugs me.

I mean, I’ll see him tomorrow but still, if he was trying to contact me it means he was thinking about me. That’s a good thing I guess. Because I want him to think about me.

Don’t I sound like such a desperate little girl right now?? I hate that. But I’m only speaking the truth. These are the honest thoughts that go through my head.

One thing I have to remember though, is to not let my expectations of how I imagine things happening make me disappointed when they don’t happen like that. There’s a quote on pinterest that’s very popular that says something along the lines of “The thing that screws us up most in life is our expectations of how things should be.” And it’s true. It’s a very Buddhist concept. Expectations more often than not lead to disappointment, because life never works out the way you expect it to.

But I’m going to look fabulous tomorrow. My expectation is that my ex will notice and compliment me. I will try my best not to be disappointed if that doesn’t happen.

But I think I’m gonna do it. I think I’m gonna wear my hair up tomorrow. It will be a really different and new look for me, and I think people will notice, my ex included. Plus I’m pretty sure he will like my maxi dress I plan to wear. It’s fairly in line with the Muslim ideal of clothing (did I ever mention my ex is a Muslim convert??)

But anyways…work today was good. I was working the sauté pan and it made me feel like a top chef standing their flipping food into the air and catching it. Plus the people who were working next to me were pretty social, so I had someone to talk to while I was there. Maybe I will eventually make friends at this place. That was one of my intentions with getting a job – to make more friends.

Oh, and tonight I actually talked to my roommate! We talked about classes and the Internet and watched the season finale of Teen Mom together. There’s hope for this relationship too. I know we won’t become best friends, but maybe we’ll eventually reach a place of comfort with each other where we can actually have real conversations.

But that’s about it for my day I suppose. I made the trek to CVS to get a prescription filled. How exciting!! And luckily I didn’t have any problems with the discount card my doctor gave me for the prescription. Hooray for small miracles.

Oh, I was really disappointed with my comparative studies translation class today. I was hoping, with today being the first “real” class, I would find it very fun and engaging. But it wasn’t. I was kind of bored. And my professor says “um” a lot – which irritates me. It makes her appear very timid and shy. Professors shouldn’t be either of those.

We basically discussed 3 different translations of 1001 Arabian Knights and how they were different. Boooooring. I normally like discussions, but today I really didn’t have much to say. Yes, the translations are different and some are better than others. What else do we need to talk about?? I hope this class doesn’t wind up being dull.

I did find out there is a native speaker of Turkish in my class. And I’m like crap, now I’m really intimidated. Because she knows how everything is supposed to be pronounced. She knows the grammar and the syntax. She’ll know if I’m wrong. I no longer have the advantage of speaking a language no one knows. Now someone will know if I mess up.

My confidence with Turkish is something I desperately need to work on. I hate making mistakes, but unfortunately when you’re learning a language, mistakes are inevitable. And that scares the crap out of me. I have no problem writing Turkish, because I have time to think about what I’m saying and which way is correct, but you don’t have that advantage when speaking. And when I try to speak outside of class, my mind goes blank – which just intimidates me more.

Ugh. It is a problem I need to work on.

But that’s all I can think of. I didn’t go down to Mirror Lake today, so I’m already back in my dorm. It started to get too cold outside for someone wearing a skirt like me.

One more thing though. I get to sleep in for an hour or so on Friday, which will be a lovely reprieve from my normal 6:40 am wake up call. Hooray for canceled class! She canceled class for us to use it as a “writing day”, but I’m definitely going to use it as a sleeping day instead. You’ve got to get your priorities straight.

But yeah, I’m done talking now. I don’t feel like going to bed, even though I need the sleep, so maybe I’ll jam out to some classical music instead. Haha.


About emilleejoyce

I am a yoga alliance 200 hour certified yoga teacher whose hobbies include growing cacti and succulents, cooking vegan food, and bicycling. My day job is in academic publishing.

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