A Beautiful Disaster

Today was just ugh.

First off, my ex skipped Turkish class. I still got to see him today, I’ll get to that later. But it just irritated me. Remember how I said I can’t let myself get disappointed by my expectations?? Yeah, it really threw me off, threw me off my routine.

I mean, today was good on some levels. I went over to my friend’s house and she made me dinner. After some homework, we went on an ice cream run and watched the season finale of Futurama.

But anyways, I saw my ex today first because I needed to give him some stuff from Turkish. So he did get to see my dress and all. His reaction wasn’t quite what I was hoping. He called it fancy, said my hair was funky. But I don’t know. Just not the reaction I was hoping for.

And then I saw him again later. He walked me home from my friend’s house because her apartment is relatively close to his. We went and bought cigarettes and saw the police tackle some dude. Actually, I didn’t see it. I just saw the aftermath. He walked me to my dorm. But I don’t know. I’m just annoyed.

It seems like he never has time for me really. Like even walking me home; I understand he needs to go to sleep – but he sacrifices his sleep for his guy friends, why not me??

It’s just so hard. The connection between us just feels off. I feel like it would be better if we spent more time together, I feel like it would be better if we were still dating. But now that we’re trying to “just be friends”, when we’re in person, things just feel off. I don’t even know how to explain it.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with myself. I don’t know why I’m still bothering with him. If I could snap my fingers and make myself stop loving him, make myself be over him, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It’s just really too inconvenient.

I also feel like he doesn’t want me to hang around his guy friends either, the same ones I used to spend a ton of time with when we were dating. When I visited his apartment last Friday, him and I were the only ones there. He could’ve invited me to his apartment tonight (though he did need to go to sleep) but he didn’t, and I feel like it’s because his guy friends/roommates were there. I wonder if they’re still discouraging any type of relationship between us, like they did after we first broke up. I wonder if he’s “keeping me a secret”.

I don’t know.

On the one hand, I feel like we are so perfect for each other. But on the other hand, I feel like we’re a miserable train wreck. I wonder if that’s my lot in life – to be a train wreck. Maybe for whatever reason, I am destined in this lifetime to never settle down, to never find “the one”. Maybe I’m destined to be a disaster.

Maybe in a past life, I was too attached to relationships. And so in this life, I am being forced to learn how to unattach. I’m having to cleanse the negative karma of unhealthy attachment, love addiction. Maybe in a past life I was plagued with extreme fear of abandonment, and so in this life I am being forced to get over that. It’s sucks, but it’s a thought I really kind of believe.

I don’t even know what to say right now. I don’t feel like talking. I’m just annoyed. My adult brain is telling me I need to go to sleep because I have to wake up so early in the morning. My teenager brain is telling me I’m not tired, I don’t care. It’s telling me to fuck it.

I wish I had the ability to say “fuck it” to this (non)relationship. I wish I could not care. I wish it didn’t affect the entirety of my being every day. I wish I could take things day by day, instead of constantly worrying about the future and overanalyzing the present.

I guess we all have our lots in life to live. And I guess this is mine. Are we really the masters of our own destinies?? Or just puppets of fate?? I don’t know.
And to that question I have one thing to say:

Fuck it.

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About emilleejoyce

I am a yoga alliance 200 hour certified yoga teacher whose hobbies include growing cacti and succulents, cooking vegan food, and bicycling. My day job is in academic publishing.

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