self-degradation

My sleeping schedule has been so erratic lately, I apologize for the lack of posts.

I must admit however, that I don’t really feel like writing much anymore. Everything I have to talk about is negative, and talking gets me nowhere. I’m tired of talking. I’d rather just sulk in silence.

Tuesday night, almost immediately after writing my last post, I was snuggled up in bed when I got a call from my ex wanting to hang out. I decided what the hell, and we had a great night. I didn’t go to bed until 4 AM that night. We had a lot of fun.

But on Friday, my ex upset me a lot. He decided not to sit next to me in class, which isn’t really a big deal. I can handle that. He had to share his book with another girl in class. That’s not a big deal either. I can handle that as well. What I couldn’t handle, was sitting there watching him flirt with this girl the entire time. I understand he has a flirty personality, he may not have even realized he came off that way. But he did. Sitting there watching him act the way he used to act with me, with another girl, was extremely painful. And it upset me.

And my ex realized I was upset. He asked me what was wrong. But I refused to talk about it with him. Partly because I don’t really have the right to be upset with him, seeing as how we aren’t dating anymore. Partly because I just didn’t want to talk about it with him.

I wonder if I made the right choice. Maybe I should’ve told him what was wrong. Guys are stupid. He probably didn’t figure out that he was the reason I was upset. But still, I probably made the right choice. Talking about it would’ve just opened a painful can of worms that neither of us wants to deal with.

I don’t know how to interpret his actions. It’s been almost a week since he texted me to just see how things were. We had such a great night Tuesday, and now this. I feel like there must be something wrong with me. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe he’s just busy, and forgetful. But then again, maybe he just really doesn’t care all that much about me.

I feel so down on myself, and I don’t know how to stop. I wish I knew clearly how my ex felt about me. That would make things so much easier. Then I could stop analyzing, and get on with my life.

I’m stuck in a hard place, because suddenly I find myself both wanting to and not wanting to be in a relationship with him. One moment I have the attitude of “I don’t care at all about him” and the next, he’s all I can think about. I can’t get him out of my head regardless, and it’s wearing me down.

I guess I just feel kind of drained, physically and emotionally. I haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep since labor day, and I won’t get one for the next 2 weeks. I’ve got a yeast infection and the medicine the doctor gave me makes me feel nauseous and bloated all the time (sorry if that’s TMI). I have the largest amount of schoolwork this semester that I’ve had since I started college. Add all my emotional turmoil on top of those things and I feel like I’m burning the candlestick at both ends.

I just want to feel important to someone. It honestly makes me sad when I’ve been at work all day, and no one has texted me just to see how things are, or to tell me something. It makes me sad when no one chats me or messages me on facebook. I just feel like I’m not that important. And I guess you could come at the angle that if I really wanted people to talk to me that badly, I should just initiate the conversation myself – to have a friend, you have to be friend – but I just want someone to take the initiative for once, show me they care.

I’m tempted to start publicizing this blog to my facebook, in hopes one of my friends will read it and care. But I know that’s just a desperate ploy for attention, and I don’t really want my friends reading this blog anyways. I don’t really want my friends to know what I’m struggling with, or the intimate details of my thoughts.

But is it really a crime to want a little attention??

I try to dress really nicely, but people rarely compliment me. According to my ex, tons of people think I’m amazingly gorgeous, but no one bothers to tell me. On the rare occasion I actually put a picture of myself on the internet, no one bothers to compliment it either.

I’m a fucking attention whore. And I’m disgusted with myself because of it. I don’t even want to tell you all the things I’ve done in my life just to get a little attention. I don’t want to explain to you how manipulative I can be – all for a little attention.

I’m tired now. I have to get up early tomorrow to go to work. Maybe after some sleep, I’ll wake up feeling a little better about myself, feeling a little better about life.

But then again, maybe I won’t.

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About emilleejoyce

I am a yoga alliance 200 hour certified yoga teacher whose hobbies include growing cacti and succulents, cooking vegan food, and bicycling. My day job is in academic publishing.

One response to “self-degradation

  1. I think you’ve stepped off your path. Please try to find the path

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