I really don’t know what to write about today. After I got home from church and ate lunch, my day literally consisted of not moving from the couch except to eat and use the bathroom. Super exciting, I know right??
All I know is that I can’t take 3 more weeks like today. I hate just sitting around not doing anything. It makes me feel like a bum. Not to mention it makes my back hurt.
Going to church today reminded me how much I dislike church. It’s boring and everyone there seems so fake. They all seem to put on their perfect little Christian faces so they can sit around and talk about god and pretend they’re such little Christians. Bleck.
I did a presentation on Marilyn Manson in my English class this past semester where I analyzed his music. And the people at my church, those are the people he sings about with such distaste. “They’re white and oh so hetero and their sex is missionary.”
My issue with their religious beliefs doesn’t help.
I wish I could shake all of them, make them wake up. See the world the way I see it. But it would never work. Just like I’m convinced of my ideas’ and opinions’ superiority, so they are also. As much as I think they’re wrong for believing so fervently in christianity, so would they think I’m wrong for being Buddhist.
It’s just disappointing to think that if I tried to engage most of them in some sort of intellectual religious discussion, they wouldn’t be able to do it. They live in their little bubble of Christianity and never step outside of it to explore or learn about other religions. Which I suppose is the saddest part.
I have complete respect for Christians who are educated about the various world religions and science, yet still choose to believe in their god. But those Christians who believe so blindly, without hardly any knowledge of the outside world, those people I have a problem with. You know I have to question a religion which endearingly calls it’s followers “sheep”.
I don’t know.
I’m tempted to digress into a rant about my issues with the religion of Christianity and why I don’t believe it’s real/true, but that would go against my fundamental tolerance for all religions. These people have made their choice, I must respect that choice, even if it bothers me. Even if I secretly believe they’re all idiots.
But surely others must understand my frustration??
I was thinking about it in church today; why do I find it so difficult to stay awake in church when staying awake in class is no problem for me?? And I think it’s because of the lack of discussion.
Oh yes, the have discussion in my Sunday school, but it never deviates from the accepted norm of Christian belief. They muse about “god’s plan” and “God’s purpose” but no one ever seems to question what they’re being taught. I suppose I’m looking in the wrong place if I want to find dissenters, but it just seems the attitude of the church favors “sheep-ism” over intellectualism.
I would love to play devil’s advocate in Sunday school but I don’t out of fear of judgement. If I played devil’s advocate, not only would it reflect badly on me, but it would reflect badly on my mom. “She hasn’t been a proper guide for me, she’s failed some how.” That sort of stuff.
And then I wonder why our pastor always seems to be making a call to action. I think I’m right in assuming most of our congregation are converts. Even if they’re not converts, they’re still required to make that monumental decision to “ask Jesus into their hearts”. That’s almost as big as deciding to convert. So what happened to that old adage about converts being of stronger faith?? Why does everyone in the congregation seem so complacent??
Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions. Maybe they’re not complacent but I just can’t tell because I don’t know their inner life. But I don’t know. I just examine my own enthusiasm for Buddhism and wonder why that doesn’t seem to translate appropriately to converts of Christianity.
I don’t know.
That’s my rant for today.
I still live in mortal fear of my “true” religion being found out. I think I would die if people at my church found out I’m actually Buddhist, even though sometimes I find myself wanting to scream it from the top of my lungs.
Like today in church, we were doing our meet and greet section of the service and a guy from our Sunday school came up to me. I’m horrible at making conversation so once the formal niceties were out of the way, I made an absent minded comment about how I almost didn’t come because I had to wake up early.
Oops!! Bad idea!!
The guy launched into a discourse about how sad it is that we put god so low on our priorities, that we can’t even wake up early for him. Stuff like that. While I understand where he was coming from and stuff, I was internally mortified because I’m not Christian, and the only reason I did come to church today was because of the societal expectation that if I’m home from college, I should be in church.
I felt like I was on trial, while at the same time, relieved that he seemed to believe my accidental lie about being Christian.
The stuff I put up with to conceal my true identity.
It really does make me sad that I feel I can’t share Buddhism with my family. It’s such an integral part of me now. I feel like people back home don’t really know who I am because they’re missing that part of me.
But they’d never understand anyways…