What’s the point of talking to people??

So it’s now day 2 of no phone and posting from my computer. I stuck my phone in the fridge last night as per my dad’s incessant suggesting (“because fridge’s dry things out”), and it’s been in rice constantly since it came out of the toilet. I plan on turning it on tomorrow and I’m hoping that everything goes fine and it works basically the same. Fingers crossed.

I don’t know what to write about today.
I did get my Christmas shopping for my mom done today. I got her a candle thing, like I get her every year. But I just don’t know what else to get her. I know she likes candles. I know she uses candles, and I can’t ever think of anything else.
I have to go shopping for my dad tomorrow. I plan on buying him coffee, like I do every year, because he likes coffee and is too cheap to buy the good stuff for himself. I want to get him something else, to sort of bring his gift value closer to my mom’s, but I don’t know what to get. He’s even harder to shop for than she is!!

I don’t know. Maybe (there’s really no maybe about this) I’m just bad at gift shopping, like I’m also bad a socializing. I’m generally bad at things involving other people. -_-

Me and my dad have already had several conversations about my difficulty socializing since I’ve been home.
It’s just so difficult. I go to church and these places and see people I haven’t seen in months, and I just, don’t know what to say. They ask me how college is and I say “good” and I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know whether I should elaborate or try to change the subject or something. I don’t know.

My dad says socializing is like a tennis game and I’m supposed to ask a question back so the other person can talk about themselves. He says they don’t actually care how college was for me and they’re just going through the appropriate politeness protocols. Well see, that’s a problem. Because I don’t care about them either. How am I supposed to ask them a question back if I don’t actually care what their answer will be?? I’m sorry if I don’t want to waste my breath asking questions I don’t care about the answer to.

I can carry on conversations perfectly well with people whom I care about or with whom I have a genuine interest in what they’re talking about. But not the people at church, not the people who barely even deserve to be called my acquaintances. I’m sorry if I don’t care about those peoples’ lives.

And to go back to the original college question. If we somehow manage to avoid the awkward silence that usually falls after my one word answer, they ask me about my major. I say “comparative literature”, and then I just get that look. You know, that glazed over “I-have–no-idea-what-that-is” look and I’m like, I don’t really know what it is either!! I mean, I know what my major is, I just don’t know how to explain to people who aren’t actively involved in the field of comparative studies. -_-
Even if I do manage to sufficiently explain what my major is to people, I still get the look of “I-know-who’s-going-to-have-a-crap-ton-of-debt-when-they-graduate” look. Like, they don’t take my major seriously. They almost never ask me to elaborate about my studies or anything. This goes back to my original problem. How can I care about their lives when they clearly don’t actually care about mine?!?

It truly does confound me.

And I must digress and say, sometimes I feel like something is genuinely wrong with me because I lack the ability to care about these almost-acquaintences. Even though it’s clear to me they don’t care either, I still feel guilty.

And I feel like I must be truly sick because I don’t care about the victims of that elementary school shooting. Actually, I really shouldn’t say I don’t care. I just shun any information about it because 1.) the media way over plays things and I get tired of it and 2.) I know if I actually stop to listen and think about what happened, I’ll get majorly sad and depressed. But still, I feel guilty for getting irritated by the media coverage. I feel guilty for getting angry about random people trying to “help”. I don’t know if I’m making any sense right now, but basically, I oftentimes feel like I must be sick in the head for not showing or feeling the required amount of caring and/or emotion in general that society demands of me in certain situations.

Oh!! I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. I feel guilty when my emotions don’t match what is expected of me. Like my best friends, I consider them my best friends and they mean a lot to me, but I wouldn’t say that I love them. But society seems to demand that you “love” your best friends, so I feel guilty for not feeling that.

Just things like that. In general, I find I struggle with expressing emotions. I’m very passive-agressive, and my parents like to point out how many similarities I have with autistic children. -_-

Sometimes I feel I would just be better off being a hermit and never having contact with people. I’d certainly be more productive. Haha. But I also know all the problems I have right now, would just get way way worse. I’d love to talk about those problems right now, but that’s another post for another day. Haha (nervous laugh).

Well, I suppose that’s about it. I was going to talk about my stretching and stuff again tonight, but after writing that, stretching doesn’t seem too interesting to me.
I suppose I’ll go now. I have a horrible nicotine-withdrawal headache right now which is making it hard to think.
Good night!!


About emilleejoyce

I am a yoga alliance 200 hour certified yoga teacher whose hobbies include growing cacti and succulents, cooking vegan food, and bicycling. My day job is in academic publishing.

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