I don’t like Christmas but I like schedules.

So I’m in a pretty ho-hum mood tonight. I don’t know. A wave of depression has sort of washed over me in this last hour.

What can I say?? Christmas is probably one of my least favorite holidays. I don’t want to say that I hate Christmas, but I come pretty close sometimes.

I don’t know. I’m not Christian and I loathe materialism. So what’s the point?? I’m also not big on the cuddly, happy family aspect of it either. I don’t enjoy the pressure of buying gifts for people. I don’t like the constant jollity and I hate most Christmas music. I don’t want a holiday telling me that I should love my family and stuff. I don’t know. It just all seems so pointless.

I have to get up at 8 AM tomorrow in order to open presents and eat breakfast before my sister comes for lunch. That’s not a holiday. That’s torture.

And the food. The food irritates me. I don’t understand why all of our holidays seem centered around the stuff. I’m one of those people who eats to live, rather than lives to eat. So I just find it frustrating. The over abundance of sweet things is just too much for me to handle. And the meat. You always have to have meat during the holidays. I don’t actually like meat. Again, what’s the point??

Sorry for the negativity. Like I said, I really am in a foul mood right now. You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch, right??

Part of it is because I’ve been thinking about all my problems I have. I have to be frank. I’ve self diagnosed myself with obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which is different from obsessive compulsive disorder, mind you. OCPD is “a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, mental and interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.”

That’s me all over. And sometimes it depresses me to think about it. Not so much because I think it’s a bad thing, but because I worry it’s negatively affecting my relationships.

I don’t know. I don’t have a problem with my obsessive thoughts about schedules and orderliness and what not. I find them very convenient and they keep me sane. But I know other people have problems with them. In fact, I feel like this disorder was partly responsible for the end of my last relationship.

I don’t know. A lot of times, I don’t think I have this disorder because I don’t think I’m that bad. But then I listen to my parents talk about me, you know, the 2 people who have been observing me my whole life, and they make it sound really bad. Apparently I’ve always been like this, even as a young child, and I’ve gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.

My mom used to leave me check-off lists when I was at home, so I would have some sort of schedule to follow. She said I always did better that way. And I still do it to this day. I’ve made countless lists for various things and I’ve scheduled my life quite dramatically. I have my weekly schedule for next semester already planned. I’ve scheduled my classes for the rest of my college career!! And I can spend hours making these schedules and lists, revising them and editing them and color coding them.

When I used to live at home year round, I kept labels on all my drawers of what’s inside of them. My bookshelf is organized by subject. Everything, everywhere, has a proper place, and if it gets moved, it just throws me off completely.

I have perfectionism that is at times, so crippling, it prevents me from getting anything done. Earlier this summer, I started a fashion blog and it almost didn’t come to fruition because my fear of it not being perfect was so strong, it was paralyzing.

I can’t leave my house or my dorm without putting on a full face of makeup and putting on “real clothes”. I just don’t feel right if I don’t.

And when I get off my schedules, or something out of the ordinary happens, all hell breaks loose. There were times this past semester when a deviation from my expected schedule had me in tears. I think that’s partly where this bad mood is coming from. I’ve been off of my regular schedule for almost a week and a half now, an incredibly long time for me, and my metal stability is starting to collapse. It doesn’t help that my one stabilizer, nicotine (which also follows a schedule), is deprived of me here.

And I have an extensive list of rules for how things should be done and in what way. I almost never deviate from it. My dad says it must be exhausting to follow so many rules all the time, but I don’t even notice. They’ve been a part of my life for so long, they’re second nature to me. And I like them. That’s the thing. As much as I know this behavior is not normal, I don’t want to change. My rules and schedules comfort me, they keep me sane, they make life easier for me. I don’t want to let go of them.

I feel crazy writing all this stuff down and putting it on the Internet. But I just needed to vent somewhere. I talked with one of my best friends at college about this, she kind of understands because she has similar problems with anxiety and, for lack of a better word, OCD. But it’s just not the same, because she doesn’t have OCPD. She doesn’t have rules and schedules for brushing her teeth like I do. Yes, she used to have to flip light switches on and off until it “felt right”, but it’s not the same thing.

And that’s depressing. I wish I could find one person who places an importance on rules and whatnot like I do. If I could find a guy like that, we’d be an almost perfect couple. We would understand each other. Okay, we’d probably make each other worse, but still, someone would understand.

And thats where I’m at right now. Left with the fear that the one thing I don’t want to change in my life, will be the one thing that prevents me from finding a suitable life partner.

But maybe it’s not so hopeless?? Wikipedia says OCPD is twice as common in males than in females. Maybe I’ll find somebody some day…maybe.

*sigh*
Good night y’all and merry fucking Christmas.

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About emilleejoyce

I am a yoga alliance 200 hour certified yoga teacher whose hobbies include growing cacti and succulents, cooking vegan food, and bicycling. My day job is in academic publishing.

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