Confessions of a Confounded Twitter User

Well I have good news!!
I got my phone out of the rice today and it’s back inworking order!! Seriously, the only evidence of its swim in the toilet are a couple of tiny black lines on the screen. Other than that, everything else is fine!! The external sound is even working again.

I’m quite relieved about this, even though I’m still pretty sure I’m getting a new phone for Christmas. Apple really does know how to make a long lasting, durable product.

Hm. My mind is drawing a blank about what to write about.
I mean, I finished my Christmas shopping today and went to the grocery store, buts that’s hardly interesting.

I guess, the latest thing that’s been on my mind (meaning in the last couple of hours) is the conundrum of twitter. I have a twitter, but I still don’t really feel I’m using it effectively. I don’t know.

I want more followers on twitter but I post nothing of value that would warrant more followers in my opinion. I have no trouble thinking of things to post on Facebook, but I turn to twitter and my mind goes blank.

I guess that’s partly because I feel the stuff one posts on twitter should be relatively meaningful, whereas Facebook can just be filled with the dregs of daily life.

I just find myself lacking inspiration.
Like on here, I don’t know if y’all have noticed, but I always start out with boring stuff before my brain finally seizes on something interesting to write about. With a 140 character limit on twitter, I don’t have the space to do that. My inspiration doesn’t come compressed in small packages.

I don’t know why I attach this strange importance to twitter. I suppose this relates back to my social media post from a couple days ago. Worrying about the number of followers you have on twitter is a problem unique to our social media society.

Still, we all seek validation in certain ways, I seek the validation of total strangers. I always have. I always will. That’s why, as much as I lament the failings of social media, I will continue to use it and use it frequently.

I know I’m not the only person who seeks validation from total strangers. That’s another byproduct of our hyper-connected society. But it is what it is. I am what I am.

I just feel like I could have such inspiring and interesting things to say, if I could only figure out how to get them out of my head and onto paper. This problem isn’t unique to twitter. I feel the same way about writing a book. Writing a book is on my bucket list, and I feel I could write a really good one, if only I could find a way to organize and mesh all my thoughts into one coherent theme.

This may sound cheesy, but it’s the truth; part of me really wants to become a famous spiritual person. Like the Dalai Lama, but on a smaller scale. Like Jack Kornfield or Deepak Chopra (with less of the wishy-washy new agey stuff). Anyways, you get my picture.

I feel like social media and the Internet could be a great way to get my spiritual ideas out there, but I just don’t know how to organize them. I don’t know how to be inspiring on a daily basis. Being inspiring is hard when you have life to worry about.

I suppose they say, if you can dream it, you can do it, and maybe my problem is I’m just not making myself do it. I think spiritual inspiration is like a lot of things. In the beginning it’s difficult, but as you do it more and it becomes a habit, it becomes easy. Maybe that should be a new year’s resolution for me?? To post one inspiring thing on twitter a day. God, it sounds hard even thinking about it.

But I suppose most things worth doing are hard.
I don’t know if you can call posting to twitter “something worth doing” but trying to be inspiring or spiritual is. It’s for my benefit and anyone else who happens to read my tweets I suppose. Just to help me get and stay in that mindset of being spiritual is a good thing. I so oftentimes feel disappointed in myself for my lack of focus on Buddhism in my daily life. You’d think with as much as I love it and find it to be a source of inner peace, I would spend time studying it every day. But alas, normal life gets in the way and I can always find so many excuses.

Maybe that should be my new year’s resolution. Spend more time focusing on Buddhism. I know I’d be much happier for it.

I just find Buddhism to be so inspiring and wonderful. That’s part of the reason why I want to be a famous spiritual leader or twitter celebrity, I want to bring Buddhism to the masses!! I know not everyone will want to convert to Buddhism like I did, but I feel if I could just expose them to some of the ideas, the world would be such a better place.

Sometimes I really wish I could convert the whole world to Buddhism. Haha. But then life wouldn’t be any fun would it?? Diversity is the spice of life!! :P

Night y’all.

Oh yeah, and after all this talk about twitter, if you really wanna follow me, I’m @emilleejoyce

What’s the point of talking to people??

So it’s now day 2 of no phone and posting from my computer. I stuck my phone in the fridge last night as per my dad’s incessant suggesting (“because fridge’s dry things out”), and it’s been in rice constantly since it came out of the toilet. I plan on turning it on tomorrow and I’m hoping that everything goes fine and it works basically the same. Fingers crossed.

I don’t know what to write about today.
I did get my Christmas shopping for my mom done today. I got her a candle thing, like I get her every year. But I just don’t know what else to get her. I know she likes candles. I know she uses candles, and I can’t ever think of anything else.
I have to go shopping for my dad tomorrow. I plan on buying him coffee, like I do every year, because he likes coffee and is too cheap to buy the good stuff for himself. I want to get him something else, to sort of bring his gift value closer to my mom’s, but I don’t know what to get. He’s even harder to shop for than she is!!

I don’t know. Maybe (there’s really no maybe about this) I’m just bad at gift shopping, like I’m also bad a socializing. I’m generally bad at things involving other people. -_-

Me and my dad have already had several conversations about my difficulty socializing since I’ve been home.
It’s just so difficult. I go to church and these places and see people I haven’t seen in months, and I just, don’t know what to say. They ask me how college is and I say “good” and I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know whether I should elaborate or try to change the subject or something. I don’t know.

My dad says socializing is like a tennis game and I’m supposed to ask a question back so the other person can talk about themselves. He says they don’t actually care how college was for me and they’re just going through the appropriate politeness protocols. Well see, that’s a problem. Because I don’t care about them either. How am I supposed to ask them a question back if I don’t actually care what their answer will be?? I’m sorry if I don’t want to waste my breath asking questions I don’t care about the answer to.

I can carry on conversations perfectly well with people whom I care about or with whom I have a genuine interest in what they’re talking about. But not the people at church, not the people who barely even deserve to be called my acquaintances. I’m sorry if I don’t care about those peoples’ lives.

And to go back to the original college question. If we somehow manage to avoid the awkward silence that usually falls after my one word answer, they ask me about my major. I say “comparative literature”, and then I just get that look. You know, that glazed over “I-have–no-idea-what-that-is” look and I’m like, I don’t really know what it is either!! I mean, I know what my major is, I just don’t know how to explain to people who aren’t actively involved in the field of comparative studies. -_-
Even if I do manage to sufficiently explain what my major is to people, I still get the look of “I-know-who’s-going-to-have-a-crap-ton-of-debt-when-they-graduate” look. Like, they don’t take my major seriously. They almost never ask me to elaborate about my studies or anything. This goes back to my original problem. How can I care about their lives when they clearly don’t actually care about mine?!?

Blah.
Socializing.
It truly does confound me.

And I must digress and say, sometimes I feel like something is genuinely wrong with me because I lack the ability to care about these almost-acquaintences. Even though it’s clear to me they don’t care either, I still feel guilty.

And I feel like I must be truly sick because I don’t care about the victims of that elementary school shooting. Actually, I really shouldn’t say I don’t care. I just shun any information about it because 1.) the media way over plays things and I get tired of it and 2.) I know if I actually stop to listen and think about what happened, I’ll get majorly sad and depressed. But still, I feel guilty for getting irritated by the media coverage. I feel guilty for getting angry about random people trying to “help”. I don’t know if I’m making any sense right now, but basically, I oftentimes feel like I must be sick in the head for not showing or feeling the required amount of caring and/or emotion in general that society demands of me in certain situations.

Oh!! I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. I feel guilty when my emotions don’t match what is expected of me. Like my best friends, I consider them my best friends and they mean a lot to me, but I wouldn’t say that I love them. But society seems to demand that you “love” your best friends, so I feel guilty for not feeling that.

Just things like that. In general, I find I struggle with expressing emotions. I’m very passive-agressive, and my parents like to point out how many similarities I have with autistic children. -_-

Sometimes I feel I would just be better off being a hermit and never having contact with people. I’d certainly be more productive. Haha. But I also know all the problems I have right now, would just get way way worse. I’d love to talk about those problems right now, but that’s another post for another day. Haha (nervous laugh).

Yeah…
Well, I suppose that’s about it. I was going to talk about my stretching and stuff again tonight, but after writing that, stretching doesn’t seem too interesting to me.
I suppose I’ll go now. I have a horrible nicotine-withdrawal headache right now which is making it hard to think.
Good night!!

They Need a Whole New Word for Me

I’m late! I’m late! But not really. After having a conversation with one of my friend’s on facebook, she inadvertently inspired me to create an outfit inspired by a pimp. I’ll post it on my fashion blog next week, but I just had to finish the outfit tonight while my creative juices were flowing. I know that’s so random, but my friends are random. What can I say?? She issued me a challenge. I had to take it.

But anyways…..I’m feeling quite satisfied tonight after an all day shopping trip with my mom. I finally managed to get most of my “wardrobe checklist” crossed off. Bout the only thing left on my “list” is a new (p)leather jacket. Other than that, I’m all set!! I can’t wait to go back to Columbus and show off all my new clothes. ;D

So a question occurred to me randomly today.
Is there a word to define someone who is only attracted to someone after they get to know their personality?? A quick googling of the subject didn’t really return any solid results. I want to know, because that’s what I am.

I know sexuality is an awkward topic, but I’m gonna talk about it anyways.
For several years, I identified myself as bisexual but that kind of went by the wayside as I lost basically any desire to ever have a relationship with a woman. I identified as straight for a long time, and I still kind of do now. (I oscillate between whether I should call myself straight or bisexual). I like to think of myself as a straight girl, who is occasionally physically attracted to women.

But, even if I mostly identify with straight, I have a really hard time relating to my girl friends who like to ooh and aah over cute guys. I see all these guys on tv who are supposed to be absolutely amazing sexy handsome whatever, and I’m just not attracted to them. I always chalked it up to my strange taste in men (seriously, you should see my exes) but then I realized it one day after a conversation like this happened:

Friend: Look at him, isn’t he so hot/cute/sexy/etc? (shows me picture)
Me: I guess….sure…??
Friend: How can you not think he’s hot??
Me: I just can’t tell if I don’t know what his personality is like first.

So that. I know it’s common to be attracted to someone’s personality. You can’t have romantic relationships without an attraction to someone’s personality. But as far as I know, it’s not common for personality to be an impediment to finding someone attractive. You know what I mean?? When I’m walking down the street, and a guy that most girls would find attractive passes me, I am ambivalent towards his attractiveness. I don’t find him unattractive, I’m ambivalent. (I think the definition of ambivalent applies in this situation).

But, like I mentioned earlier, I am also occasionally attracted to girls. But this whole ambivalence thing, doesn’t apply with them. I either find you attractive or I don’t. It doesn’t matter what kind of personality you have.

Ugh. I need my own special word to categorize myself.
But does anybody know what I’m talking about?? Does anybody experience a similar thing?? Regardless of the whole bisexuality thing, are there people out there who need the personality to evaluate someone’s attractiveness??

I mean, while googling stuff, I ran across the term pansexuality and the best I found it described was being attracted to someone regardless of their gender or nongender. And, that does fit me. I prefer to call it nondiscrimination, but whatever. If I’m attracted to you I’ll date you regardless of whether you’re male, female, transgendered, no gender (is that possible?), or whatever else genders there might be out there.

Maybe I should just call myself flexible. Haha.

I have another question. What is so revolutionary or taboo about the idea that people can love people outside of proscribed gender roles?? Maybe it seems common sense to me because I naturally swing in whichever way, but what’s the big deal if someone is attracted to their own sex or a different sex or all sexes or whatever?? This is really baffling to me.

I’m a libertarian, so I really don’t understand other peoples’ need to meddle in other peoples’ lives. Like seriously, leave them alone. I love that meme floating around on the internet that says “Don’t agree with gay marriage? Then don’t get one.”

Okay, and I’ll even go so far as to say, I respect peoples’ right to disagree with gay marriage. That’s cool. You’ve got your own ideas. I’ve got mine. But why do people feel the need to force their idea on other people??

You know what I really hate?? The slippery slope argument. But if we let gay people get married, then the polygamists will want to get married!! Gasp!! And why shouldn’t they get married also?? I think they should be able to get married too. I’m very liberal when it comes to who and how many people you have sex with. Isn’t this what this all boils down to?? Sex.

Okay, I’m sorry. I’m confusing myself now. It’s late. Maybe one day when I can make more sense of what I’m writing and I’m not also trying to multitask, I will continue this defense of letting people screw who they want to screw. But seriously, I need to get ready for bed now. Good night.

Threatening the Status Quo

Why is it that people who threaten the status quo are cast out and exiled?? What is so horrible about change??

I ask this as I ponder the treatment I received in high school. I had vicious rumors spread about me along with being the target of cyber harassment. All because my behavior was deemed, I don’t know, taboo?? Inappropriate??

I don’t want to go into detail about the behavior that earned me those bullies, I’m only curious why I received so much attention in the first place. Compared to society, my behavior wasn’t really abnormal at all – yet people targeted me, I feel, because I threatened the status quo of what is considered to be appropriate behavior for a teenage girl in the south.

I’m fascinated by the National Geographic show Taboo. I love learning about the fringes of society and things society considers “taboo”.

Why does the concept of “taboo” exist anyways?? Does it exist to keep society in predefined boundaries, to make people stay in line and not think for themselves?? Cuz that’s rather a shame. But you see it every day. People forego thinking in exchange for a nicely packaged predetermined way of life.

You know that’s why I think organized religion has been more successful and why religions like Buddhism, that encourage self reflection and independent thought, will never surpass organized religion in numbers of adherents. People don’t want to think for themselves. They’d rather blindly adhere to the pre established tenets of some book than figure out what they truly believe.

And don’t get me wrong. If you have thoughtfully examined and reflected upon *insert religious text here* then props to you. I respect your decision. But I doubt anyone will argue with me when I say there is a multitude of blind followers who give no thought to the religious doctrine they follow.

It’s really a sad reality. But I digress. Actually, I’m not sure what point I was getting at anyways. I guess I’m just trying to encourage people to think for themselves. If I died with the only accomplishment to my name being that I caused someone to “wake up”, to start thinking for themselves, I would die happy.

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The Art of being Me, and mixing with Society.

Tonight I ponder one of the most cliché yet profoundly important questions one could ask themselves: Who am I?? And more specifically, can I change who I am??

Tonight was my MTV night: the season premiere of Awkward and a new episode of Snooki & Jwoww’s show. And so, by being bombarded by MTV’s definition of “normal”, I ask myself if I could ever be like that.

There is an ideal version of “female” I’ve always held in my head, an ideal version of me I’ve never been able to achieve. Don’t get me wrong, I pretty much love all of myself. But there are things, traits, that are absent from my personality that I’ve always desired.

My ideal self follows along the line of something like this: keep all of my already existent personality/character traits: introspective, intelligent, religiously minded, not materialistic, compassionate, and add some “societal” traits: social, appearance conscious, charismatic…..

Is it possible to combine all of those qualities, or do they naturally cancel each other out?? Is it possible to augment my existing personality to act and behave in a way that’s currently foreign to my nature?? I want to be that girl who always looks her best: hair done, wears heels everyday, super fashionable. But I also want to be that girl who’s super smart and does well in school and succeeds in an academic career. I want to be the girl who surprises people with the topics she’s knowledgeable about. I want to be the girl who goes out drinking with with her friends, who’s always doing something social. I want to be the modern day renaissance woman.

I suppose some might argue that I already fit that mold, but I don’t feel I fit that mold. Just look at the fashion board on my pinterest, it barely resembles my closet. And as per my blog post last night, the whole being social thing is kind of out of the question. I love being an introvert and loathe it at the same time. Is it really possible to change such a large part of one’s personality?? Not to mention, Buddhism explicitly frowns upon certain things I just mentioned (especially drinking). How can I maintain a religious life while conforming to society’s standards??

Can I ever overcome my laziness to become the woman who does everything?? I have chronic laziness problems. And cleanliness problems. But at the same time, I want to be the girl who wakes up at 5 and goes running, has time to make herself fabulous before class, gets all of her homework done that day, and still has time to hang out with her friends. Is that asking too much of myself, or is it just a matter of willpower??

And then there’s the question of the opposite sex. The kind of girl I want to be doesn’t necessarily attract the kind of men I’m interested in. How can I successfully meld myself with society while still retaining the essence of me?? How can I be like everyone else while still making sure that me shines through??

I don’t want to lose myself, but at the same time, I seem to have a constant feeling of dissatisfaction with myself. Is this more a matter of learning to accept myself rather than making myself fit society’s standards??

I don’t know who I want to be.
I wish I could hire someone to give me a makeover or something. I don’t know. I’ve tried “changing” myself in the past but it’s never succeeded, partly because I always had no clue what I was doing, and partly because, it always seemed impossible to make myself fit a mold that wasn’t me.

I guess the question I’m really getting at is, is one’s personality fixed, or can it be molded well into adulthood??

I guess it depends how badly one wants it or how necessary change is. And I guess in my case, I should really figure out if there are even any merits to molding myself to society’s standards. Is it really as fulfilling as I think it is, or is it just an empty promise?? Would it make me happy??

….No. Probably not.

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