This is not how I wanted to spend my last night at home.

I’m so upset with my ex tonight.
He said he was going to pick me up from the airport, take me to lunch, and we’d have some time to spend together. But that all got ruined tonight.

I texted him to double check on times, because he has to go visit family tomorrow, and he said his mom wanted him home at 1. Well that’s kind of a problem seeing as how my flight doesn’t land until 1:15. So he said he would be able to pick me up, but he would have to drop me off. That’s also a problem, because I have nowhere to be dropped off to. My friend who I’m supposed to spend the night with, isn’t planning on coming until later in the day because I was supposed to be spending that time with my ex.

Only after bitching at him did I get him to stick to the original going out to lunch plan. I don’t know how much time we’ll have because he had to haggle with his mom and I never heard back from him.

I’m just so frustrated. There are not enough curse words or exclamation points in this world to adequately convey how incredibly irritated and hurt I am.

I know it was an honest mistake. He got my flight times mixed up in his head. I’m just mad about how he handled the whole situation. On Wednesday, he told me he missed me. On Thursday, he was practically begging me to come back a day early. And today, he’s ready to drop me like a hot potato just because of a time conflict. What is that??

I know it was a conflict with family, and family comes first, and I’m not his girlfriend anymore so I don’t get priority. But really?? It feels like every time I put a little responsibility on him, I’m met with disappointment.

And the way he text-talked to me really bothered me too. When I got upset, he never even bothered to apologize for his mistake, he just got all defensive and told me to calm down, that he was doing me a favor. As if!! Ever since he came up with this idea to see me when I got back in town, it’s caused nothing but headaches. My friend has had to change her schedule several times to meet his ever changing plans. I’m completely helpless in this situation which is the most frustrating part. And he’s doing me a favor?!?

I mean, this whole situation has catapulted me right back into that mopey mood, it almost feels like I’m going through the break up all over again. This situation takes me right back to all the fights we had, the way he always turns things around on me, how he manages to make me feel like it’s my fault.

I was actually really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hanging out. Actually, I was almost giddy from the excitement, and now I have to see him and pretend like I didn’t spend all of tonight crying and being upset. I know I shouldn’t be crying, I shouldn’t be upset, he’s still going to take me out to lunch and everything, but it’s just a surge of old memories coming back that are powering the tears. I have to see him tomorrow and I can’t even tell him how much he’s upset me. I can’t explain to him why this whole situation makes me mad. He’d tell me to chill out and somehow make me feel guilty. This whole situation just shows how, even though we have a ton in common, there is still a giant gap of misunderstanding between my ex and me.

It sucks too because I always feel like I’m fighting for his time. Part of the reason I was so looking forward to seeing him, was because this would be one of the few times where we didn’t have to feel rushed. It feels like most of times that we hang out, he’s on some time crunch and only has an hour or two to spare. And that gets really frustrating for me. I mean, there have been some noticeable examples where that hasn’t happened, but more often than not, he’s squeezing me in during the few spare hours he has in a day. I don’t know whether I should interpret that to mean I’m important to him because he manages to “fit me in” his busy schedule or whether that shows I’m not important to him because he doesn’t make enough time in his schedule.

He just keeps sending me mixed signals. I have come to accept the fact that I still love him, for whatever god awful reason, I do. I can live with that. But what’s so torturous is how he keeps swinging me around with all his emotions. You know, one second he’ll do something that makes me believe, oh maybe he still has some feelings for me, and then he’ll turn right around and do something that convinces me I mean crap to him. Is he just scared of commitment?? Am I just his “backup girl”?? Is he just using me?? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me and is just denying it to himself?? I don’t know what to believe or think. I’m scared to ask him what he feels because I know he’ll just flip out and give me some line about “not pressuring him” and about how he “needs more time” and crap like that. I oftentimes wonder how he would react if I just cut him out of my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on inside his brain. I just wish he wouldn’t make my life so difficult sometimes. Maybe I’m the one who’s making my life difficult by continuing to have him in my life. But you don’t just cut someone you had such a deep connection with out of your life. And I know I shouldn’t, but part of me is still holding out hope that he may ask me out again. Like I’ve said before, I thought I was going to marry the guy, it’s hard to give up on that.

Go ahead. Judge me for what you will. I’m a sick, heart broken little girl who doesn’t know how to step away from someone even though they keep hurting her. I’m ashamed of my feelings but it’s simply the truth.

I have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow, and between my fucked up emotions and my fucked up sleep schedule, I know I’m not going to get any sleep. I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know how seeing my ex will go either, since most of my excitement about seeing him is gone now. I don’t know. But I have a pounding headache and I’ll try to go to bed early regardless.

Good night.

I can’t wait to leave.

So today has been interesting.
I went to kohl’s and bought a new bra and pair of underwear. Yippee. That’s not exciting though.

Complications have arisen with my return to Columbus.

Originally, my friend was going to pick me up from the airport and let me stay at her apartment for the night. Then my ex offered both of those services, so I told my friend not to worry. Well today I found out that my ex can no longer house me for the night. So I asked my friend if it was cool if I still stayed the night…well she had already changed her plans. Now I have to coordinate between the two of them when my ex has to leave and my friend needs to be available.

Ugh. I feel like a horrible person for being so flaky and making my friend’s life so much more complicated. I know she’s not gonna hate me or anything, but I hate having to coordinate and plan and that’s what this situation has made me have to do.

I also tried to Skype with my ex tonight (his suggestion) and it was a super fail. The connection kept crapping out on us. Neither of us could hardly get a sentence in before the video feed would cut out and the connection was lost. Ugh.

It has been a slightly frustrating night.

Oh, also, my ex is in the process of quitting smoking right now. He was complaining of the fatigue he felt from it tonight. But he said, if I still smoke, he’ll probably bum cigarettes from me. I don’t know. Interesting tidbit of info I thought. I don’t think he’s really committed to quitting just yet.

I also decided to buy some new exercise clothes from amazon tonight. Let me tell you, I have never felt more guilty about a purchase than I did tonight. It’s just really hard spending my money when I know I’m supposed to be saving for my apartment.

I mean, I can rationalize it by saying that I did kind of need new workout clothes. I don’t own very many right now, and since my new year’s resolution is to go to the gym more, I need something to wear. And I’m one of those girls where, if I don’t have something cute to wear, I just won’t go. So my purchases are justifiable.

And I did budget my purchases to make sure I still had enough money to make the deposit on an apartment. I still feel bad though. My parents are freaking out so much about the cost of an apartment, it makes me feel guilty for not being like that. I’m not worried, but they seem to be, so then I get worried about the fact that I’m not worried. Ugh. So complicated.

But hopefully all the clothes fit and I like them and I won’t have to deal with the hassle of trying to send them back. I generally hate buying clothes on the Internet because you can’t try them on, but the normal stores you buy exercise clothes from just don’t offer what I want.

I also bought a book of like, buddhist children’s stories. I don’t know. I only bought it because I wanted to get the free super saver shipping. We’ll just file it away under the “for the future” category, not that a children’s book wouldn’t have valuable lessons for an adult in it. I do dream about having kids one day and teaching them about Buddhism and stuff. It’s a little fantasy of mine.

Oh well.
That was my day.
Tomorrow is my last day in Augusta thank god. I’m so ready to leave and get back to Columbus. There’s a reason they call my hometown “Disgusta”. So tomorrow will devoted purely to packing and getting ready to leave on Saturday.

Sometimes I feel guilty for 1) not wanting to come home and 2) when I am home, not enjoying my time here. But it is what it is. Like I said, Columbus is home now. I don’t really have any friends left here and I hate living with my parents. We get along much better when we don’t have to share the shame living quarters. I mean, I’ve never really been homesick before. I don’t know if I ever will be. I just like being independent and not having to be accountable to someone all the time. It’s very freeing.

But that’s my post for the night. I don’t have much else to say, other than Saturday can’t come fast enough.
Nighty night.

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