A Long Update

I’ve finally got some time and I’m bored so I figured I’d update y’all about my life. I’m currently listening to Otep’s new album, Hydra. It’s pretty good so far. I don’t know. In case you’re wondering.

Well, I’d say my life has been pretty eventful since my last update on here, since I got back from Christmas break.

First, my classes.
I’m taking Intro to World Literature, Turkish, an earth sciences class about the planets, sex & gender in the ancient world, and French 101. So far they’ve been pretty good. My world literature class will be interesting I think. It’s immigration focused and the books we will be reading look interesting. We’re even reading a book by Kundera, and I really like him! I’m undecided how I feel about my professor though. I was expecting a professor I had last semester to be teaching this class, but she up and moved to Switzerland or somewhere, so I have someone different. She’s Italian. I mean, so far so good, I just haven’t decided if I really like her yet though. We’ll see.

Turkish is Turkish, same as always. I’m really really behind on French though. I’m doing individualized instruction, so I don’t have a real class. I learn the material on my own and then schedule appointments with instructors. I completely procrastinated the first couple weeks of school and now I’m playing catch up. I think everything will be okay. Everything is online, and at first I really hated it, but after a series of emails between me and the head instructor, I think I’ve finally got everything figured out, and it’s not so bad. I think I may actually learn a decent amount.

I’m not excited about my planets class. I do have a genuine interest in the planets, but I was hoping this class would be all lecture, but it has a ton of class activities and we have to do math. Ugh. I haven’t done math in 3 years, so even though it’s only basic algebra, I’m just kind of out of it.

My sex & gender class has proved interesting so far. It’s a ton of reading but at least the subject material is interesting. We just finished up learning about greek pederasty (male-male relationships) and are now moving on to female homoeroticism. I’m happy that the class is decently literature based, even though it’s for my history requirement. It’s right up my alley.

So yeah. Those are my classes.

I also got my apartment rented. The apartment I was raving about over Christmas break turned out to be kind of crappy in real life. It definitely threw me for a loop. I’d put all my hopes into this one apartment, and I didn’t like it at all. I was allowed to view 3 apartments during my appointment, and luckily for me, my mom convinced to go see 3, even though I didn’t have 3 I was interested in originally. It’s lucky for me because that 3rd apartment I added at the sole urging of my mom, the one I thought would be crappy, is actually the one I wound up renting.

It has its pros and cons. It has a very open feeling floor plan that I really like and it’s decently big for a college apartment, though it is lacking a lot of natural light – something I kind of wanted. It comes with a dishwasher – a luxury in college apartments – but has no laundry and is 3 blocks away from the closest laundromat. It’s close to campus though, something the apartment I originally wanted couldn’t really claim. All in all, I think I’ll be really happy in this apartment. I just can’t wait for it to be August so I can move in!! I’m super excited. Dorm life is wearing me thin.

Hm. I can’t decide if I should get my rant about my ex out of the way right now or fill you in on other notable events right now. Let’s go with my ex.

As you know, he really wanted to see me when I got back from break. He even went so far as to say that he missed me!! And we saw each other, and it went well, but now, now I just feel ready to be done with him. The messages he’s sending me are so mixed and so frustrating, I’m tired of being on his bipolar roller coaster!! There’s this girl in Turkish class who he’s really good friends with. They have the same academic interests. And I’m almost positive he has some sort of feelings for her. They hang out a lot, he looks at her constantly in class and treats her the way he used to treat me when we were dating. And his body language seems to indicate that he has feelings as well. When he sits next to her, he sits super close, a couple times even leaning on her chair. She’s a grad student so she’s several years older than him. I’m not so sure she has any feelings beyond friendship for him though. At least, that’s what I hope.

Anyways. I mean, I guess I could deal with that, but I’m still caught up in his web. The other day he texted me and was like “I really need a friend to talk to right now”. Of course I went to him, but he wanted me to make him feel better and reassure him that all his academic goals aren’t pointless. I find it odd that he went to me for reassurance. But in class, he treats me like shit. One day, he was in a bad mood and didn’t give me a hug before he left (something we’ve been doing since we broke up). It didn’t help I was kind of mad about his whole flirting with that other girl, but I texted him about it (albeit a little confrontationally) and he got mad at me! And today, I asked him about his netflix because I’ve been “stealing” it and I couldn’t log in anymore. You know, it’s fine if he doesn’t want me to use it anymore, but what he said and the way he said it really kind of hurt. He said “Well, you’ve probably been blocked” or something like that. I don’t know. There are much better ways of telling someone you don’t want them to use your netflix anymore other than “you got blocked”.

I don’t know. These are only a few recent examples. He’s been kind of treating me like shit from the get go. I’m also just really disappointed in the lifestyle he’s chosen. The amount of drugs and intoxicants he uses is ridiculous!! I can understand alcohol and weed. Those are “normal” college drugs. But on top of those, he does acid and molly and shrooms and vivans and whatever else. And it seems to be almost constant. He seems to always be putting some sort of chemical into his body. He says he does it to have fun and “find enlightenment” but I really think he’s just running away from all his problems. I can’t be around someone like that. I’m not that kind of person.

~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~

Well, I just had to get that out of my system. My ex has been wearing on my nerves for a while now. His presence makes Turkish class much less enjoyable. On to other notable occurrences in my life.

The most depressing comes first.
My cousin died this past friday. I wasn’t really close to him and I haven’t really let myself cry about it any. Being in Columbus really helps to separate myself from the sadness. His death is notable because of how he died. Keep in mind he was only in his early 30s. But he got put in the hospital before Christmas because of a bad case of pneumonia. He actually had 2 different kinds. He was always getting sick, and originally, he was diagnosed with a genetic immune disorder. But as his condition worsened in the hospital, they (re)tested him for HIV. My cousin was bisexual/gay (I’m not sure which) and it came back positive. They couldn’t give him medicine for his HIV until the pneumonia was gone, but with his body compromised, the pneumonia never went away. His lungs got so weak, they had to put him on a ventilator, but he was on the ventilator for so long, that it wound up puncturing both of his lungs. My aunt and uncle made the decision on Friday to take him off the ventilator and he died shortly thereafter.

I could go on a huge rant about peoples’ reaction after he was diagnosed with HIV, but I won’t. Maybe some other day, but not now. I feel sad even recounting his death. I hate death. He was too young. And it’s weird to think that I will never see him at our family gatherings again.

But anyways, before I start bawling, over that same weekend, on Sunday, I got my first speeding ticket. Because of the long weekend, I went home with my friend and I was driving us home on Sunday. My friend is basically legally blind and it’s really hard for her to see at night so I was driving. I was on the highway going 80 in a 65 zone and got caught by a lovely fucking speed trap. $148 ticket. And I can’t pay it until I get paid. I only have $8 in my checking account right now because I had to pay the deposit on my apartment. And I don’t know when I’m getting paid.

It sucks that I got caught. I didn’t really think the amount I was speeding, on the highway at least, was that big of a deal. I mean, I was speeding. I was technically breaking the law and I accept the consequences of my actions, but I’m starting to understand why so many people hate cops. And you want to know what I learned from getting a ticket? I learned the only reason I probably got caught was because I was being a line leader. Apparently it’s bad to be the front or end of the line, which is dumb. Sorry if I don’t want to be stuck in a giant mass of cars on the highway and drive fast to keep that from happening.

So that’s that.
I have resumed meeting with my Buddhist group on campus, and even got my friend to come to one of the meetings. Tonight we read the heart sutra, and it was a nice look at Mahayana Buddhism for me.
My comparative studies group that I’m the treasurer of has also resumed meeting. Last night we had our first meeting. The actual meeting only lasted for about 45 minutes, but the 3 of us who showed up wound up sitting in the library for 4 hours just talking. Mainly about philosophy, but also about school and classes and what not. It was really nice. And at one point, the other people suggested meeting up again, just the 3 of us, to hang out. Wait, what?!? Did I just make new friends?!? I’ll admit, that moment made me kind of happy inside. Plus, the guy who was there….he was kind of attractive. I don’t know. Really his intelligence was more attractive, because holy crap could he rattle off some high level philosophy! He intrigues me…we’ll see if the 3 of us actually hang out again. We’ll see.

All these meetings have been interfering with my gym schedule though. The first week of class, I went to the gym 6 days of the week!! I was really proud of myself. But all these meetings are during my gym time, so I’ve had to miss the fitness classes I normally go too. I’m going to have to rework my schedule so I can fit absolutely everything in. I’m determined to keep up with my new year’s resolution and go to the gym as much as possible!!

But yeah. That’s about it. I actually could talk about more stuff, but I feel bad because I know this is really long blog post, and honestly if any of my readers make it this far, I’ll be impressed. But I just had to get some of that stuff off of my chest and figured I’d just go ahead and give y’all the full update.

I hope all y’all’s lives are going well. I’m going to bed. Good night.


Random random

Sometimes I hate being a smoker. Like now. The shakes and shivers I get from nicotine withdrawal make me miserable, make it impossible to really do anything. In the morning I start out loving smoking, and by nighttime I hate it. It’s the truth when people tell you it’s a love hate relationship.

I was really exhausted beforehand, but now that I’ve gotten up and moved, I’m not tired anymore.

I did actually see my ex in passing today, as I was leaving Turkish and he was arriving. It’s okay, I looked fabulous enough in my opinion. But I kind of wish I hadn’t seen him because I couldn’t stop thinking about him in my next class.

He tried to Facebook chat with me last night, but I was already asleep. So I kept wondering, what would’ve happened if I hadn’t been asleep?? Maybe we would’ve hung out. At least we would’ve gotten to talk. And then I missed a text from him today because I was working. I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for me to talk to him today. Haha.

But it frustrates me. Any opportunity he creates to talk to me, I try to take, because I don’t know when the next one may come up. I try to tell myself, maybe it’s a good thing I was so hard to reach, maybe it works in my favor, making me seem busy and aloof or something. Guys don’t like girls who are too easy, too eager. But it still bugs me.

I mean, I’ll see him tomorrow but still, if he was trying to contact me it means he was thinking about me. That’s a good thing I guess. Because I want him to think about me.

Don’t I sound like such a desperate little girl right now?? I hate that. But I’m only speaking the truth. These are the honest thoughts that go through my head.

One thing I have to remember though, is to not let my expectations of how I imagine things happening make me disappointed when they don’t happen like that. There’s a quote on pinterest that’s very popular that says something along the lines of “The thing that screws us up most in life is our expectations of how things should be.” And it’s true. It’s a very Buddhist concept. Expectations more often than not lead to disappointment, because life never works out the way you expect it to.

But I’m going to look fabulous tomorrow. My expectation is that my ex will notice and compliment me. I will try my best not to be disappointed if that doesn’t happen.

But I think I’m gonna do it. I think I’m gonna wear my hair up tomorrow. It will be a really different and new look for me, and I think people will notice, my ex included. Plus I’m pretty sure he will like my maxi dress I plan to wear. It’s fairly in line with the Muslim ideal of clothing (did I ever mention my ex is a Muslim convert??)

But anyways…work today was good. I was working the sauté pan and it made me feel like a top chef standing their flipping food into the air and catching it. Plus the people who were working next to me were pretty social, so I had someone to talk to while I was there. Maybe I will eventually make friends at this place. That was one of my intentions with getting a job – to make more friends.

Oh, and tonight I actually talked to my roommate! We talked about classes and the Internet and watched the season finale of Teen Mom together. There’s hope for this relationship too. I know we won’t become best friends, but maybe we’ll eventually reach a place of comfort with each other where we can actually have real conversations.

But that’s about it for my day I suppose. I made the trek to CVS to get a prescription filled. How exciting!! And luckily I didn’t have any problems with the discount card my doctor gave me for the prescription. Hooray for small miracles.

Oh, I was really disappointed with my comparative studies translation class today. I was hoping, with today being the first “real” class, I would find it very fun and engaging. But it wasn’t. I was kind of bored. And my professor says “um” a lot – which irritates me. It makes her appear very timid and shy. Professors shouldn’t be either of those.

We basically discussed 3 different translations of 1001 Arabian Knights and how they were different. Boooooring. I normally like discussions, but today I really didn’t have much to say. Yes, the translations are different and some are better than others. What else do we need to talk about?? I hope this class doesn’t wind up being dull.

I did find out there is a native speaker of Turkish in my class. And I’m like crap, now I’m really intimidated. Because she knows how everything is supposed to be pronounced. She knows the grammar and the syntax. She’ll know if I’m wrong. I no longer have the advantage of speaking a language no one knows. Now someone will know if I mess up.

My confidence with Turkish is something I desperately need to work on. I hate making mistakes, but unfortunately when you’re learning a language, mistakes are inevitable. And that scares the crap out of me. I have no problem writing Turkish, because I have time to think about what I’m saying and which way is correct, but you don’t have that advantage when speaking. And when I try to speak outside of class, my mind goes blank – which just intimidates me more.

Ugh. It is a problem I need to work on.

But that’s all I can think of. I didn’t go down to Mirror Lake today, so I’m already back in my dorm. It started to get too cold outside for someone wearing a skirt like me.

One more thing though. I get to sleep in for an hour or so on Friday, which will be a lovely reprieve from my normal 6:40 am wake up call. Hooray for canceled class! She canceled class for us to use it as a “writing day”, but I’m definitely going to use it as a sleeping day instead. You’ve got to get your priorities straight.

But yeah, I’m done talking now. I don’t feel like going to bed, even though I need the sleep, so maybe I’ll jam out to some classical music instead. Haha.


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