A Long Update

I’ve finally got some time and I’m bored so I figured I’d update y’all about my life. I’m currently listening to Otep’s new album, Hydra. It’s pretty good so far. I don’t know. In case you’re wondering.

Well, I’d say my life has been pretty eventful since my last update on here, since I got back from Christmas break.

First, my classes.
I’m taking Intro to World Literature, Turkish, an earth sciences class about the planets, sex & gender in the ancient world, and French 101. So far they’ve been pretty good. My world literature class will be interesting I think. It’s immigration focused and the books we will be reading look interesting. We’re even reading a book by Kundera, and I really like him! I’m undecided how I feel about my professor though. I was expecting a professor I had last semester to be teaching this class, but she up and moved to Switzerland or somewhere, so I have someone different. She’s Italian. I mean, so far so good, I just haven’t decided if I really like her yet though. We’ll see.

Turkish is Turkish, same as always. I’m really really behind on French though. I’m doing individualized instruction, so I don’t have a real class. I learn the material on my own and then schedule appointments with instructors. I completely procrastinated the first couple weeks of school and now I’m playing catch up. I think everything will be okay. Everything is online, and at first I really hated it, but after a series of emails between me and the head instructor, I think I’ve finally got everything figured out, and it’s not so bad. I think I may actually learn a decent amount.

I’m not excited about my planets class. I do have a genuine interest in the planets, but I was hoping this class would be all lecture, but it has a ton of class activities and we have to do math. Ugh. I haven’t done math in 3 years, so even though it’s only basic algebra, I’m just kind of out of it.

My sex & gender class has proved interesting so far. It’s a ton of reading but at least the subject material is interesting. We just finished up learning about greek pederasty (male-male relationships) and are now moving on to female homoeroticism. I’m happy that the class is decently literature based, even though it’s for my history requirement. It’s right up my alley.

So yeah. Those are my classes.

I also got my apartment rented. The apartment I was raving about over Christmas break turned out to be kind of crappy in real life. It definitely threw me for a loop. I’d put all my hopes into this one apartment, and I didn’t like it at all. I was allowed to view 3 apartments during my appointment, and luckily for me, my mom convinced to go see 3, even though I didn’t have 3 I was interested in originally. It’s lucky for me because that 3rd apartment I added at the sole urging of my mom, the one I thought would be crappy, is actually the one I wound up renting.

It has its pros and cons. It has a very open feeling floor plan that I really like and it’s decently big for a college apartment, though it is lacking a lot of natural light – something I kind of wanted. It comes with a dishwasher – a luxury in college apartments – but has no laundry and is 3 blocks away from the closest laundromat. It’s close to campus though, something the apartment I originally wanted couldn’t really claim. All in all, I think I’ll be really happy in this apartment. I just can’t wait for it to be August so I can move in!! I’m super excited. Dorm life is wearing me thin.

Hm. I can’t decide if I should get my rant about my ex out of the way right now or fill you in on other notable events right now. Let’s go with my ex.

As you know, he really wanted to see me when I got back from break. He even went so far as to say that he missed me!! And we saw each other, and it went well, but now, now I just feel ready to be done with him. The messages he’s sending me are so mixed and so frustrating, I’m tired of being on his bipolar roller coaster!! There’s this girl in Turkish class who he’s really good friends with. They have the same academic interests. And I’m almost positive he has some sort of feelings for her. They hang out a lot, he looks at her constantly in class and treats her the way he used to treat me when we were dating. And his body language seems to indicate that he has feelings as well. When he sits next to her, he sits super close, a couple times even leaning on her chair. She’s a grad student so she’s several years older than him. I’m not so sure she has any feelings beyond friendship for him though. At least, that’s what I hope.

Anyways. I mean, I guess I could deal with that, but I’m still caught up in his web. The other day he texted me and was like “I really need a friend to talk to right now”. Of course I went to him, but he wanted me to make him feel better and reassure him that all his academic goals aren’t pointless. I find it odd that he went to me for reassurance. But in class, he treats me like shit. One day, he was in a bad mood and didn’t give me a hug before he left (something we’ve been doing since we broke up). It didn’t help I was kind of mad about his whole flirting with that other girl, but I texted him about it (albeit a little confrontationally) and he got mad at me! And today, I asked him about his netflix because I’ve been “stealing” it and I couldn’t log in anymore. You know, it’s fine if he doesn’t want me to use it anymore, but what he said and the way he said it really kind of hurt. He said “Well, you’ve probably been blocked” or something like that. I don’t know. There are much better ways of telling someone you don’t want them to use your netflix anymore other than “you got blocked”.

I don’t know. These are only a few recent examples. He’s been kind of treating me like shit from the get go. I’m also just really disappointed in the lifestyle he’s chosen. The amount of drugs and intoxicants he uses is ridiculous!! I can understand alcohol and weed. Those are “normal” college drugs. But on top of those, he does acid and molly and shrooms and vivans and whatever else. And it seems to be almost constant. He seems to always be putting some sort of chemical into his body. He says he does it to have fun and “find enlightenment” but I really think he’s just running away from all his problems. I can’t be around someone like that. I’m not that kind of person.

~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~

Well, I just had to get that out of my system. My ex has been wearing on my nerves for a while now. His presence makes Turkish class much less enjoyable. On to other notable occurrences in my life.

The most depressing comes first.
My cousin died this past friday. I wasn’t really close to him and I haven’t really let myself cry about it any. Being in Columbus really helps to separate myself from the sadness. His death is notable because of how he died. Keep in mind he was only in his early 30s. But he got put in the hospital before Christmas because of a bad case of pneumonia. He actually had 2 different kinds. He was always getting sick, and originally, he was diagnosed with a genetic immune disorder. But as his condition worsened in the hospital, they (re)tested him for HIV. My cousin was bisexual/gay (I’m not sure which) and it came back positive. They couldn’t give him medicine for his HIV until the pneumonia was gone, but with his body compromised, the pneumonia never went away. His lungs got so weak, they had to put him on a ventilator, but he was on the ventilator for so long, that it wound up puncturing both of his lungs. My aunt and uncle made the decision on Friday to take him off the ventilator and he died shortly thereafter.

I could go on a huge rant about peoples’ reaction after he was diagnosed with HIV, but I won’t. Maybe some other day, but not now. I feel sad even recounting his death. I hate death. He was too young. And it’s weird to think that I will never see him at our family gatherings again.

But anyways, before I start bawling, over that same weekend, on Sunday, I got my first speeding ticket. Because of the long weekend, I went home with my friend and I was driving us home on Sunday. My friend is basically legally blind and it’s really hard for her to see at night so I was driving. I was on the highway going 80 in a 65 zone and got caught by a lovely fucking speed trap. $148 ticket. And I can’t pay it until I get paid. I only have $8 in my checking account right now because I had to pay the deposit on my apartment. And I don’t know when I’m getting paid.

It sucks that I got caught. I didn’t really think the amount I was speeding, on the highway at least, was that big of a deal. I mean, I was speeding. I was technically breaking the law and I accept the consequences of my actions, but I’m starting to understand why so many people hate cops. And you want to know what I learned from getting a ticket? I learned the only reason I probably got caught was because I was being a line leader. Apparently it’s bad to be the front or end of the line, which is dumb. Sorry if I don’t want to be stuck in a giant mass of cars on the highway and drive fast to keep that from happening.

So that’s that.
I have resumed meeting with my Buddhist group on campus, and even got my friend to come to one of the meetings. Tonight we read the heart sutra, and it was a nice look at Mahayana Buddhism for me.
My comparative studies group that I’m the treasurer of has also resumed meeting. Last night we had our first meeting. The actual meeting only lasted for about 45 minutes, but the 3 of us who showed up wound up sitting in the library for 4 hours just talking. Mainly about philosophy, but also about school and classes and what not. It was really nice. And at one point, the other people suggested meeting up again, just the 3 of us, to hang out. Wait, what?!? Did I just make new friends?!? I’ll admit, that moment made me kind of happy inside. Plus, the guy who was there….he was kind of attractive. I don’t know. Really his intelligence was more attractive, because holy crap could he rattle off some high level philosophy! He intrigues me…we’ll see if the 3 of us actually hang out again. We’ll see.

All these meetings have been interfering with my gym schedule though. The first week of class, I went to the gym 6 days of the week!! I was really proud of myself. But all these meetings are during my gym time, so I’ve had to miss the fitness classes I normally go too. I’m going to have to rework my schedule so I can fit absolutely everything in. I’m determined to keep up with my new year’s resolution and go to the gym as much as possible!!

But yeah. That’s about it. I actually could talk about more stuff, but I feel bad because I know this is really long blog post, and honestly if any of my readers make it this far, I’ll be impressed. But I just had to get some of that stuff off of my chest and figured I’d just go ahead and give y’all the full update.

I hope all y’all’s lives are going well. I’m going to bed. Good night.

I love Epsom salt baths.

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since September. Sorry about that. A lot has contributed to my absence. Mainly, on top of being super busy, I just haven’t felt like writing.

But the semester is over now. Tonight’s my first night back in Georgia. So I’ll have plenty of free time to post now. Woo! I guess I should get y’all updated then.

So school.
I’ve gotten all my final grades in except for one. All A’s so far. I’m expecting my last grade, fingers crossed, to be a B.

All of my classes were good this year, except for my history class, which is the class I’m praying I make a B in. I have determined that history just isn’t really my thing. Too many dates and too many people.

Plus the final exam for that class was killer. On top of doing multiple choice questions, a map portion, and an identification section, we were expected to write 2 full length essays!! In an hour and 45 minutes no less!! I’m sorry, but if you want me to do all that, AND write 2 awesome essays, I’m gonna need more time. I actually feel pretty good about the exam. It’s only the second essay I’m really worried about. I didn’t have time to plan out my thoughts or evidence, and to be honest, I didn’t really know the answer to the prompt, so there was some major BS-ing going on. I’m just praying for a B. If I get a B in that class, I’ll be happy.

All of my other classes were great though. Turkish was Turkish, so I didn’t have any problems there. My English class was great and I did awesome on my final presentation. I did great on my translation studies paper and entomology was easy. The final wound up not even counting in that class because I had such a good grade.

So yeah, not a bad semester, but I sure am glad it’s over with. I’ve never had a finals week so intense. But next semester, I’ll be taking Turkish again, a class on the planets, intro to world literature, a class on sex and gender in the ancient world, and French 101. I’m excited about next semester. I think all of my classes will be really fun.

I’ve also started preparing to rent my own apartment next year. We’re gonna get all that straightened out while I’m home for christmas. I can’t stand living in the dorms and I’m super excited to live on my own, off campus, next year. No roommate to worry about, I’ll be able to cook my own food, it’ll be great I think. I’ve got several apartments already picked out, but I haven’t looked at any of them yet. The public season for the main ones I’m looking at doesn’t start until January 11th, so I have to wait. Fingers crossed though that I find the perfect apartment without too much difficulty. And that everything works out money wise because we’re planning on paying for my apartment out of pocket.

Me and my mom talked briefly about that tonight. She estimated it’ll cost $1000 a month for me to live off campus, but I think her estimate is too high. That’s all based on my spending this year and hypothetical utility bills. Living in an apartment will cut down on my spending costs because I won’t be eating out so much. And there are ways (I’m prepared to sacrifice) to make utility bills lower.

But yeah. I’m planning on staying in Columbus, basically year round. I want to get an off campus job this summer on top of my on campus job when next school year starts up. I’m going to pay for rent and possibly some other stuff if I can. I’m prepared (well, working on it) and I think everything will work out.

I’m sure those of you (if you do exist) that care about my meager life for some reason, want to know about me and my ex. And I can honestly say, things are good. I feel like our relationship has reached a point of balance and comfortability. You know, I’ve accepted that we’re not together and I’m okay with that. Maybe well get back together one day, maybe we won’t. But things are really good.

I’ve finally reached a place of emotional stability. I’m not constantly swinging back and forth between extremes anymore. Yes, I still do fantasize about us being together, but that fantasizing doesn’t send me into a depression like it used to. I think I can honestly say I’m happy with the current situation. It may not be ideal. Others may think its not right or not healthy or whatever, but I’m pretty content.

I’ve found lowering my standards has helped. Haha. I’ve stopped expecting so much from my ex. Maybe he’s not acting the way I want or imagined originally, but I can’t control him, and that’s okay. He talks to me when he talks to me. When see each other when we see each other. There’s not many expectations or pressure. And he’s still there for me. I mean, he took me to the airport this morning. He’s taking care of my plants over break. Things are good. We’ll see where the future takes us.

So yeah, that’s my update for now. That’s all I can think of that’s major. Perhaps I’ll have something more interesting to post tomorrow. But basically, I just wanted to say, I’m back!!

self-degradation

My sleeping schedule has been so erratic lately, I apologize for the lack of posts.

I must admit however, that I don’t really feel like writing much anymore. Everything I have to talk about is negative, and talking gets me nowhere. I’m tired of talking. I’d rather just sulk in silence.

Tuesday night, almost immediately after writing my last post, I was snuggled up in bed when I got a call from my ex wanting to hang out. I decided what the hell, and we had a great night. I didn’t go to bed until 4 AM that night. We had a lot of fun.

But on Friday, my ex upset me a lot. He decided not to sit next to me in class, which isn’t really a big deal. I can handle that. He had to share his book with another girl in class. That’s not a big deal either. I can handle that as well. What I couldn’t handle, was sitting there watching him flirt with this girl the entire time. I understand he has a flirty personality, he may not have even realized he came off that way. But he did. Sitting there watching him act the way he used to act with me, with another girl, was extremely painful. And it upset me.

And my ex realized I was upset. He asked me what was wrong. But I refused to talk about it with him. Partly because I don’t really have the right to be upset with him, seeing as how we aren’t dating anymore. Partly because I just didn’t want to talk about it with him.

I wonder if I made the right choice. Maybe I should’ve told him what was wrong. Guys are stupid. He probably didn’t figure out that he was the reason I was upset. But still, I probably made the right choice. Talking about it would’ve just opened a painful can of worms that neither of us wants to deal with.

I don’t know how to interpret his actions. It’s been almost a week since he texted me to just see how things were. We had such a great night Tuesday, and now this. I feel like there must be something wrong with me. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe he’s just busy, and forgetful. But then again, maybe he just really doesn’t care all that much about me.

I feel so down on myself, and I don’t know how to stop. I wish I knew clearly how my ex felt about me. That would make things so much easier. Then I could stop analyzing, and get on with my life.

I’m stuck in a hard place, because suddenly I find myself both wanting to and not wanting to be in a relationship with him. One moment I have the attitude of “I don’t care at all about him” and the next, he’s all I can think about. I can’t get him out of my head regardless, and it’s wearing me down.

I guess I just feel kind of drained, physically and emotionally. I haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep since labor day, and I won’t get one for the next 2 weeks. I’ve got a yeast infection and the medicine the doctor gave me makes me feel nauseous and bloated all the time (sorry if that’s TMI). I have the largest amount of schoolwork this semester that I’ve had since I started college. Add all my emotional turmoil on top of those things and I feel like I’m burning the candlestick at both ends.

I just want to feel important to someone. It honestly makes me sad when I’ve been at work all day, and no one has texted me just to see how things are, or to tell me something. It makes me sad when no one chats me or messages me on facebook. I just feel like I’m not that important. And I guess you could come at the angle that if I really wanted people to talk to me that badly, I should just initiate the conversation myself – to have a friend, you have to be friend – but I just want someone to take the initiative for once, show me they care.

I’m tempted to start publicizing this blog to my facebook, in hopes one of my friends will read it and care. But I know that’s just a desperate ploy for attention, and I don’t really want my friends reading this blog anyways. I don’t really want my friends to know what I’m struggling with, or the intimate details of my thoughts.

But is it really a crime to want a little attention??

I try to dress really nicely, but people rarely compliment me. According to my ex, tons of people think I’m amazingly gorgeous, but no one bothers to tell me. On the rare occasion I actually put a picture of myself on the internet, no one bothers to compliment it either.

I’m a fucking attention whore. And I’m disgusted with myself because of it. I don’t even want to tell you all the things I’ve done in my life just to get a little attention. I don’t want to explain to you how manipulative I can be – all for a little attention.

I’m tired now. I have to get up early tomorrow to go to work. Maybe after some sleep, I’ll wake up feeling a little better about myself, feeling a little better about life.

But then again, maybe I won’t.

Today was good.

Alright. I’m going to try and make this post quick because I really do need to go to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow so I can go to Buck-I-Frenzy early with my friends.

Today was a really good day. I made some progress on getting my dorm organized and to my liking. Today was also the student involvement fair that I’ve mentioned several times previously.

Last year the student involvement fair was held inside due to rain. I thought the amount of people who showed up then was insane. This year is was sooo much bigger!! It was held outside on the oval (which is its normal location) and there were so many people. I only saw about half of the booths because there was just too much crowd to fight.

I did get to help out with my Buddhist group’s table like I had planned and I’m really proud of myself. I’m not very good at being social but I think I did a really good job handing out fliers and telling people what they needed to know. We got like 3 pages of emails from people who are interested, so I hope that means we’ll really have a legitimate club with more than 5 members. Out of those 3 pages of emails, someone is bound to show up at our meetings!!

I also got another free plant. (One of the catholic organizations hands out free plants every year). That makes #6 in my dorm!! Haha. My parents will be soooo thrilled. I don’t know what it is yet, I’ll have to google it. But it looks really pretty. I promise I’ll put pictures of my plants up soon.

I also went to hookah (one of my most favorite “hobbies”) with one of my friends. We had a really good time and I did some much needed venting about my ex.

Tomorrow is Buck-I-Frenzy (like I said) which is otherwise known as “get tons of free shit”. I also have to work for the first time this new school year. It’s only for 3 hours but I’m still not super excited about it. It’s kind of inconveniently placed right in the middle of the afternoon (2-5). Oh well, hopefully it won’t be too miserable.

And that’s all I have to say. If I could stay up later I might expand upon the ex-venting (because I do have a lot to say on that subject) but I don’t feel like upsetting myself tonight and I need to go to bed desperately.

Good night!!

F. M. L.

Today has been an exhausting day to say the least.
We got on campus around 8:30 to move me in to my dorm. After several hours of unpacking and putting together, we got most of my stuff unpacked. My parents left around 4:30.

I haven’t done this much walking all summer. I know I’ll get used to it, like I did last year, but still, my feet and legs are tired!! And tomorrow is the involvement fair, which will mean even more walking. It will probably take about a week before my body adjusts.

So first off, I’m sure you’re wondering about my roommate. She’s seems nice enough, but we havent really spent enough time together for me to asses her personality thoroughly. It’s really funny though. When you look at our closets, her side is all bright bright colors with lots of flip flops and “comfy” clothes. My side is full of dark blacks and greys with high heels, boots, and pointy toed flats. Haha. If that gives any indication of how different our personalities may be.

I really need to vent about this dorm though.
What?? You thought it would be nice because it’s new??
It is, dot get me wrong. I’m in a corner room so we get 2 windows (which is great for my plants) and everything is nice and new and clean.

But the bathrooms. Ohmyfuckinggod the bathrooms.
I’m angry about this. Part of the reason I chose this dorm was because it had semi-private bathrooms. The dorm I lived in last year had semi-private bathrooms. The dorm I lived in last year had about 6 rooms that each came equipped with a shower, toilet, and sink/mirror. I loved this setup. And stupid me for thinking because this dorm has the same “type” of bathrooms, they would be set up the same.

Nuh uh. It’s about 5 rooms each with a shower and toilet. And then 3 public sinks and mirrors. So I’m already unhappy about this. There are things I do in the bathroom which require a private mirror. I had to take my little hand held mirror into the shower closet so I could do these things without being seen.

Second thing, these bathrooms are not strictly gender separated. While I’m standing at these public sinks trying to take off my makeup and wash my face, what happens?? 4 loud guys come in to all take a piss in the “shower closets” – getting a full view of me in my awkwardness of getting ready for bed.

Now, it’s not like I’m want to impress these guys or anything. I just want some fucking privacy!! It would’ve been one thing if it had been 4 loud girls, but guys, really?? I honestly just feel kind of violated.

And another thing I noticed while hiding out in the shower closet trying to get some privacy, is there is really no where to put your stuff except the nasty dirty floor. There are 2 hooks to put your towels, but where am I supposed to put my robe?? Where am I supposed to put my stuff I don’t want to take to the shower with me?? My old dorm had plenty of places to put stuff. But not this one. Hell, my friends’ communal bathroom last year had more places to put things.

Me and my high maintenance-ness are gonna have a serious problem with this.

The one saving grace is the handicapped bathroom “pod” thing does come with a private mirror and sink and plenty of room to put things. And honestly, I don’t care how long I have to wait. I wouldn’t care if there were 50 handicapped people lined up behind me (though that’s not really true), I’m using that bathroom. I can’t use it right now because it’s fucking OUT OF ORDER. But I swear, as soon as that sign comes off – I’m first in line.

So that’s my rant for today. I’m sure I’ll have even more to vent about tomorrow after I take my shower in the shower closet.

But I’m going to try to wake up early(ish) tomorrow to help prepare myself for classes on wednesday. So I bid you all adieu. Pictures of my dorm will soon follow after I finish getting everything put together.

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