This is not how I wanted to spend my last night at home.

I’m so upset with my ex tonight.
He said he was going to pick me up from the airport, take me to lunch, and we’d have some time to spend together. But that all got ruined tonight.

I texted him to double check on times, because he has to go visit family tomorrow, and he said his mom wanted him home at 1. Well that’s kind of a problem seeing as how my flight doesn’t land until 1:15. So he said he would be able to pick me up, but he would have to drop me off. That’s also a problem, because I have nowhere to be dropped off to. My friend who I’m supposed to spend the night with, isn’t planning on coming until later in the day because I was supposed to be spending that time with my ex.

Only after bitching at him did I get him to stick to the original going out to lunch plan. I don’t know how much time we’ll have because he had to haggle with his mom and I never heard back from him.

I’m just so frustrated. There are not enough curse words or exclamation points in this world to adequately convey how incredibly irritated and hurt I am.

I know it was an honest mistake. He got my flight times mixed up in his head. I’m just mad about how he handled the whole situation. On Wednesday, he told me he missed me. On Thursday, he was practically begging me to come back a day early. And today, he’s ready to drop me like a hot potato just because of a time conflict. What is that??

I know it was a conflict with family, and family comes first, and I’m not his girlfriend anymore so I don’t get priority. But really?? It feels like every time I put a little responsibility on him, I’m met with disappointment.

And the way he text-talked to me really bothered me too. When I got upset, he never even bothered to apologize for his mistake, he just got all defensive and told me to calm down, that he was doing me a favor. As if!! Ever since he came up with this idea to see me when I got back in town, it’s caused nothing but headaches. My friend has had to change her schedule several times to meet his ever changing plans. I’m completely helpless in this situation which is the most frustrating part. And he’s doing me a favor?!?

I mean, this whole situation has catapulted me right back into that mopey mood, it almost feels like I’m going through the break up all over again. This situation takes me right back to all the fights we had, the way he always turns things around on me, how he manages to make me feel like it’s my fault.

I was actually really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hanging out. Actually, I was almost giddy from the excitement, and now I have to see him and pretend like I didn’t spend all of tonight crying and being upset. I know I shouldn’t be crying, I shouldn’t be upset, he’s still going to take me out to lunch and everything, but it’s just a surge of old memories coming back that are powering the tears. I have to see him tomorrow and I can’t even tell him how much he’s upset me. I can’t explain to him why this whole situation makes me mad. He’d tell me to chill out and somehow make me feel guilty. This whole situation just shows how, even though we have a ton in common, there is still a giant gap of misunderstanding between my ex and me.

It sucks too because I always feel like I’m fighting for his time. Part of the reason I was so looking forward to seeing him, was because this would be one of the few times where we didn’t have to feel rushed. It feels like most of times that we hang out, he’s on some time crunch and only has an hour or two to spare. And that gets really frustrating for me. I mean, there have been some noticeable examples where that hasn’t happened, but more often than not, he’s squeezing me in during the few spare hours he has in a day. I don’t know whether I should interpret that to mean I’m important to him because he manages to “fit me in” his busy schedule or whether that shows I’m not important to him because he doesn’t make enough time in his schedule.

He just keeps sending me mixed signals. I have come to accept the fact that I still love him, for whatever god awful reason, I do. I can live with that. But what’s so torturous is how he keeps swinging me around with all his emotions. You know, one second he’ll do something that makes me believe, oh maybe he still has some feelings for me, and then he’ll turn right around and do something that convinces me I mean crap to him. Is he just scared of commitment?? Am I just his “backup girl”?? Is he just using me?? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me and is just denying it to himself?? I don’t know what to believe or think. I’m scared to ask him what he feels because I know he’ll just flip out and give me some line about “not pressuring him” and about how he “needs more time” and crap like that. I oftentimes wonder how he would react if I just cut him out of my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on inside his brain. I just wish he wouldn’t make my life so difficult sometimes. Maybe I’m the one who’s making my life difficult by continuing to have him in my life. But you don’t just cut someone you had such a deep connection with out of your life. And I know I shouldn’t, but part of me is still holding out hope that he may ask me out again. Like I’ve said before, I thought I was going to marry the guy, it’s hard to give up on that.

Go ahead. Judge me for what you will. I’m a sick, heart broken little girl who doesn’t know how to step away from someone even though they keep hurting her. I’m ashamed of my feelings but it’s simply the truth.

I have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow, and between my fucked up emotions and my fucked up sleep schedule, I know I’m not going to get any sleep. I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know how seeing my ex will go either, since most of my excitement about seeing him is gone now. I don’t know. But I have a pounding headache and I’ll try to go to bed early regardless.

Good night.

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Distracted Writing

Currently working on turning my old iPhone into an iPod, so sorry if this post seems a little distracted.

So today I felt the actual repercussions of the damage I did to myself last night. Last night, I was only feeling soreness in the top of my hamstrings, but this morning I woke up and basically the entire back of my legs hurt. I seriously overstretched my hamstrings. It’ll probably take several days for this soreness to go away.

And my knee is really bad. Last night, and this morning, walking sent a little needle of pain up through my knee. I wrapped it last night to keep it immobilized and tried to avoid putting any pressure on it today or bending it past 90 degrees, but it still hurts.

Tonight I did stretch a little bit. But it was very minor stretching. I was just trying to get some of this soreness out if my hamstrings. I also did some pliés/squats to help strengthen my messed up knee. I’m positive I can rehabilitate both of my injuries successfully on my own because they’re minor. It will just take time and I’ll have to be careful. Especially since I’m going back to Columbus in 3 days and I was planning to start exercising as soon as I got back.

Ugh.
Well today I went to JoAnn’s (the fabric store) and Kohl’s. my mom wanted to me to look at fabric for a chair and foot stool of mine that needs reupholstering. Hopefully I’ll be able to use them in my imaginary new apartment. They just need to be reupholstered first….

I also went to kohl’s to look at bras. The other night I convinced myself that I was wearing the wrong size and I wanted to go to kohl’s to try on different sizes to see if my hunch is right.

Well I still am not sure. My band size is a 34 and I really wanted to try on a 32 because I’m pretty sure that’s the part that I’m getting wrong. But guess what?? Kohl’s only has 32s in A’s and B’s. so I gave up and just shopped for my regular size. I didn’t buy anything, though I did find some that fit.

Me and my mom also re-dyed my hair tonight. It sure is a good thing we didn’t wait until the absolute minute because I have giant dye stains on my forehead that probably won’t go away for a couple of days. *rolls eyes* What can you expect when your mom is dyeing your hair?? She does a pretty good job though. We have both learned along the way of this 5-6 year journey.

I suppose today has been one of my more “exciting” days on break. I’m just ready to get back to Columbus. I definitely think of Columbus as my home now. Georgia is my hometown, you know, where I grew up, but Columbus is my home.

I never understand the saying “home is where the heart is” because I always hated living in Augusta so much, but now I understand it. My heart is in Columbus and Columbus is home. And I can’t wait to go back.

Baking Troubles & Apartment Worries

Ohmygoodness. I have spent practically all day today baking. I started after lunch, around 2:30, and didn’t get finished until approximately 6:00!! Well, I guess that’s not all day, but it sure felt like it.

I started out by making the chocolate cookies with cream cheese icing we have every year for Christmas. The responsibility usually falls on me to make them because they’re kind of labor intensive, and no one else really wants to make them. But I love them so much, I have to have them every year for Christmas!! So I make them.

They really didn’t take that long. I made, if my math is right, 65 cookies, plus a Tupperware container of cream cheese icing. They are so very delicious.

I also decided to try and make a Boston cream pie for the first time. I’d been wanting to make some sort of cake, and Boston cream pie is one of my favorites. The recipe seemed relatively easy…

Let me start out by saying that I considered my pie an abject failure. My mom however, thought it turned out perfect. So many things went wrong!! It didn’t help that this was my first time truly baking a cake all by myself, and it was a new recipe too!!

Anyways, the first and biggest problem was that the cake stuck to the pan, really really badly. I have no idea why. I greased the pans with shortening and floured them just like I’ve always seen my mom do. But for some reason they still stuck!! Ugh. The first layer broke in half when I was trying to remove it from the pan. And basically the entire top of the second layer stuck to the bottom of the pan. It was so frustrating.

And because the cake themselves were such a distraction, the cream/custard filling sat too long and got a film, which when stirred, made it all lumpy. Yuck.

And the chocolate glaze, was well, a glaze, when I was expecting more of an icing. I wanted to be able to cover the sides of my pie and the recipe only made enough for the top. I know, Boston cream pies don’t normally have chocolate on the sides, but I wanted mine to, plus I wanted to cover up the ugliness of my deformed cake layers.

I seriously wanted to cry after I was done. Mainly because of the cake layers sticking so bad. But my mom thinks it looks fine, and I think it will taste okay, which is the most important part. I just never expected it to be so frustrating!! But I suppose baking, just like life, never goes quite as planned. If this recipe tastes good and I decide to make it again, I’ll definitely have to modify it though. I want more chocolate!! And if I like the custard filling, I might use it for a lemon cake….

But yeah. That was today’s adventure. And what an adventure it was. I dirtied up so many dishes!! The kitchen was a mess after all that baking!!

Anyways. I finally managed to get a preliminary dialogue going about me renting an apartment. I went over all the apartments on my current “to-look-at” list and we talked about the things I will need to furnish it.

I’m really not sure what my parents are worried about. My mom suggested they might be over-thinking the entire situation, and I think they are. Yes, there are financial things to worry about, but they’re not that big of a deal. Especially when I plan on being the one the foot like half of the bill.

And you know, furnishing the apartment will be a little difficult and expensive, what with my parents living so far away. But I’m not that worried about that either. I already own several of the things needed for my apartment. Really the only big worry is getting a bed and all the necessary bed accessories. That will be expensive and it isn’t particularly easy to transport either. But we will figure out a way. I don’t know why my parents worry so much. Probably because they’re parents. Haha.

I feel positive everything will work out well with the apartment; well, that is everything except the apartment. There’s this one apartment building I’m hedging all my bets on and I’m hoping and praying it doesn’t get snatched up before I can look at it. I hope it lives up to all my expectations, since I haven’t actually seen it yet.

Mainly I’m just worried because I know a lot of people already have apartments, or they’ve at least started looking. I haven’t done any of that. I didn’t really see the point since my parents forbid me from signing a lease before Christmas break and the apartments I really wanted don’t start showing until January 11. Oh well, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

I really wish there was some sort of charm or spell to help forecast good apartment hunting, but I’m Buddhist; I’m not supposed to believe in that stuff. I don’t know. In situations like these, my pagan roots tend to surface. (I was pagan for 3 years before I converted to Buddhism). Ah, if only life were as simple as casting a spell to fix everything…if only…

But that’s all I got for tonight.
I get to wake up an hour later tomorrow because me and my mom are skipping Sunday school. Haha. We’re so naughty. But I am back playing in the orchestra. I think tomorrow should go well. And then Monday is Christmas Eve and Tuesday is Christmas. Hooray!! Something exciting to do. :P

Peace out. ✌

Leaving Tomorrow

So tomorrow I am leaving for Columbus!! The car is basically all packed up save for a few last minute things. I got my hair re-dyed today and painted my fingernails. Haha. 2 very important things crossed off my list.

Tomorrow I have to wake up at 5:30 so we can leave at 7 for our 12 hour car ride. I’m toying with the idea of just not going to bed! Haha. I mean, I go to bed around 3:30. We’re talking about 2 hours of sleep. Is it even worth it??

Yeah probably. I would feel weird not sleeping. It would be like my new day never started.

But I’m excited to finally be going back to Columbus. It doesn’t feel like it’s time to leave already! But it is. In about 4 hours I’ll be on my way.

I’m excited to see my friends. I’m excited for my classes. I’m excited to start a brand new year as a brand new person. I’m even excited to meet my roommate! (Albeit that excitement is mixed with much hesitation).

But on another note, I was thinking again today about a possible double major with history. I’m really just not sure. I really do like history, I’m just not sure if a history major would fulfill my needs.

I still feel totally committed to my interest in the Ottoman Empire and language. But I also have a side interest in the history of ancient civilizations. Part of my dream career involves consulting and studying old stuff dug up by archeologists!

So I don’t know. I think it may just be my fear of committing to a major that’s talking. I’m just so afraid, with all of my interests, what if I don’t pick the right one??

No joke, if I had all the time and money in the world, I’d major in microbiology, molecular genetics, zoology, anthropology/archeology, comparative literature, comparative religion, history, something with farm animals, plant stuff….what else am I leaving out??

I have too many interests!!

But anyways, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system…going back to Columbus yay!

I feel like I had something else to talk about tonight, but I can’t remember what it is. Oh well.

I did order my textbooks for my English class today, because the teacher emailed us about the books. I’m waiting on all the other classes until after I find out what is required. Doing that saves you from wasting money on books you might not need or use.

But yeah…I’m tired if rambling now. Tomorrow I’ll be blogging from Columbus. Hooray!!

Goodnight. :)

Buddhist Study & Practice Group at OSU

Well I think I may be able to retract my statement about the world not caring about the attack on the Sikh temple. The world still doesn’t care as much as I wish it would, but they talked more about it tonight on the news and I saw a few meager posts about it on Facebook.

So maybe the world cares a little bit.

But I still don’t know what to talk about tonight. I’ve got epic writer’s block right now.

These past 2 days I’ve been focusing a lot on getting things ready for the new school year with the Buddhist group I belong to on campus. We’re going to have a booth at the Student Involvement Fair this year, and I’m helping out with that.

I like to think of myself as kind of the PR/Social Media chair of the club. Last year I made the posters for our group. They wound up not getting distributed very much because of all the rules OSU has for “advertisements”. Ugh. But I also started and currently manage our group’s website/blog: http://osubuddhist.wordpress.com/ and I’m designing the handouts for the Involvement Fair as well.

This group is definitely something I’m passionate about. I really want to get the word out on campus about Buddhism and get our group up and running. Last year we probably only had about 5 regular members, but things are looking up – especially with the Involvement Fair on the horizon.

Basically everyone attends the Involvement Fair and it’ll be a great way to get out name out there. I feel a lot of people might have an interest in Buddhism if they could only learn more about it. Especially kids who may be jaded from organized religion.

Our biggest problem right now is actually getting attendees at our meetings. We have over 50 members of our Facebook page, yet only 5 or so people actually show up at our meetings. Another problem is getting more undergraduate involvement. I’m basically the only active undergraduate in the group, everyone else are graduate students.

It’s a great conundrum. How do you 1.) attract new members 2.) get the word out about your group 3.) have regular meetings and 4.) host campus-wide events on a budget of about $200?? We don’t have the money to have professional posters made or send campus-wide email blasts or whatever else like the bigger groups on campus. It’s definitely a brain teaser.

But yeah, this has been my focus recently. Like I said, I’m really passionate about this student organization and I want want want it to be successful. We could have such an impact on campus!! People just don’t know what they’re missing.

Anyone got any pointers?? Haha. We could really use the help. And hey, if you’re in Columbus near the OSU area and have an interest in Buddhism, please come visit us!!

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