A Long Update

I’ve finally got some time and I’m bored so I figured I’d update y’all about my life. I’m currently listening to Otep’s new album, Hydra. It’s pretty good so far. I don’t know. In case you’re wondering.

Well, I’d say my life has been pretty eventful since my last update on here, since I got back from Christmas break.

First, my classes.
I’m taking Intro to World Literature, Turkish, an earth sciences class about the planets, sex & gender in the ancient world, and French 101. So far they’ve been pretty good. My world literature class will be interesting I think. It’s immigration focused and the books we will be reading look interesting. We’re even reading a book by Kundera, and I really like him! I’m undecided how I feel about my professor though. I was expecting a professor I had last semester to be teaching this class, but she up and moved to Switzerland or somewhere, so I have someone different. She’s Italian. I mean, so far so good, I just haven’t decided if I really like her yet though. We’ll see.

Turkish is Turkish, same as always. I’m really really behind on French though. I’m doing individualized instruction, so I don’t have a real class. I learn the material on my own and then schedule appointments with instructors. I completely procrastinated the first couple weeks of school and now I’m playing catch up. I think everything will be okay. Everything is online, and at first I really hated it, but after a series of emails between me and the head instructor, I think I’ve finally got everything figured out, and it’s not so bad. I think I may actually learn a decent amount.

I’m not excited about my planets class. I do have a genuine interest in the planets, but I was hoping this class would be all lecture, but it has a ton of class activities and we have to do math. Ugh. I haven’t done math in 3 years, so even though it’s only basic algebra, I’m just kind of out of it.

My sex & gender class has proved interesting so far. It’s a ton of reading but at least the subject material is interesting. We just finished up learning about greek pederasty (male-male relationships) and are now moving on to female homoeroticism. I’m happy that the class is decently literature based, even though it’s for my history requirement. It’s right up my alley.

So yeah. Those are my classes.

I also got my apartment rented. The apartment I was raving about over Christmas break turned out to be kind of crappy in real life. It definitely threw me for a loop. I’d put all my hopes into this one apartment, and I didn’t like it at all. I was allowed to view 3 apartments during my appointment, and luckily for me, my mom convinced to go see 3, even though I didn’t have 3 I was interested in originally. It’s lucky for me because that 3rd apartment I added at the sole urging of my mom, the one I thought would be crappy, is actually the one I wound up renting.

It has its pros and cons. It has a very open feeling floor plan that I really like and it’s decently big for a college apartment, though it is lacking a lot of natural light – something I kind of wanted. It comes with a dishwasher – a luxury in college apartments – but has no laundry and is 3 blocks away from the closest laundromat. It’s close to campus though, something the apartment I originally wanted couldn’t really claim. All in all, I think I’ll be really happy in this apartment. I just can’t wait for it to be August so I can move in!! I’m super excited. Dorm life is wearing me thin.

Hm. I can’t decide if I should get my rant about my ex out of the way right now or fill you in on other notable events right now. Let’s go with my ex.

As you know, he really wanted to see me when I got back from break. He even went so far as to say that he missed me!! And we saw each other, and it went well, but now, now I just feel ready to be done with him. The messages he’s sending me are so mixed and so frustrating, I’m tired of being on his bipolar roller coaster!! There’s this girl in Turkish class who he’s really good friends with. They have the same academic interests. And I’m almost positive he has some sort of feelings for her. They hang out a lot, he looks at her constantly in class and treats her the way he used to treat me when we were dating. And his body language seems to indicate that he has feelings as well. When he sits next to her, he sits super close, a couple times even leaning on her chair. She’s a grad student so she’s several years older than him. I’m not so sure she has any feelings beyond friendship for him though. At least, that’s what I hope.

Anyways. I mean, I guess I could deal with that, but I’m still caught up in his web. The other day he texted me and was like “I really need a friend to talk to right now”. Of course I went to him, but he wanted me to make him feel better and reassure him that all his academic goals aren’t pointless. I find it odd that he went to me for reassurance. But in class, he treats me like shit. One day, he was in a bad mood and didn’t give me a hug before he left (something we’ve been doing since we broke up). It didn’t help I was kind of mad about his whole flirting with that other girl, but I texted him about it (albeit a little confrontationally) and he got mad at me! And today, I asked him about his netflix because I’ve been “stealing” it and I couldn’t log in anymore. You know, it’s fine if he doesn’t want me to use it anymore, but what he said and the way he said it really kind of hurt. He said “Well, you’ve probably been blocked” or something like that. I don’t know. There are much better ways of telling someone you don’t want them to use your netflix anymore other than “you got blocked”.

I don’t know. These are only a few recent examples. He’s been kind of treating me like shit from the get go. I’m also just really disappointed in the lifestyle he’s chosen. The amount of drugs and intoxicants he uses is ridiculous!! I can understand alcohol and weed. Those are “normal” college drugs. But on top of those, he does acid and molly and shrooms and vivans and whatever else. And it seems to be almost constant. He seems to always be putting some sort of chemical into his body. He says he does it to have fun and “find enlightenment” but I really think he’s just running away from all his problems. I can’t be around someone like that. I’m not that kind of person.

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Well, I just had to get that out of my system. My ex has been wearing on my nerves for a while now. His presence makes Turkish class much less enjoyable. On to other notable occurrences in my life.

The most depressing comes first.
My cousin died this past friday. I wasn’t really close to him and I haven’t really let myself cry about it any. Being in Columbus really helps to separate myself from the sadness. His death is notable because of how he died. Keep in mind he was only in his early 30s. But he got put in the hospital before Christmas because of a bad case of pneumonia. He actually had 2 different kinds. He was always getting sick, and originally, he was diagnosed with a genetic immune disorder. But as his condition worsened in the hospital, they (re)tested him for HIV. My cousin was bisexual/gay (I’m not sure which) and it came back positive. They couldn’t give him medicine for his HIV until the pneumonia was gone, but with his body compromised, the pneumonia never went away. His lungs got so weak, they had to put him on a ventilator, but he was on the ventilator for so long, that it wound up puncturing both of his lungs. My aunt and uncle made the decision on Friday to take him off the ventilator and he died shortly thereafter.

I could go on a huge rant about peoples’ reaction after he was diagnosed with HIV, but I won’t. Maybe some other day, but not now. I feel sad even recounting his death. I hate death. He was too young. And it’s weird to think that I will never see him at our family gatherings again.

But anyways, before I start bawling, over that same weekend, on Sunday, I got my first speeding ticket. Because of the long weekend, I went home with my friend and I was driving us home on Sunday. My friend is basically legally blind and it’s really hard for her to see at night so I was driving. I was on the highway going 80 in a 65 zone and got caught by a lovely fucking speed trap. $148 ticket. And I can’t pay it until I get paid. I only have $8 in my checking account right now because I had to pay the deposit on my apartment. And I don’t know when I’m getting paid.

It sucks that I got caught. I didn’t really think the amount I was speeding, on the highway at least, was that big of a deal. I mean, I was speeding. I was technically breaking the law and I accept the consequences of my actions, but I’m starting to understand why so many people hate cops. And you want to know what I learned from getting a ticket? I learned the only reason I probably got caught was because I was being a line leader. Apparently it’s bad to be the front or end of the line, which is dumb. Sorry if I don’t want to be stuck in a giant mass of cars on the highway and drive fast to keep that from happening.

So that’s that.
I have resumed meeting with my Buddhist group on campus, and even got my friend to come to one of the meetings. Tonight we read the heart sutra, and it was a nice look at Mahayana Buddhism for me.
My comparative studies group that I’m the treasurer of has also resumed meeting. Last night we had our first meeting. The actual meeting only lasted for about 45 minutes, but the 3 of us who showed up wound up sitting in the library for 4 hours just talking. Mainly about philosophy, but also about school and classes and what not. It was really nice. And at one point, the other people suggested meeting up again, just the 3 of us, to hang out. Wait, what?!? Did I just make new friends?!? I’ll admit, that moment made me kind of happy inside. Plus, the guy who was there….he was kind of attractive. I don’t know. Really his intelligence was more attractive, because holy crap could he rattle off some high level philosophy! He intrigues me…we’ll see if the 3 of us actually hang out again. We’ll see.

All these meetings have been interfering with my gym schedule though. The first week of class, I went to the gym 6 days of the week!! I was really proud of myself. But all these meetings are during my gym time, so I’ve had to miss the fitness classes I normally go too. I’m going to have to rework my schedule so I can fit absolutely everything in. I’m determined to keep up with my new year’s resolution and go to the gym as much as possible!!

But yeah. That’s about it. I actually could talk about more stuff, but I feel bad because I know this is really long blog post, and honestly if any of my readers make it this far, I’ll be impressed. But I just had to get some of that stuff off of my chest and figured I’d just go ahead and give y’all the full update.

I hope all y’all’s lives are going well. I’m going to bed. Good night.

I made it to Columbus amazingly.

Finally my friends have left and everyone is going to bed. I wasn’t so sure I was going to post tonight, because it is so late, but I figured I’d write sometime while I waited on the bathroom.

Today has been an adventure to say the least.

Everything went fine in terms of my flights until I got to Charlotte. I boarded my plane in Charlotte, we drove out to the runway, and apparently an indicator light for the door came on. They couldn’t get it to go off on their own, so they had to drive the plane back to the gate so maintenance could look at it. They made us all get off the plane and wait in the terminal. It turned into about an hour delay.

Let me tell you, I was ready to have a mental breakdown. After all the crap I dealt with to plan this lunch thing with my ex, I was super pissed that this delay was threatening to ruin it. An hour delay plus things like getting my checked baggage once I was in Columbus translated to almost half of the original planned time with my ex, gone.

I cried. I did. I sat in the Charlotte airport and cried. It was a combination of only having 3 hours of sleep, not having eaten since 7:30, and frustration that everything seemed to be going wrong – and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I was seriously distressed.

I mean it worked out anyways. I got to Columbus around 2:30, was on my way with my ex around 2:45-ish. He managed to get his time extended so it didn’t turn out to be the big time crunch like I thought it would be.

So everything worked out. I still wish I could’ve had more time to spend with my ex. I still wish everything had gone originally as planned because that would’ve have been a lot less stress on me. But at least I did get to see him. I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope that maybe the next time we hang out will last a little longer.

I feel like ruminating over him tonight and what he could potentially be feeling. But I won’t. It’s rather pointless because I’ll never arrive at a definite answer, and even if I did, it probably wouldn’t be a satisfactory one. So I’ll continue doing what I did all last semester and just continue to ignore the question of his feelings for me, as much as it does bother me.

But yeah, the rest of today has been good also. After me and my ex ate lunch, he dropped me off at my friend’s place where I’m staying the night. I spent all of tonight hanging out with my friends.

We say around and talked, tried watching a movie and then decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. That was good purely because I worked up the courage to order the dessert nachos, which we all split.

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They were really good. Ice cream and cheesecake bites on top of a tortilla thing drizzled with chocolate and caramel. I’ve wanted to try it every time I’ve gone into that restaurant, and tonight I finally did. That was fun.

And then we came back, played rock band for a couple hours or so and then sat around and goofed off forever.

I’d definitely say today was good day. I must digress and say, a part of me is a little sad I didn’t get to spend more of it with my ex. I think it’s just because I can hang out with my friends really any time I want, but his time is a lot less free, so in some ways, I value it more.

I don’t know. In all honesty, I feel frustrated with the situation between me and my ex. As much as I’m happy and content with it, I find this weird, ambiguous, undefined relationship we’re in to be really frustrating. It all goes back to me not knowing his intentions: is he using me or does he really care?? If I could know his true intentions, it would make this all easier.

But I suppose that’s one of life’s mysteries that will never be solved. I’m just glad today didn’t turn into a total disaster or let down. At least I have that to be thankful for.

Well it’s late now, and I’m still only functioning on about 3 hours of sleep plus like a 40 minute nap, so I’m quite tired too. So good night.

This is not how I wanted to spend my last night at home.

I’m so upset with my ex tonight.
He said he was going to pick me up from the airport, take me to lunch, and we’d have some time to spend together. But that all got ruined tonight.

I texted him to double check on times, because he has to go visit family tomorrow, and he said his mom wanted him home at 1. Well that’s kind of a problem seeing as how my flight doesn’t land until 1:15. So he said he would be able to pick me up, but he would have to drop me off. That’s also a problem, because I have nowhere to be dropped off to. My friend who I’m supposed to spend the night with, isn’t planning on coming until later in the day because I was supposed to be spending that time with my ex.

Only after bitching at him did I get him to stick to the original going out to lunch plan. I don’t know how much time we’ll have because he had to haggle with his mom and I never heard back from him.

I’m just so frustrated. There are not enough curse words or exclamation points in this world to adequately convey how incredibly irritated and hurt I am.

I know it was an honest mistake. He got my flight times mixed up in his head. I’m just mad about how he handled the whole situation. On Wednesday, he told me he missed me. On Thursday, he was practically begging me to come back a day early. And today, he’s ready to drop me like a hot potato just because of a time conflict. What is that??

I know it was a conflict with family, and family comes first, and I’m not his girlfriend anymore so I don’t get priority. But really?? It feels like every time I put a little responsibility on him, I’m met with disappointment.

And the way he text-talked to me really bothered me too. When I got upset, he never even bothered to apologize for his mistake, he just got all defensive and told me to calm down, that he was doing me a favor. As if!! Ever since he came up with this idea to see me when I got back in town, it’s caused nothing but headaches. My friend has had to change her schedule several times to meet his ever changing plans. I’m completely helpless in this situation which is the most frustrating part. And he’s doing me a favor?!?

I mean, this whole situation has catapulted me right back into that mopey mood, it almost feels like I’m going through the break up all over again. This situation takes me right back to all the fights we had, the way he always turns things around on me, how he manages to make me feel like it’s my fault.

I was actually really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hanging out. Actually, I was almost giddy from the excitement, and now I have to see him and pretend like I didn’t spend all of tonight crying and being upset. I know I shouldn’t be crying, I shouldn’t be upset, he’s still going to take me out to lunch and everything, but it’s just a surge of old memories coming back that are powering the tears. I have to see him tomorrow and I can’t even tell him how much he’s upset me. I can’t explain to him why this whole situation makes me mad. He’d tell me to chill out and somehow make me feel guilty. This whole situation just shows how, even though we have a ton in common, there is still a giant gap of misunderstanding between my ex and me.

It sucks too because I always feel like I’m fighting for his time. Part of the reason I was so looking forward to seeing him, was because this would be one of the few times where we didn’t have to feel rushed. It feels like most of times that we hang out, he’s on some time crunch and only has an hour or two to spare. And that gets really frustrating for me. I mean, there have been some noticeable examples where that hasn’t happened, but more often than not, he’s squeezing me in during the few spare hours he has in a day. I don’t know whether I should interpret that to mean I’m important to him because he manages to “fit me in” his busy schedule or whether that shows I’m not important to him because he doesn’t make enough time in his schedule.

He just keeps sending me mixed signals. I have come to accept the fact that I still love him, for whatever god awful reason, I do. I can live with that. But what’s so torturous is how he keeps swinging me around with all his emotions. You know, one second he’ll do something that makes me believe, oh maybe he still has some feelings for me, and then he’ll turn right around and do something that convinces me I mean crap to him. Is he just scared of commitment?? Am I just his “backup girl”?? Is he just using me?? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me and is just denying it to himself?? I don’t know what to believe or think. I’m scared to ask him what he feels because I know he’ll just flip out and give me some line about “not pressuring him” and about how he “needs more time” and crap like that. I oftentimes wonder how he would react if I just cut him out of my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on inside his brain. I just wish he wouldn’t make my life so difficult sometimes. Maybe I’m the one who’s making my life difficult by continuing to have him in my life. But you don’t just cut someone you had such a deep connection with out of your life. And I know I shouldn’t, but part of me is still holding out hope that he may ask me out again. Like I’ve said before, I thought I was going to marry the guy, it’s hard to give up on that.

Go ahead. Judge me for what you will. I’m a sick, heart broken little girl who doesn’t know how to step away from someone even though they keep hurting her. I’m ashamed of my feelings but it’s simply the truth.

I have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow, and between my fucked up emotions and my fucked up sleep schedule, I know I’m not going to get any sleep. I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know how seeing my ex will go either, since most of my excitement about seeing him is gone now. I don’t know. But I have a pounding headache and I’ll try to go to bed early regardless.

Good night.

I can’t wait to leave.

So today has been interesting.
I went to kohl’s and bought a new bra and pair of underwear. Yippee. That’s not exciting though.

Complications have arisen with my return to Columbus.

Originally, my friend was going to pick me up from the airport and let me stay at her apartment for the night. Then my ex offered both of those services, so I told my friend not to worry. Well today I found out that my ex can no longer house me for the night. So I asked my friend if it was cool if I still stayed the night…well she had already changed her plans. Now I have to coordinate between the two of them when my ex has to leave and my friend needs to be available.

Ugh. I feel like a horrible person for being so flaky and making my friend’s life so much more complicated. I know she’s not gonna hate me or anything, but I hate having to coordinate and plan and that’s what this situation has made me have to do.

I also tried to Skype with my ex tonight (his suggestion) and it was a super fail. The connection kept crapping out on us. Neither of us could hardly get a sentence in before the video feed would cut out and the connection was lost. Ugh.

It has been a slightly frustrating night.

Oh, also, my ex is in the process of quitting smoking right now. He was complaining of the fatigue he felt from it tonight. But he said, if I still smoke, he’ll probably bum cigarettes from me. I don’t know. Interesting tidbit of info I thought. I don’t think he’s really committed to quitting just yet.

I also decided to buy some new exercise clothes from amazon tonight. Let me tell you, I have never felt more guilty about a purchase than I did tonight. It’s just really hard spending my money when I know I’m supposed to be saving for my apartment.

I mean, I can rationalize it by saying that I did kind of need new workout clothes. I don’t own very many right now, and since my new year’s resolution is to go to the gym more, I need something to wear. And I’m one of those girls where, if I don’t have something cute to wear, I just won’t go. So my purchases are justifiable.

And I did budget my purchases to make sure I still had enough money to make the deposit on an apartment. I still feel bad though. My parents are freaking out so much about the cost of an apartment, it makes me feel guilty for not being like that. I’m not worried, but they seem to be, so then I get worried about the fact that I’m not worried. Ugh. So complicated.

But hopefully all the clothes fit and I like them and I won’t have to deal with the hassle of trying to send them back. I generally hate buying clothes on the Internet because you can’t try them on, but the normal stores you buy exercise clothes from just don’t offer what I want.

I also bought a book of like, buddhist children’s stories. I don’t know. I only bought it because I wanted to get the free super saver shipping. We’ll just file it away under the “for the future” category, not that a children’s book wouldn’t have valuable lessons for an adult in it. I do dream about having kids one day and teaching them about Buddhism and stuff. It’s a little fantasy of mine.

Oh well.
That was my day.
Tomorrow is my last day in Augusta thank god. I’m so ready to leave and get back to Columbus. There’s a reason they call my hometown “Disgusta”. So tomorrow will devoted purely to packing and getting ready to leave on Saturday.

Sometimes I feel guilty for 1) not wanting to come home and 2) when I am home, not enjoying my time here. But it is what it is. Like I said, Columbus is home now. I don’t really have any friends left here and I hate living with my parents. We get along much better when we don’t have to share the shame living quarters. I mean, I’ve never really been homesick before. I don’t know if I ever will be. I just like being independent and not having to be accountable to someone all the time. It’s very freeing.

But that’s my post for the night. I don’t have much else to say, other than Saturday can’t come fast enough.
Nighty night.

A Wet Phone and a Facebook Chat

So I managed to drop my phone in the toilet today, which means I’m posting this blog from my computer, something I haven’t done in ages.

But yeah, if you’re wondering, I stuck my phone in my back pocket and forgot that I put it there, so when I went to use the bathroom, it just completely fell out and into the toilet. God I was so mad at myself. I knew this day would come. With as many close calls and drops that phone’s endured, I knew I was just biding my time.

So now it’s currently sitting in a Tupperware container full of rice. I’m hoping I might be able to get it back to almost the same as before. I mean, it still worked after I got it out of the toilet, it was just really glitchy. It kept trying to turn off and when I did turn it off, it kept turning itself on. The texting and internet still work, because I used them afterwards, but I’m pretty sure the external speakers/sound are completely shot.

Oh well, I asked for a new phone for Christmas anyways…

But yeah. I guess today has been pretty interesting-ish. I went to the dentist, then went to the Hallmark store with my mom. Our original intention was to have a day of shopping, but after leaving the Hallmark store, we were both hungry so we decided to grab dinner instead.

I also facebook chatted with my ex tonight. It was nice that he thought to hit me up but it was really frustrating because he kept going offline. It was/is kind of pissing me off. Like, if you’re going to go offline or take forever to respond, tell me first, give me a heads up, something, so I’m not just sitting there waiting all stupid-like.

Apparently he was so patchy because he was cleaning his room. I was hoping that meant we were gonna skype tonight, but that doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. Ugh.

I guess this is what I get. Even though we are still pretty good friends and stuff, I’m pretty sure I don’t rank very high on his priority list anymore. Oh well, not much I can do about it except get on with my own life.

But yeah, that’s been my day. Not super exciting I guess, but more exciting than what I’ve been doing the rest of the week I suppose.

I noticed today when I was stretching, that I think I have made improvements on my forward bends. I’m not sure if it’s because of the foam roller (actually I highly doubt it because this is only day 2 of using it) or if it’s because I’ve improved my form (more likely) but it did make me feel good about myself.

Okay, hold on, I’m pissed off now. I sent my ex a thing while he was offline, like “hey, wanna skype if you get this??” blah blah blah, and I saw he came back online so I messaged him again, and then he went offline again!! Ugh!! I know I shouldn’t be getting mad about this, but come on!! I don’t care who you are, you don’t just leave a conversation with no formal goodbye!! It would be one thing if he was like “hey, I’m busy, sorry, no” or something like that or if he had been like “hey, I’ve got to go now, good night” but nope!! Nothing!! Ugh.

I shouldn’t be getting mad, but I just can’t help it.
I know I said for the most part I’m happy with where things are with us, but he still pulls my heart-strings sometimes. He can still get me riled up in an instant.

And the SOB is online again. -_-

God, doesn’t the digital age just make relationships so much more difficult and complicated??

And he’s offline again. I’m gonna chalk it up to his computer doing something weird and just try to ignore it.

Anyways, social networking and digital media really do make relationships so much more complicated. Suddenly, you have all these new politeness protocols about how to act with people online and everyone can know your business. It’s a little creepy and a little frustrating. I mean, things that used to be and stay secrets, are no longer secrets. You now have this whole complicated thing of defining relationships “online”.

I really think there was much less to worry about before the advent of all this social networking stuff. I mean, at least relationship wise. I mean, people still cheated on each other, relationships still began and ended, but it was never so public. And that element, the public element, is what I think makes things so complicated now.

Ugh, I can’t tell you how many times with my ex, both during our relationship and afterwards, that I wished social networking just didn’t exist. Facebook made me so much more paranoid when I was in a relationship with him, and it made me so much more angry and jealous after we broke up. I feel pretty confident when I say that our break up probably would have been a lot easier for me if it had happened in a world without facebook or social networking in general.

Alright.
I guess that’s my rant for tonight. Blah life.
I’ll feel less frustrated and charged up in the morning after a good sleep. I don’t have any appointments to go to tomorrow so I don’t have to feel rushed or anything in the morning. I might go Christmas present shopping tomorrow though. I keep forgetting that Christmas is only 5 days away!! God, it feels like it should be another month. Time already moves so fast, and I’m only 19!! How fast will it move when I’m 30?? or 40?? or 50??

That’s a doozy of a question now.
Nighty night y’all.

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