This is not how I wanted to spend my last night at home.

I’m so upset with my ex tonight.
He said he was going to pick me up from the airport, take me to lunch, and we’d have some time to spend together. But that all got ruined tonight.

I texted him to double check on times, because he has to go visit family tomorrow, and he said his mom wanted him home at 1. Well that’s kind of a problem seeing as how my flight doesn’t land until 1:15. So he said he would be able to pick me up, but he would have to drop me off. That’s also a problem, because I have nowhere to be dropped off to. My friend who I’m supposed to spend the night with, isn’t planning on coming until later in the day because I was supposed to be spending that time with my ex.

Only after bitching at him did I get him to stick to the original going out to lunch plan. I don’t know how much time we’ll have because he had to haggle with his mom and I never heard back from him.

I’m just so frustrated. There are not enough curse words or exclamation points in this world to adequately convey how incredibly irritated and hurt I am.

I know it was an honest mistake. He got my flight times mixed up in his head. I’m just mad about how he handled the whole situation. On Wednesday, he told me he missed me. On Thursday, he was practically begging me to come back a day early. And today, he’s ready to drop me like a hot potato just because of a time conflict. What is that??

I know it was a conflict with family, and family comes first, and I’m not his girlfriend anymore so I don’t get priority. But really?? It feels like every time I put a little responsibility on him, I’m met with disappointment.

And the way he text-talked to me really bothered me too. When I got upset, he never even bothered to apologize for his mistake, he just got all defensive and told me to calm down, that he was doing me a favor. As if!! Ever since he came up with this idea to see me when I got back in town, it’s caused nothing but headaches. My friend has had to change her schedule several times to meet his ever changing plans. I’m completely helpless in this situation which is the most frustrating part. And he’s doing me a favor?!?

I mean, this whole situation has catapulted me right back into that mopey mood, it almost feels like I’m going through the break up all over again. This situation takes me right back to all the fights we had, the way he always turns things around on me, how he manages to make me feel like it’s my fault.

I was actually really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hanging out. Actually, I was almost giddy from the excitement, and now I have to see him and pretend like I didn’t spend all of tonight crying and being upset. I know I shouldn’t be crying, I shouldn’t be upset, he’s still going to take me out to lunch and everything, but it’s just a surge of old memories coming back that are powering the tears. I have to see him tomorrow and I can’t even tell him how much he’s upset me. I can’t explain to him why this whole situation makes me mad. He’d tell me to chill out and somehow make me feel guilty. This whole situation just shows how, even though we have a ton in common, there is still a giant gap of misunderstanding between my ex and me.

It sucks too because I always feel like I’m fighting for his time. Part of the reason I was so looking forward to seeing him, was because this would be one of the few times where we didn’t have to feel rushed. It feels like most of times that we hang out, he’s on some time crunch and only has an hour or two to spare. And that gets really frustrating for me. I mean, there have been some noticeable examples where that hasn’t happened, but more often than not, he’s squeezing me in during the few spare hours he has in a day. I don’t know whether I should interpret that to mean I’m important to him because he manages to “fit me in” his busy schedule or whether that shows I’m not important to him because he doesn’t make enough time in his schedule.

He just keeps sending me mixed signals. I have come to accept the fact that I still love him, for whatever god awful reason, I do. I can live with that. But what’s so torturous is how he keeps swinging me around with all his emotions. You know, one second he’ll do something that makes me believe, oh maybe he still has some feelings for me, and then he’ll turn right around and do something that convinces me I mean crap to him. Is he just scared of commitment?? Am I just his “backup girl”?? Is he just using me?? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me and is just denying it to himself?? I don’t know what to believe or think. I’m scared to ask him what he feels because I know he’ll just flip out and give me some line about “not pressuring him” and about how he “needs more time” and crap like that. I oftentimes wonder how he would react if I just cut him out of my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on inside his brain. I just wish he wouldn’t make my life so difficult sometimes. Maybe I’m the one who’s making my life difficult by continuing to have him in my life. But you don’t just cut someone you had such a deep connection with out of your life. And I know I shouldn’t, but part of me is still holding out hope that he may ask me out again. Like I’ve said before, I thought I was going to marry the guy, it’s hard to give up on that.

Go ahead. Judge me for what you will. I’m a sick, heart broken little girl who doesn’t know how to step away from someone even though they keep hurting her. I’m ashamed of my feelings but it’s simply the truth.

I have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow, and between my fucked up emotions and my fucked up sleep schedule, I know I’m not going to get any sleep. I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know how seeing my ex will go either, since most of my excitement about seeing him is gone now. I don’t know. But I have a pounding headache and I’ll try to go to bed early regardless.

Good night.

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I miss you.

There’s too many people at Mirror Lake right now. It makes me uncomfortable.

I called my parents tonight as per our usual ritual, but it just left me feeling annoyed with them.
I told them about the fabulous time I had with my ex on Friday, and the first thing they said, “That’s good. As long as y’all stay only friends.” They didn’t say anything about how they’re so glad me and my ex are getting along or that it’s good we’re still staying friends. Nope. Just an unambiguous warning that we should never date again.

I just feel frustrated. I have all these emotions going on inside and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about them without people telling me what I “should” do or what I’m “really” feeling. Like I don’t know my own emotions. Like people don’t trust me to make my own decisions.

I don’t know. It just makes me want to cry. It makes me feel like, even if me and my ex did eventually wind up getting back together, no one would support us or approve of him. It feels like we’ve been damned.

I understand my parents only do it out of love. They don’t want to see their daughter get hurt so badly again. But I just wish I felt like people respected my own decisions more. Logically speaking, me and my ex getting back together is a bad idea. Statistically it would probably only end in heartbreak. But I can make my own decisions! So what if I decide to ignore logic and follow the heart instead?? I’m allowed to make my own decisions, however stupid they may be. And this is all extremely hypothetical anyways.

It just upsets me so much because I feel like no one sees the good in my ex that I do. No one can see the beautiful person he is underneath his often assholish and selfish behavior.

I don’t know what I’m doing right now. I still wish I could make myself stop loving him. It would be easier for all parties involved. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon, so I have to live with these emotions whether I like them or not.

It’s just so hard. I feel like I’m going through the break up all over again. But this time it feels like I have no one to confide in. It sucks because my ex is really the only person I feel comfortable crying in front. But even though he’d probably be willing to talk about it, I don’t want to talk about it with him. Not at all. Partly because I’m afraid I would scare him away. Partly because I’m ashamed I’m still having such difficulty getting over this.

It’s a rather unfortunate situation I’ve gotten myself stuck in.

I feel like I will never be able to love another man as much as I loved him. And I know that’s only my live-in-the-moment teenager brain talking, but that doesn’t erase the feeling. You know, in love stories it’s romantic when someone never “gets over” their one and only love, even when that love is not reciprocated. But in real life, it’s just pathetic.

I’m tired of feeling pathetic.

But is it so pathetic to wish things were just back the way they were?? Not exactly the same, because there were things in our relationship that definitely needed improvement and changing, but just back to being “us”, back to being with him. I utterly and desperately miss him. I miss feeling important to him. I miss talking to him everyday. I miss cuddling. I miss being loved by him. I miss absolutely everything about him.

I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m not still in love with him. Maybe I’m just unhealthily obsessing about him. But can someone please explain the difference to me?? Love, at least in the first stages, is an obsession. And once it moves past the obsession, it becomes a partnership. And I miss my partner.

I guess the worst part is, I don’t know if any of these feelings are actually even reciprocated by my ex. I know he’s still physically attracted to me, that’s pretty obvious. But I don’t know if any of the emotional attraction is still there. I don’t know how often he thinks of me or whether it makes him as happy as it makes me, to see each other. I don’t know how much of everything he does or tells me is a put on, or the truth. I don’t know of he misses “us” or misses me or if he ever even really loved me in the first place.

And I guess that’s the worst part, not knowing.

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