A Long Update

I’ve finally got some time and I’m bored so I figured I’d update y’all about my life. I’m currently listening to Otep’s new album, Hydra. It’s pretty good so far. I don’t know. In case you’re wondering.

Well, I’d say my life has been pretty eventful since my last update on here, since I got back from Christmas break.

First, my classes.
I’m taking Intro to World Literature, Turkish, an earth sciences class about the planets, sex & gender in the ancient world, and French 101. So far they’ve been pretty good. My world literature class will be interesting I think. It’s immigration focused and the books we will be reading look interesting. We’re even reading a book by Kundera, and I really like him! I’m undecided how I feel about my professor though. I was expecting a professor I had last semester to be teaching this class, but she up and moved to Switzerland or somewhere, so I have someone different. She’s Italian. I mean, so far so good, I just haven’t decided if I really like her yet though. We’ll see.

Turkish is Turkish, same as always. I’m really really behind on French though. I’m doing individualized instruction, so I don’t have a real class. I learn the material on my own and then schedule appointments with instructors. I completely procrastinated the first couple weeks of school and now I’m playing catch up. I think everything will be okay. Everything is online, and at first I really hated it, but after a series of emails between me and the head instructor, I think I’ve finally got everything figured out, and it’s not so bad. I think I may actually learn a decent amount.

I’m not excited about my planets class. I do have a genuine interest in the planets, but I was hoping this class would be all lecture, but it has a ton of class activities and we have to do math. Ugh. I haven’t done math in 3 years, so even though it’s only basic algebra, I’m just kind of out of it.

My sex & gender class has proved interesting so far. It’s a ton of reading but at least the subject material is interesting. We just finished up learning about greek pederasty (male-male relationships) and are now moving on to female homoeroticism. I’m happy that the class is decently literature based, even though it’s for my history requirement. It’s right up my alley.

So yeah. Those are my classes.

I also got my apartment rented. The apartment I was raving about over Christmas break turned out to be kind of crappy in real life. It definitely threw me for a loop. I’d put all my hopes into this one apartment, and I didn’t like it at all. I was allowed to view 3 apartments during my appointment, and luckily for me, my mom convinced to go see 3, even though I didn’t have 3 I was interested in originally. It’s lucky for me because that 3rd apartment I added at the sole urging of my mom, the one I thought would be crappy, is actually the one I wound up renting.

It has its pros and cons. It has a very open feeling floor plan that I really like and it’s decently big for a college apartment, though it is lacking a lot of natural light – something I kind of wanted. It comes with a dishwasher – a luxury in college apartments – but has no laundry and is 3 blocks away from the closest laundromat. It’s close to campus though, something the apartment I originally wanted couldn’t really claim. All in all, I think I’ll be really happy in this apartment. I just can’t wait for it to be August so I can move in!! I’m super excited. Dorm life is wearing me thin.

Hm. I can’t decide if I should get my rant about my ex out of the way right now or fill you in on other notable events right now. Let’s go with my ex.

As you know, he really wanted to see me when I got back from break. He even went so far as to say that he missed me!! And we saw each other, and it went well, but now, now I just feel ready to be done with him. The messages he’s sending me are so mixed and so frustrating, I’m tired of being on his bipolar roller coaster!! There’s this girl in Turkish class who he’s really good friends with. They have the same academic interests. And I’m almost positive he has some sort of feelings for her. They hang out a lot, he looks at her constantly in class and treats her the way he used to treat me when we were dating. And his body language seems to indicate that he has feelings as well. When he sits next to her, he sits super close, a couple times even leaning on her chair. She’s a grad student so she’s several years older than him. I’m not so sure she has any feelings beyond friendship for him though. At least, that’s what I hope.

Anyways. I mean, I guess I could deal with that, but I’m still caught up in his web. The other day he texted me and was like “I really need a friend to talk to right now”. Of course I went to him, but he wanted me to make him feel better and reassure him that all his academic goals aren’t pointless. I find it odd that he went to me for reassurance. But in class, he treats me like shit. One day, he was in a bad mood and didn’t give me a hug before he left (something we’ve been doing since we broke up). It didn’t help I was kind of mad about his whole flirting with that other girl, but I texted him about it (albeit a little confrontationally) and he got mad at me! And today, I asked him about his netflix because I’ve been “stealing” it and I couldn’t log in anymore. You know, it’s fine if he doesn’t want me to use it anymore, but what he said and the way he said it really kind of hurt. He said “Well, you’ve probably been blocked” or something like that. I don’t know. There are much better ways of telling someone you don’t want them to use your netflix anymore other than “you got blocked”.

I don’t know. These are only a few recent examples. He’s been kind of treating me like shit from the get go. I’m also just really disappointed in the lifestyle he’s chosen. The amount of drugs and intoxicants he uses is ridiculous!! I can understand alcohol and weed. Those are “normal” college drugs. But on top of those, he does acid and molly and shrooms and vivans and whatever else. And it seems to be almost constant. He seems to always be putting some sort of chemical into his body. He says he does it to have fun and “find enlightenment” but I really think he’s just running away from all his problems. I can’t be around someone like that. I’m not that kind of person.

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Well, I just had to get that out of my system. My ex has been wearing on my nerves for a while now. His presence makes Turkish class much less enjoyable. On to other notable occurrences in my life.

The most depressing comes first.
My cousin died this past friday. I wasn’t really close to him and I haven’t really let myself cry about it any. Being in Columbus really helps to separate myself from the sadness. His death is notable because of how he died. Keep in mind he was only in his early 30s. But he got put in the hospital before Christmas because of a bad case of pneumonia. He actually had 2 different kinds. He was always getting sick, and originally, he was diagnosed with a genetic immune disorder. But as his condition worsened in the hospital, they (re)tested him for HIV. My cousin was bisexual/gay (I’m not sure which) and it came back positive. They couldn’t give him medicine for his HIV until the pneumonia was gone, but with his body compromised, the pneumonia never went away. His lungs got so weak, they had to put him on a ventilator, but he was on the ventilator for so long, that it wound up puncturing both of his lungs. My aunt and uncle made the decision on Friday to take him off the ventilator and he died shortly thereafter.

I could go on a huge rant about peoples’ reaction after he was diagnosed with HIV, but I won’t. Maybe some other day, but not now. I feel sad even recounting his death. I hate death. He was too young. And it’s weird to think that I will never see him at our family gatherings again.

But anyways, before I start bawling, over that same weekend, on Sunday, I got my first speeding ticket. Because of the long weekend, I went home with my friend and I was driving us home on Sunday. My friend is basically legally blind and it’s really hard for her to see at night so I was driving. I was on the highway going 80 in a 65 zone and got caught by a lovely fucking speed trap. $148 ticket. And I can’t pay it until I get paid. I only have $8 in my checking account right now because I had to pay the deposit on my apartment. And I don’t know when I’m getting paid.

It sucks that I got caught. I didn’t really think the amount I was speeding, on the highway at least, was that big of a deal. I mean, I was speeding. I was technically breaking the law and I accept the consequences of my actions, but I’m starting to understand why so many people hate cops. And you want to know what I learned from getting a ticket? I learned the only reason I probably got caught was because I was being a line leader. Apparently it’s bad to be the front or end of the line, which is dumb. Sorry if I don’t want to be stuck in a giant mass of cars on the highway and drive fast to keep that from happening.

So that’s that.
I have resumed meeting with my Buddhist group on campus, and even got my friend to come to one of the meetings. Tonight we read the heart sutra, and it was a nice look at Mahayana Buddhism for me.
My comparative studies group that I’m the treasurer of has also resumed meeting. Last night we had our first meeting. The actual meeting only lasted for about 45 minutes, but the 3 of us who showed up wound up sitting in the library for 4 hours just talking. Mainly about philosophy, but also about school and classes and what not. It was really nice. And at one point, the other people suggested meeting up again, just the 3 of us, to hang out. Wait, what?!? Did I just make new friends?!? I’ll admit, that moment made me kind of happy inside. Plus, the guy who was there….he was kind of attractive. I don’t know. Really his intelligence was more attractive, because holy crap could he rattle off some high level philosophy! He intrigues me…we’ll see if the 3 of us actually hang out again. We’ll see.

All these meetings have been interfering with my gym schedule though. The first week of class, I went to the gym 6 days of the week!! I was really proud of myself. But all these meetings are during my gym time, so I’ve had to miss the fitness classes I normally go too. I’m going to have to rework my schedule so I can fit absolutely everything in. I’m determined to keep up with my new year’s resolution and go to the gym as much as possible!!

But yeah. That’s about it. I actually could talk about more stuff, but I feel bad because I know this is really long blog post, and honestly if any of my readers make it this far, I’ll be impressed. But I just had to get some of that stuff off of my chest and figured I’d just go ahead and give y’all the full update.

I hope all y’all’s lives are going well. I’m going to bed. Good night.

I made it to Columbus amazingly.

Finally my friends have left and everyone is going to bed. I wasn’t so sure I was going to post tonight, because it is so late, but I figured I’d write sometime while I waited on the bathroom.

Today has been an adventure to say the least.

Everything went fine in terms of my flights until I got to Charlotte. I boarded my plane in Charlotte, we drove out to the runway, and apparently an indicator light for the door came on. They couldn’t get it to go off on their own, so they had to drive the plane back to the gate so maintenance could look at it. They made us all get off the plane and wait in the terminal. It turned into about an hour delay.

Let me tell you, I was ready to have a mental breakdown. After all the crap I dealt with to plan this lunch thing with my ex, I was super pissed that this delay was threatening to ruin it. An hour delay plus things like getting my checked baggage once I was in Columbus translated to almost half of the original planned time with my ex, gone.

I cried. I did. I sat in the Charlotte airport and cried. It was a combination of only having 3 hours of sleep, not having eaten since 7:30, and frustration that everything seemed to be going wrong – and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I was seriously distressed.

I mean it worked out anyways. I got to Columbus around 2:30, was on my way with my ex around 2:45-ish. He managed to get his time extended so it didn’t turn out to be the big time crunch like I thought it would be.

So everything worked out. I still wish I could’ve had more time to spend with my ex. I still wish everything had gone originally as planned because that would’ve have been a lot less stress on me. But at least I did get to see him. I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope that maybe the next time we hang out will last a little longer.

I feel like ruminating over him tonight and what he could potentially be feeling. But I won’t. It’s rather pointless because I’ll never arrive at a definite answer, and even if I did, it probably wouldn’t be a satisfactory one. So I’ll continue doing what I did all last semester and just continue to ignore the question of his feelings for me, as much as it does bother me.

But yeah, the rest of today has been good also. After me and my ex ate lunch, he dropped me off at my friend’s place where I’m staying the night. I spent all of tonight hanging out with my friends.

We say around and talked, tried watching a movie and then decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. That was good purely because I worked up the courage to order the dessert nachos, which we all split.

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They were really good. Ice cream and cheesecake bites on top of a tortilla thing drizzled with chocolate and caramel. I’ve wanted to try it every time I’ve gone into that restaurant, and tonight I finally did. That was fun.

And then we came back, played rock band for a couple hours or so and then sat around and goofed off forever.

I’d definitely say today was good day. I must digress and say, a part of me is a little sad I didn’t get to spend more of it with my ex. I think it’s just because I can hang out with my friends really any time I want, but his time is a lot less free, so in some ways, I value it more.

I don’t know. In all honesty, I feel frustrated with the situation between me and my ex. As much as I’m happy and content with it, I find this weird, ambiguous, undefined relationship we’re in to be really frustrating. It all goes back to me not knowing his intentions: is he using me or does he really care?? If I could know his true intentions, it would make this all easier.

But I suppose that’s one of life’s mysteries that will never be solved. I’m just glad today didn’t turn into a total disaster or let down. At least I have that to be thankful for.

Well it’s late now, and I’m still only functioning on about 3 hours of sleep plus like a 40 minute nap, so I’m quite tired too. So good night.

A Beautiful Disaster

Today was just ugh.

First off, my ex skipped Turkish class. I still got to see him today, I’ll get to that later. But it just irritated me. Remember how I said I can’t let myself get disappointed by my expectations?? Yeah, it really threw me off, threw me off my routine.

I mean, today was good on some levels. I went over to my friend’s house and she made me dinner. After some homework, we went on an ice cream run and watched the season finale of Futurama.

But anyways, I saw my ex today first because I needed to give him some stuff from Turkish. So he did get to see my dress and all. His reaction wasn’t quite what I was hoping. He called it fancy, said my hair was funky. But I don’t know. Just not the reaction I was hoping for.

And then I saw him again later. He walked me home from my friend’s house because her apartment is relatively close to his. We went and bought cigarettes and saw the police tackle some dude. Actually, I didn’t see it. I just saw the aftermath. He walked me to my dorm. But I don’t know. I’m just annoyed.

It seems like he never has time for me really. Like even walking me home; I understand he needs to go to sleep – but he sacrifices his sleep for his guy friends, why not me??

It’s just so hard. The connection between us just feels off. I feel like it would be better if we spent more time together, I feel like it would be better if we were still dating. But now that we’re trying to “just be friends”, when we’re in person, things just feel off. I don’t even know how to explain it.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with myself. I don’t know why I’m still bothering with him. If I could snap my fingers and make myself stop loving him, make myself be over him, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It’s just really too inconvenient.

I also feel like he doesn’t want me to hang around his guy friends either, the same ones I used to spend a ton of time with when we were dating. When I visited his apartment last Friday, him and I were the only ones there. He could’ve invited me to his apartment tonight (though he did need to go to sleep) but he didn’t, and I feel like it’s because his guy friends/roommates were there. I wonder if they’re still discouraging any type of relationship between us, like they did after we first broke up. I wonder if he’s “keeping me a secret”.

I don’t know.

On the one hand, I feel like we are so perfect for each other. But on the other hand, I feel like we’re a miserable train wreck. I wonder if that’s my lot in life – to be a train wreck. Maybe for whatever reason, I am destined in this lifetime to never settle down, to never find “the one”. Maybe I’m destined to be a disaster.

Maybe in a past life, I was too attached to relationships. And so in this life, I am being forced to learn how to unattach. I’m having to cleanse the negative karma of unhealthy attachment, love addiction. Maybe in a past life I was plagued with extreme fear of abandonment, and so in this life I am being forced to get over that. It’s sucks, but it’s a thought I really kind of believe.

I don’t even know what to say right now. I don’t feel like talking. I’m just annoyed. My adult brain is telling me I need to go to sleep because I have to wake up so early in the morning. My teenager brain is telling me I’m not tired, I don’t care. It’s telling me to fuck it.

I wish I had the ability to say “fuck it” to this (non)relationship. I wish I could not care. I wish it didn’t affect the entirety of my being every day. I wish I could take things day by day, instead of constantly worrying about the future and overanalyzing the present.

I guess we all have our lots in life to live. And I guess this is mine. Are we really the masters of our own destinies?? Or just puppets of fate?? I don’t know.
And to that question I have one thing to say:

Fuck it.

Random random

Sometimes I hate being a smoker. Like now. The shakes and shivers I get from nicotine withdrawal make me miserable, make it impossible to really do anything. In the morning I start out loving smoking, and by nighttime I hate it. It’s the truth when people tell you it’s a love hate relationship.

I was really exhausted beforehand, but now that I’ve gotten up and moved, I’m not tired anymore.

I did actually see my ex in passing today, as I was leaving Turkish and he was arriving. It’s okay, I looked fabulous enough in my opinion. But I kind of wish I hadn’t seen him because I couldn’t stop thinking about him in my next class.

He tried to Facebook chat with me last night, but I was already asleep. So I kept wondering, what would’ve happened if I hadn’t been asleep?? Maybe we would’ve hung out. At least we would’ve gotten to talk. And then I missed a text from him today because I was working. I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for me to talk to him today. Haha.

But it frustrates me. Any opportunity he creates to talk to me, I try to take, because I don’t know when the next one may come up. I try to tell myself, maybe it’s a good thing I was so hard to reach, maybe it works in my favor, making me seem busy and aloof or something. Guys don’t like girls who are too easy, too eager. But it still bugs me.

I mean, I’ll see him tomorrow but still, if he was trying to contact me it means he was thinking about me. That’s a good thing I guess. Because I want him to think about me.

Don’t I sound like such a desperate little girl right now?? I hate that. But I’m only speaking the truth. These are the honest thoughts that go through my head.

One thing I have to remember though, is to not let my expectations of how I imagine things happening make me disappointed when they don’t happen like that. There’s a quote on pinterest that’s very popular that says something along the lines of “The thing that screws us up most in life is our expectations of how things should be.” And it’s true. It’s a very Buddhist concept. Expectations more often than not lead to disappointment, because life never works out the way you expect it to.

But I’m going to look fabulous tomorrow. My expectation is that my ex will notice and compliment me. I will try my best not to be disappointed if that doesn’t happen.

But I think I’m gonna do it. I think I’m gonna wear my hair up tomorrow. It will be a really different and new look for me, and I think people will notice, my ex included. Plus I’m pretty sure he will like my maxi dress I plan to wear. It’s fairly in line with the Muslim ideal of clothing (did I ever mention my ex is a Muslim convert??)

But anyways…work today was good. I was working the sauté pan and it made me feel like a top chef standing their flipping food into the air and catching it. Plus the people who were working next to me were pretty social, so I had someone to talk to while I was there. Maybe I will eventually make friends at this place. That was one of my intentions with getting a job – to make more friends.

Oh, and tonight I actually talked to my roommate! We talked about classes and the Internet and watched the season finale of Teen Mom together. There’s hope for this relationship too. I know we won’t become best friends, but maybe we’ll eventually reach a place of comfort with each other where we can actually have real conversations.

But that’s about it for my day I suppose. I made the trek to CVS to get a prescription filled. How exciting!! And luckily I didn’t have any problems with the discount card my doctor gave me for the prescription. Hooray for small miracles.

Oh, I was really disappointed with my comparative studies translation class today. I was hoping, with today being the first “real” class, I would find it very fun and engaging. But it wasn’t. I was kind of bored. And my professor says “um” a lot – which irritates me. It makes her appear very timid and shy. Professors shouldn’t be either of those.

We basically discussed 3 different translations of 1001 Arabian Knights and how they were different. Boooooring. I normally like discussions, but today I really didn’t have much to say. Yes, the translations are different and some are better than others. What else do we need to talk about?? I hope this class doesn’t wind up being dull.

I did find out there is a native speaker of Turkish in my class. And I’m like crap, now I’m really intimidated. Because she knows how everything is supposed to be pronounced. She knows the grammar and the syntax. She’ll know if I’m wrong. I no longer have the advantage of speaking a language no one knows. Now someone will know if I mess up.

My confidence with Turkish is something I desperately need to work on. I hate making mistakes, but unfortunately when you’re learning a language, mistakes are inevitable. And that scares the crap out of me. I have no problem writing Turkish, because I have time to think about what I’m saying and which way is correct, but you don’t have that advantage when speaking. And when I try to speak outside of class, my mind goes blank – which just intimidates me more.

Ugh. It is a problem I need to work on.

But that’s all I can think of. I didn’t go down to Mirror Lake today, so I’m already back in my dorm. It started to get too cold outside for someone wearing a skirt like me.

One more thing though. I get to sleep in for an hour or so on Friday, which will be a lovely reprieve from my normal 6:40 am wake up call. Hooray for canceled class! She canceled class for us to use it as a “writing day”, but I’m definitely going to use it as a sleeping day instead. You’ve got to get your priorities straight.

But yeah, I’m done talking now. I don’t feel like going to bed, even though I need the sleep, so maybe I’ll jam out to some classical music instead. Haha.

I miss you.

There’s too many people at Mirror Lake right now. It makes me uncomfortable.

I called my parents tonight as per our usual ritual, but it just left me feeling annoyed with them.
I told them about the fabulous time I had with my ex on Friday, and the first thing they said, “That’s good. As long as y’all stay only friends.” They didn’t say anything about how they’re so glad me and my ex are getting along or that it’s good we’re still staying friends. Nope. Just an unambiguous warning that we should never date again.

I just feel frustrated. I have all these emotions going on inside and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about them without people telling me what I “should” do or what I’m “really” feeling. Like I don’t know my own emotions. Like people don’t trust me to make my own decisions.

I don’t know. It just makes me want to cry. It makes me feel like, even if me and my ex did eventually wind up getting back together, no one would support us or approve of him. It feels like we’ve been damned.

I understand my parents only do it out of love. They don’t want to see their daughter get hurt so badly again. But I just wish I felt like people respected my own decisions more. Logically speaking, me and my ex getting back together is a bad idea. Statistically it would probably only end in heartbreak. But I can make my own decisions! So what if I decide to ignore logic and follow the heart instead?? I’m allowed to make my own decisions, however stupid they may be. And this is all extremely hypothetical anyways.

It just upsets me so much because I feel like no one sees the good in my ex that I do. No one can see the beautiful person he is underneath his often assholish and selfish behavior.

I don’t know what I’m doing right now. I still wish I could make myself stop loving him. It would be easier for all parties involved. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon, so I have to live with these emotions whether I like them or not.

It’s just so hard. I feel like I’m going through the break up all over again. But this time it feels like I have no one to confide in. It sucks because my ex is really the only person I feel comfortable crying in front. But even though he’d probably be willing to talk about it, I don’t want to talk about it with him. Not at all. Partly because I’m afraid I would scare him away. Partly because I’m ashamed I’m still having such difficulty getting over this.

It’s a rather unfortunate situation I’ve gotten myself stuck in.

I feel like I will never be able to love another man as much as I loved him. And I know that’s only my live-in-the-moment teenager brain talking, but that doesn’t erase the feeling. You know, in love stories it’s romantic when someone never “gets over” their one and only love, even when that love is not reciprocated. But in real life, it’s just pathetic.

I’m tired of feeling pathetic.

But is it so pathetic to wish things were just back the way they were?? Not exactly the same, because there were things in our relationship that definitely needed improvement and changing, but just back to being “us”, back to being with him. I utterly and desperately miss him. I miss feeling important to him. I miss talking to him everyday. I miss cuddling. I miss being loved by him. I miss absolutely everything about him.

I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m not still in love with him. Maybe I’m just unhealthily obsessing about him. But can someone please explain the difference to me?? Love, at least in the first stages, is an obsession. And once it moves past the obsession, it becomes a partnership. And I miss my partner.

I guess the worst part is, I don’t know if any of these feelings are actually even reciprocated by my ex. I know he’s still physically attracted to me, that’s pretty obvious. But I don’t know if any of the emotional attraction is still there. I don’t know how often he thinks of me or whether it makes him as happy as it makes me, to see each other. I don’t know how much of everything he does or tells me is a put on, or the truth. I don’t know of he misses “us” or misses me or if he ever even really loved me in the first place.

And I guess that’s the worst part, not knowing.

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