This is not how I wanted to spend my last night at home.

I’m so upset with my ex tonight.
He said he was going to pick me up from the airport, take me to lunch, and we’d have some time to spend together. But that all got ruined tonight.

I texted him to double check on times, because he has to go visit family tomorrow, and he said his mom wanted him home at 1. Well that’s kind of a problem seeing as how my flight doesn’t land until 1:15. So he said he would be able to pick me up, but he would have to drop me off. That’s also a problem, because I have nowhere to be dropped off to. My friend who I’m supposed to spend the night with, isn’t planning on coming until later in the day because I was supposed to be spending that time with my ex.

Only after bitching at him did I get him to stick to the original going out to lunch plan. I don’t know how much time we’ll have because he had to haggle with his mom and I never heard back from him.

I’m just so frustrated. There are not enough curse words or exclamation points in this world to adequately convey how incredibly irritated and hurt I am.

I know it was an honest mistake. He got my flight times mixed up in his head. I’m just mad about how he handled the whole situation. On Wednesday, he told me he missed me. On Thursday, he was practically begging me to come back a day early. And today, he’s ready to drop me like a hot potato just because of a time conflict. What is that??

I know it was a conflict with family, and family comes first, and I’m not his girlfriend anymore so I don’t get priority. But really?? It feels like every time I put a little responsibility on him, I’m met with disappointment.

And the way he text-talked to me really bothered me too. When I got upset, he never even bothered to apologize for his mistake, he just got all defensive and told me to calm down, that he was doing me a favor. As if!! Ever since he came up with this idea to see me when I got back in town, it’s caused nothing but headaches. My friend has had to change her schedule several times to meet his ever changing plans. I’m completely helpless in this situation which is the most frustrating part. And he’s doing me a favor?!?

I mean, this whole situation has catapulted me right back into that mopey mood, it almost feels like I’m going through the break up all over again. This situation takes me right back to all the fights we had, the way he always turns things around on me, how he manages to make me feel like it’s my fault.

I was actually really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hanging out. Actually, I was almost giddy from the excitement, and now I have to see him and pretend like I didn’t spend all of tonight crying and being upset. I know I shouldn’t be crying, I shouldn’t be upset, he’s still going to take me out to lunch and everything, but it’s just a surge of old memories coming back that are powering the tears. I have to see him tomorrow and I can’t even tell him how much he’s upset me. I can’t explain to him why this whole situation makes me mad. He’d tell me to chill out and somehow make me feel guilty. This whole situation just shows how, even though we have a ton in common, there is still a giant gap of misunderstanding between my ex and me.

It sucks too because I always feel like I’m fighting for his time. Part of the reason I was so looking forward to seeing him, was because this would be one of the few times where we didn’t have to feel rushed. It feels like most of times that we hang out, he’s on some time crunch and only has an hour or two to spare. And that gets really frustrating for me. I mean, there have been some noticeable examples where that hasn’t happened, but more often than not, he’s squeezing me in during the few spare hours he has in a day. I don’t know whether I should interpret that to mean I’m important to him because he manages to “fit me in” his busy schedule or whether that shows I’m not important to him because he doesn’t make enough time in his schedule.

He just keeps sending me mixed signals. I have come to accept the fact that I still love him, for whatever god awful reason, I do. I can live with that. But what’s so torturous is how he keeps swinging me around with all his emotions. You know, one second he’ll do something that makes me believe, oh maybe he still has some feelings for me, and then he’ll turn right around and do something that convinces me I mean crap to him. Is he just scared of commitment?? Am I just his “backup girl”?? Is he just using me?? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me and is just denying it to himself?? I don’t know what to believe or think. I’m scared to ask him what he feels because I know he’ll just flip out and give me some line about “not pressuring him” and about how he “needs more time” and crap like that. I oftentimes wonder how he would react if I just cut him out of my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on inside his brain. I just wish he wouldn’t make my life so difficult sometimes. Maybe I’m the one who’s making my life difficult by continuing to have him in my life. But you don’t just cut someone you had such a deep connection with out of your life. And I know I shouldn’t, but part of me is still holding out hope that he may ask me out again. Like I’ve said before, I thought I was going to marry the guy, it’s hard to give up on that.

Go ahead. Judge me for what you will. I’m a sick, heart broken little girl who doesn’t know how to step away from someone even though they keep hurting her. I’m ashamed of my feelings but it’s simply the truth.

I have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow, and between my fucked up emotions and my fucked up sleep schedule, I know I’m not going to get any sleep. I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know how seeing my ex will go either, since most of my excitement about seeing him is gone now. I don’t know. But I have a pounding headache and I’ll try to go to bed early regardless.

Good night.

A Wet Phone and a Facebook Chat

So I managed to drop my phone in the toilet today, which means I’m posting this blog from my computer, something I haven’t done in ages.

But yeah, if you’re wondering, I stuck my phone in my back pocket and forgot that I put it there, so when I went to use the bathroom, it just completely fell out and into the toilet. God I was so mad at myself. I knew this day would come. With as many close calls and drops that phone’s endured, I knew I was just biding my time.

So now it’s currently sitting in a Tupperware container full of rice. I’m hoping I might be able to get it back to almost the same as before. I mean, it still worked after I got it out of the toilet, it was just really glitchy. It kept trying to turn off and when I did turn it off, it kept turning itself on. The texting and internet still work, because I used them afterwards, but I’m pretty sure the external speakers/sound are completely shot.

Oh well, I asked for a new phone for Christmas anyways…

But yeah. I guess today has been pretty interesting-ish. I went to the dentist, then went to the Hallmark store with my mom. Our original intention was to have a day of shopping, but after leaving the Hallmark store, we were both hungry so we decided to grab dinner instead.

I also facebook chatted with my ex tonight. It was nice that he thought to hit me up but it was really frustrating because he kept going offline. It was/is kind of pissing me off. Like, if you’re going to go offline or take forever to respond, tell me first, give me a heads up, something, so I’m not just sitting there waiting all stupid-like.

Apparently he was so patchy because he was cleaning his room. I was hoping that meant we were gonna skype tonight, but that doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. Ugh.

I guess this is what I get. Even though we are still pretty good friends and stuff, I’m pretty sure I don’t rank very high on his priority list anymore. Oh well, not much I can do about it except get on with my own life.

But yeah, that’s been my day. Not super exciting I guess, but more exciting than what I’ve been doing the rest of the week I suppose.

I noticed today when I was stretching, that I think I have made improvements on my forward bends. I’m not sure if it’s because of the foam roller (actually I highly doubt it because this is only day 2 of using it) or if it’s because I’ve improved my form (more likely) but it did make me feel good about myself.

Okay, hold on, I’m pissed off now. I sent my ex a thing while he was offline, like “hey, wanna skype if you get this??” blah blah blah, and I saw he came back online so I messaged him again, and then he went offline again!! Ugh!! I know I shouldn’t be getting mad about this, but come on!! I don’t care who you are, you don’t just leave a conversation with no formal goodbye!! It would be one thing if he was like “hey, I’m busy, sorry, no” or something like that or if he had been like “hey, I’ve got to go now, good night” but nope!! Nothing!! Ugh.

I shouldn’t be getting mad, but I just can’t help it.
I know I said for the most part I’m happy with where things are with us, but he still pulls my heart-strings sometimes. He can still get me riled up in an instant.

And the SOB is online again. -_-

God, doesn’t the digital age just make relationships so much more difficult and complicated??

And he’s offline again. I’m gonna chalk it up to his computer doing something weird and just try to ignore it.

Anyways, social networking and digital media really do make relationships so much more complicated. Suddenly, you have all these new politeness protocols about how to act with people online and everyone can know your business. It’s a little creepy and a little frustrating. I mean, things that used to be and stay secrets, are no longer secrets. You now have this whole complicated thing of defining relationships “online”.

I really think there was much less to worry about before the advent of all this social networking stuff. I mean, at least relationship wise. I mean, people still cheated on each other, relationships still began and ended, but it was never so public. And that element, the public element, is what I think makes things so complicated now.

Ugh, I can’t tell you how many times with my ex, both during our relationship and afterwards, that I wished social networking just didn’t exist. Facebook made me so much more paranoid when I was in a relationship with him, and it made me so much more angry and jealous after we broke up. I feel pretty confident when I say that our break up probably would have been a lot easier for me if it had happened in a world without facebook or social networking in general.

Alright.
I guess that’s my rant for tonight. Blah life.
I’ll feel less frustrated and charged up in the morning after a good sleep. I don’t have any appointments to go to tomorrow so I don’t have to feel rushed or anything in the morning. I might go Christmas present shopping tomorrow though. I keep forgetting that Christmas is only 5 days away!! God, it feels like it should be another month. Time already moves so fast, and I’m only 19!! How fast will it move when I’m 30?? or 40?? or 50??

That’s a doozy of a question now.
Nighty night y’all.

Frustrated with my Flexibility

I just have to vent about how incredibly frustrated I am with my flexibility. I see these yoga poses that I feel like I should be able to do, but when I try to do them, I just can’t. At least, I can’t do them as well as I feel I should.

Most of it boils down to chronically tight hamstrings. And I know those are a result of a weak core. It’s frustrating because without strengthening my core, all the hamstring stretches I do are basically worthless.

Not to mention my progress is just so slow. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t seem any progress, because I have, but it just can’t seem to come fast enough for my impatient mind. I suppose that’s something I must work on as well: patience.

Perhaps things will be easier once the semester starts back up and I can attend fitness classes. Then I can work on my strength and my flexibility. I just wish fitness didn’t have to be so difficult for me. And I wish there wasn’t so much waiting involved.

It’s especially frustrating for me because I look back on the range of flexibility I had when I was doing ballet, and although it did not remotely compare to the flexibility of others in my studio, it was still more than I have now. I’ve lost so much due to basically doing nothing for the past year or so.

I just wish there was some secret formula or routine that could guarantee success, but there’s not. Flexibility is such an individualized thing. What works for one person won’t necessarily work for me. And most of it hasn’t worked so far.

I know the main thing I should focus on right now is strengthening, and the flexibility will come once I’m sufficiently strong. But that’s the hard part. I don’t really mind stretching, but strengthening is a killer. I have done no muscle building exercises since I’ve been home, even though I’ve been stretching every night.

It just becomes so difficult when I get frustrated like this. It makes you just want to quit and give up. I know I won’t, because the desire to succeed overrides the desire to quit, but it still is discouraging.

Really all I can do right now is continue stretching, and when the new semester starts, actually stick to the gym schedule I’ve laid out for myself. I can’t let anything get in the way. I can’t be apathetic towards it the way I was this past semester, skipping class just because I felt like it. I have to go. I know I’ll feel better about it in the long run. I know my body will thank me.

I just wish the new semester was starting now!! Haha. I’m pumped up and ready to go. I suppose I could start exercising at home right now, but I don’t know. I’m just not that kind of person. I have to go to the gym if I want to exercise. I get too distracted at home.

That’s probably a lame excuse, but it is what it is.
Oh well, I’ll just continue stretching like I am and hope that any incremental improvements I make last until the new semester. I do feel I’m making progress on my side split, but those use slightly different muscles than what is used in a front split and forward bends, my 2 weakest areas.

Oh well, I’ll keep trying. I might get discouraged. I will get discouraged. But I’ll keep going, keep doing, and try my best. :)

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