A Long Update

I’ve finally got some time and I’m bored so I figured I’d update y’all about my life. I’m currently listening to Otep’s new album, Hydra. It’s pretty good so far. I don’t know. In case you’re wondering.

Well, I’d say my life has been pretty eventful since my last update on here, since I got back from Christmas break.

First, my classes.
I’m taking Intro to World Literature, Turkish, an earth sciences class about the planets, sex & gender in the ancient world, and French 101. So far they’ve been pretty good. My world literature class will be interesting I think. It’s immigration focused and the books we will be reading look interesting. We’re even reading a book by Kundera, and I really like him! I’m undecided how I feel about my professor though. I was expecting a professor I had last semester to be teaching this class, but she up and moved to Switzerland or somewhere, so I have someone different. She’s Italian. I mean, so far so good, I just haven’t decided if I really like her yet though. We’ll see.

Turkish is Turkish, same as always. I’m really really behind on French though. I’m doing individualized instruction, so I don’t have a real class. I learn the material on my own and then schedule appointments with instructors. I completely procrastinated the first couple weeks of school and now I’m playing catch up. I think everything will be okay. Everything is online, and at first I really hated it, but after a series of emails between me and the head instructor, I think I’ve finally got everything figured out, and it’s not so bad. I think I may actually learn a decent amount.

I’m not excited about my planets class. I do have a genuine interest in the planets, but I was hoping this class would be all lecture, but it has a ton of class activities and we have to do math. Ugh. I haven’t done math in 3 years, so even though it’s only basic algebra, I’m just kind of out of it.

My sex & gender class has proved interesting so far. It’s a ton of reading but at least the subject material is interesting. We just finished up learning about greek pederasty (male-male relationships) and are now moving on to female homoeroticism. I’m happy that the class is decently literature based, even though it’s for my history requirement. It’s right up my alley.

So yeah. Those are my classes.

I also got my apartment rented. The apartment I was raving about over Christmas break turned out to be kind of crappy in real life. It definitely threw me for a loop. I’d put all my hopes into this one apartment, and I didn’t like it at all. I was allowed to view 3 apartments during my appointment, and luckily for me, my mom convinced to go see 3, even though I didn’t have 3 I was interested in originally. It’s lucky for me because that 3rd apartment I added at the sole urging of my mom, the one I thought would be crappy, is actually the one I wound up renting.

It has its pros and cons. It has a very open feeling floor plan that I really like and it’s decently big for a college apartment, though it is lacking a lot of natural light – something I kind of wanted. It comes with a dishwasher – a luxury in college apartments – but has no laundry and is 3 blocks away from the closest laundromat. It’s close to campus though, something the apartment I originally wanted couldn’t really claim. All in all, I think I’ll be really happy in this apartment. I just can’t wait for it to be August so I can move in!! I’m super excited. Dorm life is wearing me thin.

Hm. I can’t decide if I should get my rant about my ex out of the way right now or fill you in on other notable events right now. Let’s go with my ex.

As you know, he really wanted to see me when I got back from break. He even went so far as to say that he missed me!! And we saw each other, and it went well, but now, now I just feel ready to be done with him. The messages he’s sending me are so mixed and so frustrating, I’m tired of being on his bipolar roller coaster!! There’s this girl in Turkish class who he’s really good friends with. They have the same academic interests. And I’m almost positive he has some sort of feelings for her. They hang out a lot, he looks at her constantly in class and treats her the way he used to treat me when we were dating. And his body language seems to indicate that he has feelings as well. When he sits next to her, he sits super close, a couple times even leaning on her chair. She’s a grad student so she’s several years older than him. I’m not so sure she has any feelings beyond friendship for him though. At least, that’s what I hope.

Anyways. I mean, I guess I could deal with that, but I’m still caught up in his web. The other day he texted me and was like “I really need a friend to talk to right now”. Of course I went to him, but he wanted me to make him feel better and reassure him that all his academic goals aren’t pointless. I find it odd that he went to me for reassurance. But in class, he treats me like shit. One day, he was in a bad mood and didn’t give me a hug before he left (something we’ve been doing since we broke up). It didn’t help I was kind of mad about his whole flirting with that other girl, but I texted him about it (albeit a little confrontationally) and he got mad at me! And today, I asked him about his netflix because I’ve been “stealing” it and I couldn’t log in anymore. You know, it’s fine if he doesn’t want me to use it anymore, but what he said and the way he said it really kind of hurt. He said “Well, you’ve probably been blocked” or something like that. I don’t know. There are much better ways of telling someone you don’t want them to use your netflix anymore other than “you got blocked”.

I don’t know. These are only a few recent examples. He’s been kind of treating me like shit from the get go. I’m also just really disappointed in the lifestyle he’s chosen. The amount of drugs and intoxicants he uses is ridiculous!! I can understand alcohol and weed. Those are “normal” college drugs. But on top of those, he does acid and molly and shrooms and vivans and whatever else. And it seems to be almost constant. He seems to always be putting some sort of chemical into his body. He says he does it to have fun and “find enlightenment” but I really think he’s just running away from all his problems. I can’t be around someone like that. I’m not that kind of person.

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Well, I just had to get that out of my system. My ex has been wearing on my nerves for a while now. His presence makes Turkish class much less enjoyable. On to other notable occurrences in my life.

The most depressing comes first.
My cousin died this past friday. I wasn’t really close to him and I haven’t really let myself cry about it any. Being in Columbus really helps to separate myself from the sadness. His death is notable because of how he died. Keep in mind he was only in his early 30s. But he got put in the hospital before Christmas because of a bad case of pneumonia. He actually had 2 different kinds. He was always getting sick, and originally, he was diagnosed with a genetic immune disorder. But as his condition worsened in the hospital, they (re)tested him for HIV. My cousin was bisexual/gay (I’m not sure which) and it came back positive. They couldn’t give him medicine for his HIV until the pneumonia was gone, but with his body compromised, the pneumonia never went away. His lungs got so weak, they had to put him on a ventilator, but he was on the ventilator for so long, that it wound up puncturing both of his lungs. My aunt and uncle made the decision on Friday to take him off the ventilator and he died shortly thereafter.

I could go on a huge rant about peoples’ reaction after he was diagnosed with HIV, but I won’t. Maybe some other day, but not now. I feel sad even recounting his death. I hate death. He was too young. And it’s weird to think that I will never see him at our family gatherings again.

But anyways, before I start bawling, over that same weekend, on Sunday, I got my first speeding ticket. Because of the long weekend, I went home with my friend and I was driving us home on Sunday. My friend is basically legally blind and it’s really hard for her to see at night so I was driving. I was on the highway going 80 in a 65 zone and got caught by a lovely fucking speed trap. $148 ticket. And I can’t pay it until I get paid. I only have $8 in my checking account right now because I had to pay the deposit on my apartment. And I don’t know when I’m getting paid.

It sucks that I got caught. I didn’t really think the amount I was speeding, on the highway at least, was that big of a deal. I mean, I was speeding. I was technically breaking the law and I accept the consequences of my actions, but I’m starting to understand why so many people hate cops. And you want to know what I learned from getting a ticket? I learned the only reason I probably got caught was because I was being a line leader. Apparently it’s bad to be the front or end of the line, which is dumb. Sorry if I don’t want to be stuck in a giant mass of cars on the highway and drive fast to keep that from happening.

So that’s that.
I have resumed meeting with my Buddhist group on campus, and even got my friend to come to one of the meetings. Tonight we read the heart sutra, and it was a nice look at Mahayana Buddhism for me.
My comparative studies group that I’m the treasurer of has also resumed meeting. Last night we had our first meeting. The actual meeting only lasted for about 45 minutes, but the 3 of us who showed up wound up sitting in the library for 4 hours just talking. Mainly about philosophy, but also about school and classes and what not. It was really nice. And at one point, the other people suggested meeting up again, just the 3 of us, to hang out. Wait, what?!? Did I just make new friends?!? I’ll admit, that moment made me kind of happy inside. Plus, the guy who was there….he was kind of attractive. I don’t know. Really his intelligence was more attractive, because holy crap could he rattle off some high level philosophy! He intrigues me…we’ll see if the 3 of us actually hang out again. We’ll see.

All these meetings have been interfering with my gym schedule though. The first week of class, I went to the gym 6 days of the week!! I was really proud of myself. But all these meetings are during my gym time, so I’ve had to miss the fitness classes I normally go too. I’m going to have to rework my schedule so I can fit absolutely everything in. I’m determined to keep up with my new year’s resolution and go to the gym as much as possible!!

But yeah. That’s about it. I actually could talk about more stuff, but I feel bad because I know this is really long blog post, and honestly if any of my readers make it this far, I’ll be impressed. But I just had to get some of that stuff off of my chest and figured I’d just go ahead and give y’all the full update.

I hope all y’all’s lives are going well. I’m going to bed. Good night.

They Need a Whole New Word for Me

I’m late! I’m late! But not really. After having a conversation with one of my friend’s on facebook, she inadvertently inspired me to create an outfit inspired by a pimp. I’ll post it on my fashion blog next week, but I just had to finish the outfit tonight while my creative juices were flowing. I know that’s so random, but my friends are random. What can I say?? She issued me a challenge. I had to take it.

But anyways…..I’m feeling quite satisfied tonight after an all day shopping trip with my mom. I finally managed to get most of my “wardrobe checklist” crossed off. Bout the only thing left on my “list” is a new (p)leather jacket. Other than that, I’m all set!! I can’t wait to go back to Columbus and show off all my new clothes. ;D

So a question occurred to me randomly today.
Is there a word to define someone who is only attracted to someone after they get to know their personality?? A quick googling of the subject didn’t really return any solid results. I want to know, because that’s what I am.

I know sexuality is an awkward topic, but I’m gonna talk about it anyways.
For several years, I identified myself as bisexual but that kind of went by the wayside as I lost basically any desire to ever have a relationship with a woman. I identified as straight for a long time, and I still kind of do now. (I oscillate between whether I should call myself straight or bisexual). I like to think of myself as a straight girl, who is occasionally physically attracted to women.

But, even if I mostly identify with straight, I have a really hard time relating to my girl friends who like to ooh and aah over cute guys. I see all these guys on tv who are supposed to be absolutely amazing sexy handsome whatever, and I’m just not attracted to them. I always chalked it up to my strange taste in men (seriously, you should see my exes) but then I realized it one day after a conversation like this happened:

Friend: Look at him, isn’t he so hot/cute/sexy/etc? (shows me picture)
Me: I guess….sure…??
Friend: How can you not think he’s hot??
Me: I just can’t tell if I don’t know what his personality is like first.

So that. I know it’s common to be attracted to someone’s personality. You can’t have romantic relationships without an attraction to someone’s personality. But as far as I know, it’s not common for personality to be an impediment to finding someone attractive. You know what I mean?? When I’m walking down the street, and a guy that most girls would find attractive passes me, I am ambivalent towards his attractiveness. I don’t find him unattractive, I’m ambivalent. (I think the definition of ambivalent applies in this situation).

But, like I mentioned earlier, I am also occasionally attracted to girls. But this whole ambivalence thing, doesn’t apply with them. I either find you attractive or I don’t. It doesn’t matter what kind of personality you have.

Ugh. I need my own special word to categorize myself.
But does anybody know what I’m talking about?? Does anybody experience a similar thing?? Regardless of the whole bisexuality thing, are there people out there who need the personality to evaluate someone’s attractiveness??

I mean, while googling stuff, I ran across the term pansexuality and the best I found it described was being attracted to someone regardless of their gender or nongender. And, that does fit me. I prefer to call it nondiscrimination, but whatever. If I’m attracted to you I’ll date you regardless of whether you’re male, female, transgendered, no gender (is that possible?), or whatever else genders there might be out there.

Maybe I should just call myself flexible. Haha.

I have another question. What is so revolutionary or taboo about the idea that people can love people outside of proscribed gender roles?? Maybe it seems common sense to me because I naturally swing in whichever way, but what’s the big deal if someone is attracted to their own sex or a different sex or all sexes or whatever?? This is really baffling to me.

I’m a libertarian, so I really don’t understand other peoples’ need to meddle in other peoples’ lives. Like seriously, leave them alone. I love that meme floating around on the internet that says “Don’t agree with gay marriage? Then don’t get one.”

Okay, and I’ll even go so far as to say, I respect peoples’ right to disagree with gay marriage. That’s cool. You’ve got your own ideas. I’ve got mine. But why do people feel the need to force their idea on other people??

You know what I really hate?? The slippery slope argument. But if we let gay people get married, then the polygamists will want to get married!! Gasp!! And why shouldn’t they get married also?? I think they should be able to get married too. I’m very liberal when it comes to who and how many people you have sex with. Isn’t this what this all boils down to?? Sex.

Okay, I’m sorry. I’m confusing myself now. It’s late. Maybe one day when I can make more sense of what I’m writing and I’m not also trying to multitask, I will continue this defense of letting people screw who they want to screw. But seriously, I need to get ready for bed now. Good night.

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