This is not how I wanted to spend my last night at home.

I’m so upset with my ex tonight.
He said he was going to pick me up from the airport, take me to lunch, and we’d have some time to spend together. But that all got ruined tonight.

I texted him to double check on times, because he has to go visit family tomorrow, and he said his mom wanted him home at 1. Well that’s kind of a problem seeing as how my flight doesn’t land until 1:15. So he said he would be able to pick me up, but he would have to drop me off. That’s also a problem, because I have nowhere to be dropped off to. My friend who I’m supposed to spend the night with, isn’t planning on coming until later in the day because I was supposed to be spending that time with my ex.

Only after bitching at him did I get him to stick to the original going out to lunch plan. I don’t know how much time we’ll have because he had to haggle with his mom and I never heard back from him.

I’m just so frustrated. There are not enough curse words or exclamation points in this world to adequately convey how incredibly irritated and hurt I am.

I know it was an honest mistake. He got my flight times mixed up in his head. I’m just mad about how he handled the whole situation. On Wednesday, he told me he missed me. On Thursday, he was practically begging me to come back a day early. And today, he’s ready to drop me like a hot potato just because of a time conflict. What is that??

I know it was a conflict with family, and family comes first, and I’m not his girlfriend anymore so I don’t get priority. But really?? It feels like every time I put a little responsibility on him, I’m met with disappointment.

And the way he text-talked to me really bothered me too. When I got upset, he never even bothered to apologize for his mistake, he just got all defensive and told me to calm down, that he was doing me a favor. As if!! Ever since he came up with this idea to see me when I got back in town, it’s caused nothing but headaches. My friend has had to change her schedule several times to meet his ever changing plans. I’m completely helpless in this situation which is the most frustrating part. And he’s doing me a favor?!?

I mean, this whole situation has catapulted me right back into that mopey mood, it almost feels like I’m going through the break up all over again. This situation takes me right back to all the fights we had, the way he always turns things around on me, how he manages to make me feel like it’s my fault.

I was actually really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hanging out. Actually, I was almost giddy from the excitement, and now I have to see him and pretend like I didn’t spend all of tonight crying and being upset. I know I shouldn’t be crying, I shouldn’t be upset, he’s still going to take me out to lunch and everything, but it’s just a surge of old memories coming back that are powering the tears. I have to see him tomorrow and I can’t even tell him how much he’s upset me. I can’t explain to him why this whole situation makes me mad. He’d tell me to chill out and somehow make me feel guilty. This whole situation just shows how, even though we have a ton in common, there is still a giant gap of misunderstanding between my ex and me.

It sucks too because I always feel like I’m fighting for his time. Part of the reason I was so looking forward to seeing him, was because this would be one of the few times where we didn’t have to feel rushed. It feels like most of times that we hang out, he’s on some time crunch and only has an hour or two to spare. And that gets really frustrating for me. I mean, there have been some noticeable examples where that hasn’t happened, but more often than not, he’s squeezing me in during the few spare hours he has in a day. I don’t know whether I should interpret that to mean I’m important to him because he manages to “fit me in” his busy schedule or whether that shows I’m not important to him because he doesn’t make enough time in his schedule.

He just keeps sending me mixed signals. I have come to accept the fact that I still love him, for whatever god awful reason, I do. I can live with that. But what’s so torturous is how he keeps swinging me around with all his emotions. You know, one second he’ll do something that makes me believe, oh maybe he still has some feelings for me, and then he’ll turn right around and do something that convinces me I mean crap to him. Is he just scared of commitment?? Am I just his “backup girl”?? Is he just using me?? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me and is just denying it to himself?? I don’t know what to believe or think. I’m scared to ask him what he feels because I know he’ll just flip out and give me some line about “not pressuring him” and about how he “needs more time” and crap like that. I oftentimes wonder how he would react if I just cut him out of my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on inside his brain. I just wish he wouldn’t make my life so difficult sometimes. Maybe I’m the one who’s making my life difficult by continuing to have him in my life. But you don’t just cut someone you had such a deep connection with out of your life. And I know I shouldn’t, but part of me is still holding out hope that he may ask me out again. Like I’ve said before, I thought I was going to marry the guy, it’s hard to give up on that.

Go ahead. Judge me for what you will. I’m a sick, heart broken little girl who doesn’t know how to step away from someone even though they keep hurting her. I’m ashamed of my feelings but it’s simply the truth.

I have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow, and between my fucked up emotions and my fucked up sleep schedule, I know I’m not going to get any sleep. I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know how seeing my ex will go either, since most of my excitement about seeing him is gone now. I don’t know. But I have a pounding headache and I’ll try to go to bed early regardless.

Good night.

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First Impressions are rarely wrong.

I don’t even know how to start tonight’s post. I just feel incredibly pissed off at my ex. I haven’t had any contact with him, but still, I’m angry.

Today I saw on Facebook where he commented on one of his ex’s photos. I literally almost had a heart attack because the date on the photo was April 13. It was a picture of his ex laying in his bed with his cat. Let me tell you, I was about to blow a fuse because I thought that meant he had seen her while we were still dating without telling me.

But, after I thought about it for a second, that’s just the date the photo was uploaded. Not when it was taken. We were still dating at that time which meant we were with each other basically 24/7, so he couldn’t have been with her. Minor mental breakdown averted.

Regardless, I’m still upset. He got back from Russia yesterday, and other than a group text he sent before he took off, I haven’t heard from him. Yet he was thinking about his other ex enough to comment on her photo about “how much his cat misses her”. Yeah.

I’m sorry. Maybe I’m overreacting, but what happened to being “best friends”? What happened to him saying “he’s never cared about anybody as much as he cares about me”?? Am I being a drama queen, or is it reasonable to assume I would’ve heard from him by now if he really meant all that stuff??

Ugh. I’m so conflicted because on one hand, I’m happy he hasn’t contacted me because I don’t want to talk to him. But on the other hand, I’m angry that he hasn’t contacted me because part of me still wants to believe he cares as much as he says he does.

God, this is ridiculous.
I think I can pretty well say that I am over him now. I have no desire to have a relationship with him anymore. I don’t feel in love with him anymore. I don’t believe we are soul mates. But I’m still angry.

I’m still angry about how much he hurt me and treated me. And I’m angry with myself for putting up with so much and ignoring that voice in the back of my head that said “he’s no good for you”.

I just keep thinking to myself how I should’ve stuck with my first impression of him. When he walked in on the first day of class, my thought process went a little something like, “oh my god what is this dude’s problem?? Why is he dressed like that?? He looks like a pompous, arrogant jerk. Oh god, he’s sitting next to me. Please don’t talk to me. This guy is so full of himself.”

That was my first impression of him. But I allowed myself to change it, first out of desperation (to get away from another guy) and then later out of actual liking for him. But I find first impressions are rarely wrong, and what do you know?? All those endearing qualities I pegged him with at the first sight of him, came to rear their ugly heads after we broke up. And when I think back on our relationship, they were there all along too. It just took me getting my heart broken to see it.

Of course I should’ve been tipped off to how much of an ass he was when he told me he’d had 15 girlfriends already in his short life, not to mention he had a girlfriend when we met, yet he still flirted with me and spent and inordinate amount of time with me, alone. Ass.

So yeah. I know I sound very bitter right now, and I am, but the trick now is making sure I can move past this point. I don’t want to hate him forever. Regardless of how he treated me, I don’t want to hold a grudge. So when I finally have to see him again for class, it will be a challenge to appear friendly without letting my anger rear it’s ugly head.

I guess I’m most afraid that when I see him again, I’m going to forget all the progress I’ve made and slip back into the pitiful passive still-in-love-with-him ex I was last year after we broke up. It will certainly be a challenge to remain civil towards him without completely hardening my heart towards him. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how I feel on that first day of class. That’s really the only way to know how things will turn out.

But, on a slightly lighter note, I’ll be returning to Columbus in 6 days. I can’t even believe its already so close. This week will be devoted totally to finishing packing and taking care of last minute whatevers. I still have one plant I need to repot, and I need to re-dye my hair. I also need to change purses and repaint my nails. I know, they’re all such trivial things – but they’re important to me.

So I’ll cross my fingers that this year will be a great year, and having class with my ex won’t dampen my spirits too much. Hooray for being a sophomore!!

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