Fate is not benevolent.

So tonight I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It’s a movie my ex tried to get me to watch several times when we were dating, but I kept falling asleep during it. So tonight, I finally watched it.

I probably wouldn’t have watched it if I had known it was going to make me cry so much. It brought back so many memories of my ex. It made me miss everything.

The one thing I took away from that movie was the idea that if 2 people are meant to be together, they will be. These characters, even after having their memories of each other erased, still found each other again.

And so I’m stuck, like many night previously, wondering about the nature of fate and debating its existence.

Fate is such an easy concept to believe in. It essentially removes all responsibility from the human. Suddenly nothing is your fault, it was just fate.

But you only have to read that once to know that’s a stupid idea. So why then, is the idea of fate still so tantalizing??

I guess because it gives one something to trust in when everything else seems to be falling apart. I think we need to distinguish though between the 2 separate ideas of fate, and the belief that “everything will work out in the end”. I think those 2 ideas are often used synonymously or in conjunction with each other.

But that’s not right. That implies that fate is some sort of benevolent factor. Fate is not feeling, fate is neither benevolent nor malevolent. It just is. When fate comes in to play, things don’t always turn out okay in the end.

So I guess when I sit here debating the nature and existence of “fate”, what I’m really debating is the concept of “everything will turn out okay in the end”.

Because for me, the idea of fate the idea of karma, are not that different from one another. I believe in karma, so believing in an emotionless, unfeeling fate isn’t that difficult. Believing that there’s some sort of benevolent undercurrent to sequence of events in one’s life, is.

I don’t know what I’m getting at here. Certainly not an answer. I’m still just as mystified by that question as I’ve ever been.

And I suppose I always will be. Because fate can’t be proven. And I feel like evidence for fate is one of those situations where you have to believe in it first before any evidence ever comes to light.

Does that make sense??

I don’t know. Add your two cents. I’m going to bed.

Remembering 13

Hm. Well I got a couple things on my mind tonight. First off, I watched the primiere of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on TLC because 1.) I wanted to see how they were representing the South and 2.) I’m a bit of a trashy tv show addict. And for the record, I would like to say that those people are not rednecks. Those people are white trash. There’s a clear difference in the South. So for all the Yankees out there, I promise the South has more to offer than people like that. ^_^

Okay anyways, tonight I was looking for introspective writing prompts and I managed to find a long list of some, but reading them just made me feel kind of sad.

The first one I read that really struck a cord was “Where did you hope your life would have been 5 years ago, today?” So let’s pretend I haven’t already had my birthday this year and I’m still 18. Five years ago, I would’ve been 13 and at 13, I didn’t even expect to be alive now.

13 was the age I was right-smack-dab in the middle of my depression. It was my darkest time. It was when I was cutting. At 13, I figured if I hadn’t killed myself by now, I’d either be dead from or at the minimum, addicted to, drugs. That’s not a positive thought to think about at all.

I’m really proud of how far I’ve come since getting help for my depression, and I generally don’t mind talking about that time. But when I think about how despondent and hopeless I was back then, it kind of chills me to the bone. No 13 year-old should have to feel like that.

To this day, I still can’t listen to certain music because the sounds catapult me back to that dark time. My brain has blocked out every memory of my depression. Generally when I try to remember those 3 years of clinical depression, I just see black. That’s how bad it was for me. My brain forced me to forget.

But anyways, reading the rest of the prompts just made me feel, overall, dissatisfied. I can’t remember any of them specifically, but reading them made me realize I have this deep dissatisfaction with my life. As much as I’m happy to celebrate how far I’ve come since my depression, my life is still not where I want it to be.

I know I’ve mentioned in previous posts how the biggest factor preventing me from changing my life for the better is fear. But tonight I also realized part of it is the fear of growing up. I asked myself tonight, why, if I’m so dissatisfied, don’t I just go ahead and change?? And that little voice inside my head chimed in and said “oh I’ll do it after college. I need to have fun first.”

So many of the things I want to accomplish with my life, I associate with being an adult. Things like meditating regularly, being compassionate, Buddhist stuff, in my head sound like things adults do. Slacking off, partying, attachment to things, roller-coaster emotions, these things I associate with being a kid. And while those things aren’t necessarily positive, I’m afraid to let go of them. I’m afraid to let go of being a kid.

I don’t know if maybe it stems from losing 3 years of my life to depression or if it comes from being so introverted my whole life, but I just feel the need to “go crazy” so to say before I have to “grow up”. I’m afraid of getting old and realizing I didn’t properly use my teenage years to the fullest.

I feel like this is probably a natural fear. A lot of people feel the need to “get it out their systems” before they have to go out into the “real world”. But the only problem with getting it out of my system, is that I know I’d be so much happier if I just left it all behind. Yeah, going crazy before you have to become a “real adult” sounds nice on paper, but in reality it’s just an empty substitute for meaning, a last desperate attempt at being a kid. And I know it won’t make me happy.

So why then do I feel so attached to the idea of it??

Is it possible to have it both ways?? Is it possible to hand my life over to those more adult, yet more satisfying things, and still experience my young-adult years to their fullest??

I don’t know.

Honestly I’m not even sure what “radical teenage things” there are that I want to do before I have to “grow up”. I look at my life now, and it’s not too far different from the “perfect grown up” life I imagine. It’s not like becoming more Buddhist (which I associate with becoming more adult) would really radically change my life. I wouldn’t have to give up any habits. Bout the only new habit I’d have to start would be meditating everyday. So what am I so attached to??

I feel like the more I write, the more confused I get. Or maybe I’m just exposing my own mental inconsistencies. I seem to have a lot of those. But since when has fear been a logical emotion??

Why does this have to be so difficult?? Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my brain and act a fool without having to over analyze it first.

Making Changes

I feel like I really need to figure out what I want in my life. I have such vague ideas, and they change constantly. I’ve often liked to blame my noncommittance on being a Gemini (we are the twins after all) but I know that’s a lame excuse.

I was looking for more information about the law of attraction on Oprah’s website and read an article called, Have You Created Your Magic List Yet?. Often, when people try to implement the law of attraction, they will write lists of things or qualities they want to manifest.

But basically in this article it talked about how temporary and shallow things on the list don’t come true. It’s the deep and meaningful “soul wishes” that will manifest. After I read the article, I sat thinking about what I want in my life, and realized I have no earthly clue.

I know the general vague things. I want to be happy. I want to be financially stable. Etc etc. But I don’t know the specifics. I couldn’t tell you want my dream job would be. I couldn’t even tell you what my dream husband would be like. They’re things I’ve never spent much time planning or thinking about (which might be why I keep ending up in these dead-end relationships).

While I realize it is futile to plan out every single aspect of your life (because life never works out exactly how you want it to), I’m starting to realize that it wouldn’t hurt to sit down and come up with some specifics. I feel like I haven’t really taken an active role in living my life up to this point. I feel like I’ve left a lot of my life up to other people, or to the wings of chance.

It scares me though. I will admit it wholeheartedly. The idea of taking charge of my life, the idea that I could have the perfect life I imagine, terrifies me. I’ve always had a fear of change. I’ve always been more content to sit in my safe little box, regardless of how miserable I may actually be in that box. Staying the same is always easier then changing.

But I feel like I really need to sit down and make changes. I’ve lived my whole life always wanting to do something or be something but never accomplishing it because the fear of changing, the fear of hard work, kept me right where I was. It is scary. And it does take work. It takes time. And I have to make a conscious effort to change. But it needs to be done. I can’t keep being who I’ve been.

So I’ve got some lists to make. Even if the law of attraction is a load of BS, making these lists will help me figure out what I want in my life.

This’ll be hard.

The ABCs of an Awesome Life: Part 2

I’m super happy to announce that I found out my housing assignment today, which also means I found out who my roommate will be next year! I have a lot to say about that but that’ll just have to wait until tomorrow, tonight I have to finish my ABCs!! Plus hopefully by tomorrow, I’ll have friended her on Facebook and I’ll know more about her personality.

Anyways, last night I left off on “N” so tonight I plan to finish the rest of the alphabet. The ABCs of an Awesome Life: O-Z!

Open your mind to others’ opinions and ideas.
Practice what you preach.
Question everything.
Remember everyone is human. You don’t know what people are going through.
Smile even when there seems to be nothing to smile about.
Time is valuable, so you should use each minute as wisely as possible.
Underclothes should always be fancy, even if no one sees them.
Voice your discomfort and don’t bend under peer pressure.
Water is essential for life, so drink as much as possible.
Xenophobia is a sin. Embrace everyone.
Yes is always preferable, but don’t be afraid to say no.
Zip your lips and think before you speak.

Well that’s it!! I feel like I kind of lost my momentum from last night, but hopefully this advice is still useful to someone. I hope you don’t think it’s cheesy. I really think you can achieve an awesome life with these ABCs.

The ABCs of an Awesome Life: Part 1

Tonight, all I feel like writing about is my ex. So in order to prevent myself from becoming unessecarily upset, I’m going to use a writing prompt I found today on writingprompts.tumblr.com.

Okay. So here are my ABC’s for an Awesome Life. I don’t know if I’ll finish them all today. I’ll just write until I get stuck.

Always practice compassion.
Believe what experience shows you to be true.
Change what is changeable: yourself.
Delve into subjects you are unfamiliar with.
Eat without remorse, but also practice moderation
Forget those that have made you feel inferior.
Gratefully accept the gift given to you every day: waking up.
Hold onto memories, but not possessions.
Iron our arguments as soon as possible.
Joy is sometimes best found in silence.
Kindness towards others is essential in developing kindness towards yourself.
Love with abandon and without regret.
Make listening a top priority.
Nine lives are given to cats, but you only have one. Make it worthwhile.

And I’m stopping there tonight. I’ll finish up the rest tomorrow. And I seriously might have to do another one of these eventually. I’m coming up with a lot of ideas for each letter. I also might have to expound on some of this advice in future blog posts as well.

But until tomorrow, I hope you find this advice useful and not totally cheesy. It is advice I try to follow, though I struggle with sometimes. I promise it will make your life awesome. :)