This is not how I wanted to spend my last night at home.

I’m so upset with my ex tonight.
He said he was going to pick me up from the airport, take me to lunch, and we’d have some time to spend together. But that all got ruined tonight.

I texted him to double check on times, because he has to go visit family tomorrow, and he said his mom wanted him home at 1. Well that’s kind of a problem seeing as how my flight doesn’t land until 1:15. So he said he would be able to pick me up, but he would have to drop me off. That’s also a problem, because I have nowhere to be dropped off to. My friend who I’m supposed to spend the night with, isn’t planning on coming until later in the day because I was supposed to be spending that time with my ex.

Only after bitching at him did I get him to stick to the original going out to lunch plan. I don’t know how much time we’ll have because he had to haggle with his mom and I never heard back from him.

I’m just so frustrated. There are not enough curse words or exclamation points in this world to adequately convey how incredibly irritated and hurt I am.

I know it was an honest mistake. He got my flight times mixed up in his head. I’m just mad about how he handled the whole situation. On Wednesday, he told me he missed me. On Thursday, he was practically begging me to come back a day early. And today, he’s ready to drop me like a hot potato just because of a time conflict. What is that??

I know it was a conflict with family, and family comes first, and I’m not his girlfriend anymore so I don’t get priority. But really?? It feels like every time I put a little responsibility on him, I’m met with disappointment.

And the way he text-talked to me really bothered me too. When I got upset, he never even bothered to apologize for his mistake, he just got all defensive and told me to calm down, that he was doing me a favor. As if!! Ever since he came up with this idea to see me when I got back in town, it’s caused nothing but headaches. My friend has had to change her schedule several times to meet his ever changing plans. I’m completely helpless in this situation which is the most frustrating part. And he’s doing me a favor?!?

I mean, this whole situation has catapulted me right back into that mopey mood, it almost feels like I’m going through the break up all over again. This situation takes me right back to all the fights we had, the way he always turns things around on me, how he manages to make me feel like it’s my fault.

I was actually really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hanging out. Actually, I was almost giddy from the excitement, and now I have to see him and pretend like I didn’t spend all of tonight crying and being upset. I know I shouldn’t be crying, I shouldn’t be upset, he’s still going to take me out to lunch and everything, but it’s just a surge of old memories coming back that are powering the tears. I have to see him tomorrow and I can’t even tell him how much he’s upset me. I can’t explain to him why this whole situation makes me mad. He’d tell me to chill out and somehow make me feel guilty. This whole situation just shows how, even though we have a ton in common, there is still a giant gap of misunderstanding between my ex and me.

It sucks too because I always feel like I’m fighting for his time. Part of the reason I was so looking forward to seeing him, was because this would be one of the few times where we didn’t have to feel rushed. It feels like most of times that we hang out, he’s on some time crunch and only has an hour or two to spare. And that gets really frustrating for me. I mean, there have been some noticeable examples where that hasn’t happened, but more often than not, he’s squeezing me in during the few spare hours he has in a day. I don’t know whether I should interpret that to mean I’m important to him because he manages to “fit me in” his busy schedule or whether that shows I’m not important to him because he doesn’t make enough time in his schedule.

He just keeps sending me mixed signals. I have come to accept the fact that I still love him, for whatever god awful reason, I do. I can live with that. But what’s so torturous is how he keeps swinging me around with all his emotions. You know, one second he’ll do something that makes me believe, oh maybe he still has some feelings for me, and then he’ll turn right around and do something that convinces me I mean crap to him. Is he just scared of commitment?? Am I just his “backup girl”?? Is he just using me?? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me and is just denying it to himself?? I don’t know what to believe or think. I’m scared to ask him what he feels because I know he’ll just flip out and give me some line about “not pressuring him” and about how he “needs more time” and crap like that. I oftentimes wonder how he would react if I just cut him out of my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on inside his brain. I just wish he wouldn’t make my life so difficult sometimes. Maybe I’m the one who’s making my life difficult by continuing to have him in my life. But you don’t just cut someone you had such a deep connection with out of your life. And I know I shouldn’t, but part of me is still holding out hope that he may ask me out again. Like I’ve said before, I thought I was going to marry the guy, it’s hard to give up on that.

Go ahead. Judge me for what you will. I’m a sick, heart broken little girl who doesn’t know how to step away from someone even though they keep hurting her. I’m ashamed of my feelings but it’s simply the truth.

I have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow, and between my fucked up emotions and my fucked up sleep schedule, I know I’m not going to get any sleep. I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know how seeing my ex will go either, since most of my excitement about seeing him is gone now. I don’t know. But I have a pounding headache and I’ll try to go to bed early regardless.

Good night.

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An Inside Look into a Smoker’s Brain

Well I feel like absolute crap tonight. Last night I started coming down with what I thought was a smoker’s cold. Sometimes when you quit smoking (or in my case, reduce smoking so much you might as well quit) you develop these cold-like symptoms that are a by-product of your body clearing out all the crap in your respiratory system. Well, I thought I was coming down with that last night, but today, I just feel yucky. I’ve got a runny nose and a stopped up head/headache along with a sore throat and nausea from all the drainage I’ve been having.

I wouldn’t be surprised if part of my symptoms are related to a smoker’s cold, but I feel like it’s something else as well. Either I’ve got a touch of a real cold or I’ve just been suddenly hit with a bout of winter allergies. I think it might be allergies because I’ve been sneezing a ton, and I don’t ever recall having a cold that makes me sneeze this much.

Well, because of this lovely whatever I’ve come done with, I’ve been thinking a lot about my smoking and whether I should put quitting down as one of my new year’s resolutions. I don’t know. I feel really conflicted about it.

On the one hand, I’ve been getting really pumped about going back to Columbus so I can start going to the gym and getting in shape. I really want to be healthy this upcoming year. And I know getting healthy would be a whole lot easier if I quit smoking. But the addict in me is throwing up a major protest. It’s not so much the physical withdrawal symptoms I’m worried about, those are easy to beat. I’ve done it before. It’s the psychological addiction that’s so hard for me to beat.

If you’re not a smoker, it’s probably a little difficult for you to comprehend the strength of this addiction. Why can’t you just quit?? Why is it so hard psychologically to quit?? Those are silly nonsmoker questions. To a nonsmoker, the problem seems easy, just quit. It’s the best decision with the best outcome. But it just doesn’t work like that.

I don’t know. Part of it is because I haven’t hit “rock bottom” yet. That may sound a little confusing in regards to smoking. Smoking generally won’t destroy your life the way a “serious” drug addiction will. But I’ve found, in my own experience and watching others, whenever someone is abusing a substance or is addicted to something, they will never have the proper motivation to quit until they hit “rock bottom,” that is when the hate of the addiction finally overcomes the love.

I’m pretty sure any addict will tell you their addiction is a love/hate relationship. And it really is; it is for me as well. I mean, I love smoking. I love the taste of tobacco, I love the way it makes me feel, I even love the smell. But I also hate it too. I hate the way I can’t sit through a movie without needing a cigarette, I hate having to go out in the cold and rain to smoke, I hate how it makes me out of breath. But right now, I haven’t hit my rock bottom. I still love smoking more than I hate it. The things that I hate about smoking are still seen in my brain as more minor inconveniences than reasons to quit. It’s definitely a battle.

So I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll tell you right now, the smoking will probably win. Even if I just try to ignore the problem and the ultimate decision, I’ve still made a decision. And that’s probably what will happen. I want to be healthy but I want to smoke more. I’m an addict with an addictive personality. If I give up smoking, I’ll probably just fill the void with something else.

I did consider the option of trying to cut back, since I know I don’t really want to quit completely. But the problem is, I already feel like I don’t smoke that much. This past semester, I think I smoked 5-6 cigarettes a day, maybe 7 if I was super stressed. I look at that compared to the “stereotypical smoker” who smokes a half a pack or more a day, and I think I’m doing okay. I realize this is probably just a way to rationalize my addiction with myself, but I still think the thought has merit.

And you know, I did read some studies that said exercise can mitigate some of the risks smoking creates, even if it doesn’t completely negate smoking’s harmful effects.

Can I go off on a tangent here for a second and risk sounding really stupid??
I wonder about the supposed risks of smoking. I’m not an idiot, I know smoking’s bad for you. But I oftentimes wonder if the dangers are hyped up a lot?? I mean, tobacco has been used for thousands of years. That doesn’t mean it’s good for you, but still. I’ve read some opinion pieces that show smoking may not be quite as bad as “they” say it is.

I looked at one study that supposedly showed how smoking negatively effected a person’s ability to exercise. They had the people in the study smoke 3 cigarettes an hour for 5 hours before making them do some cardio!! And then said that smoking negatively affected exercises ability. Well, duh. You nonsmokers out there realize that they made these participants smoke 15 cigarettes, 3/4 of a pack, in less than a normal work’s day. That’s not really “stereotypical” smoking nor is it a good indication of how light to moderate smoking impacts exercise. In a period of 5 hours, I smoke 1-2 cigarettes, and that’s a big difference from 15.

I don’t know if you’re seeing my argument here. Just that maybe everything we’ve been reading is hyped up or based on experiments like the one I mentioned above that only account for extremely heavy smoking. I’ve found when I’ve looked into the subject, not many studies have been done on light to moderate smokers like me.

Don’t get me wrong. I know smoking is still bad for you. But it makes you wonder you know?? You can’t always believe everything you read.

Call me crazy. Call me stupid. Call me an addict. Call me whatever. That’s just what I think. Maybe it’s just rationalization or maybe there’s a kernel of truth there. If you’re curious and want to read a slightly more informed essay on the topic, this guy’s website has a really good essay. I don’t know, google it sometime.

But that’s my rant/thinking out loud for tonight. I’ll probably have a cup of hot tea before I go to bed to try and soothe my throat a little bit. Ugh and I have to get up early tomorrow to go to church and play my oboe in the orchestra. Ugh.

Sorry if you we’re expecting a synopsis of my family gathering today. There wasn’t much to report and I found this subject to be more interesting.

Good night my lovely readers.

Go with the flow

So I don’t know how much I’ve talked about my past history of dance on here. I’ve got a whole blog about it, I just don’t really update it anymore seeing as how I don’t dance anymore.

Anyways, a little background. I started ballet when I was about 13/14 years old, when I started high school basically. I fell in love with ballet. My senior year of high school, I went through a mini-crisis because I loved ballet so much, I wanted to make it my career. But because of the age when I started, I didn’t have the necessary training to make that feasible.

So ultimately, I decided to go to college. I took a modern dance class autumn quarter of my freshman year, but I haven’t danced since.

So that ship has sailed, but I still have the desire to dance, or to pursue something similar.

Actually, I watched the documentary First Position recently, which came out in 2011, and I realized, I don’t really have the desire to be a professional ballerina anymore. Yes, I still love ballet and enjoy watching it. Yes, I wish I could dance as well as the professionals do. Yes, I wish I would’ve started ballet earlier in life so that that dream might have been reality. But, like I said, that ship has sailed now.

But I still want to do something.

Well, I have decided only recently (really after watching that documentary), that I want that something to be yoga.

I did take some yoga classes when I was dancing, and I’ve recently resumed yoga classes as well. And I think my love for ballet has been transferred on to yoga.

See, I don’t think my love and desire to excel at ballet truly comes from a love for ballet. I think it stems from the fact that I’ve never been good at physical things. I’ve always wanted to excel at something that involves my body, purely because it is so challenging for me to do so. I am not athletically gifted, and ballet was the first physical outlet where I really felt it was possible to be good.

But I think yoga is a better option for me at this point in my life rather than dance. There’s several reasons:
1.) There are no age limits with yoga. Unfortunately, the level and amount of training I wanted with ballet is not readily available for people my age. At my old studio, I was routinely taking class with middle schoolers. While I don’t have a problem with that, yoga is still offered much more frequently at much more advanced levels for adults than ballet ever is.
2.) Yoga is cheaper (kind of). Okay, in reality, yoga is not cheaper than dance. But because I’m a college student at OSU, I can take yoga classes for free at our gym fairly regularly. If I wanted to take the same amount of classes in dance, I would have to go to an outside studio which would cost a ton of money I don’t have. Yes, if I do eventually decide to further my yoga practice, I’ll have to go to an expensive outside studio, but that won’t be for a couple of year probably.
3.) I really identify with the spiritual aspect of yoga as well, being that I’m a Buddhist and all. It resonates a lot more with me than it did back in high school.

But yeah. Those are the main reasons why I really want to devote myself to yoga. There are others, but I just can’t think of them right now. Haha. Yoga just seems like a perfect solution to all of my desires. Not to mention, I sort of have an obsession with flexibility and yoga also offers a way to better my flexibility.

So I’m super excited now. I’ve made my schedule for next semester which includes yoga 3 days a week plus 1 Pilates class. I wish I could take more, but those are the only ones that fit with my work and school schedule. But I think 3 days a week is enough. That’s a big jump compared with the 1 day a week I took this semester.

But I’m excited and committed. I know I can become great at yoga if I really devote myself to it. And I know it will really have a positive impact on my life. Not only will I get more in shape, it will also improve my mental state. I like to look at yoga as a form of Buddhist meditation. It’s very relaxing and really helps me focus. And at the end of the class, when we lay down and relax, I sometimes even like to say Buddhist chants in my head.

And it’ll hopefully help me improve my flexibility. I have always struggled to be flexible, even when I was dancing it was difficult. Luckily, yoga has about the same emphasis on flexibility that dance does. I am really determined to learn how to do the splits. It’s a goal I’ve had for years now, and I’m going to make it happen.

But yeah, I just had to share this. It’s all I’ve been thinking about for the last couple of hours: as I planned my schedule and spent some time looking at yoga clothes on amazon. Haha.

Hooray for yoga!!

A Beautiful Disaster

Today was just ugh.

First off, my ex skipped Turkish class. I still got to see him today, I’ll get to that later. But it just irritated me. Remember how I said I can’t let myself get disappointed by my expectations?? Yeah, it really threw me off, threw me off my routine.

I mean, today was good on some levels. I went over to my friend’s house and she made me dinner. After some homework, we went on an ice cream run and watched the season finale of Futurama.

But anyways, I saw my ex today first because I needed to give him some stuff from Turkish. So he did get to see my dress and all. His reaction wasn’t quite what I was hoping. He called it fancy, said my hair was funky. But I don’t know. Just not the reaction I was hoping for.

And then I saw him again later. He walked me home from my friend’s house because her apartment is relatively close to his. We went and bought cigarettes and saw the police tackle some dude. Actually, I didn’t see it. I just saw the aftermath. He walked me to my dorm. But I don’t know. I’m just annoyed.

It seems like he never has time for me really. Like even walking me home; I understand he needs to go to sleep – but he sacrifices his sleep for his guy friends, why not me??

It’s just so hard. The connection between us just feels off. I feel like it would be better if we spent more time together, I feel like it would be better if we were still dating. But now that we’re trying to “just be friends”, when we’re in person, things just feel off. I don’t even know how to explain it.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with myself. I don’t know why I’m still bothering with him. If I could snap my fingers and make myself stop loving him, make myself be over him, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It’s just really too inconvenient.

I also feel like he doesn’t want me to hang around his guy friends either, the same ones I used to spend a ton of time with when we were dating. When I visited his apartment last Friday, him and I were the only ones there. He could’ve invited me to his apartment tonight (though he did need to go to sleep) but he didn’t, and I feel like it’s because his guy friends/roommates were there. I wonder if they’re still discouraging any type of relationship between us, like they did after we first broke up. I wonder if he’s “keeping me a secret”.

I don’t know.

On the one hand, I feel like we are so perfect for each other. But on the other hand, I feel like we’re a miserable train wreck. I wonder if that’s my lot in life – to be a train wreck. Maybe for whatever reason, I am destined in this lifetime to never settle down, to never find “the one”. Maybe I’m destined to be a disaster.

Maybe in a past life, I was too attached to relationships. And so in this life, I am being forced to learn how to unattach. I’m having to cleanse the negative karma of unhealthy attachment, love addiction. Maybe in a past life I was plagued with extreme fear of abandonment, and so in this life I am being forced to get over that. It’s sucks, but it’s a thought I really kind of believe.

I don’t even know what to say right now. I don’t feel like talking. I’m just annoyed. My adult brain is telling me I need to go to sleep because I have to wake up so early in the morning. My teenager brain is telling me I’m not tired, I don’t care. It’s telling me to fuck it.

I wish I had the ability to say “fuck it” to this (non)relationship. I wish I could not care. I wish it didn’t affect the entirety of my being every day. I wish I could take things day by day, instead of constantly worrying about the future and overanalyzing the present.

I guess we all have our lots in life to live. And I guess this is mine. Are we really the masters of our own destinies?? Or just puppets of fate?? I don’t know.
And to that question I have one thing to say:

Fuck it.

I miss you.

There’s too many people at Mirror Lake right now. It makes me uncomfortable.

I called my parents tonight as per our usual ritual, but it just left me feeling annoyed with them.
I told them about the fabulous time I had with my ex on Friday, and the first thing they said, “That’s good. As long as y’all stay only friends.” They didn’t say anything about how they’re so glad me and my ex are getting along or that it’s good we’re still staying friends. Nope. Just an unambiguous warning that we should never date again.

I just feel frustrated. I have all these emotions going on inside and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about them without people telling me what I “should” do or what I’m “really” feeling. Like I don’t know my own emotions. Like people don’t trust me to make my own decisions.

I don’t know. It just makes me want to cry. It makes me feel like, even if me and my ex did eventually wind up getting back together, no one would support us or approve of him. It feels like we’ve been damned.

I understand my parents only do it out of love. They don’t want to see their daughter get hurt so badly again. But I just wish I felt like people respected my own decisions more. Logically speaking, me and my ex getting back together is a bad idea. Statistically it would probably only end in heartbreak. But I can make my own decisions! So what if I decide to ignore logic and follow the heart instead?? I’m allowed to make my own decisions, however stupid they may be. And this is all extremely hypothetical anyways.

It just upsets me so much because I feel like no one sees the good in my ex that I do. No one can see the beautiful person he is underneath his often assholish and selfish behavior.

I don’t know what I’m doing right now. I still wish I could make myself stop loving him. It would be easier for all parties involved. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon, so I have to live with these emotions whether I like them or not.

It’s just so hard. I feel like I’m going through the break up all over again. But this time it feels like I have no one to confide in. It sucks because my ex is really the only person I feel comfortable crying in front. But even though he’d probably be willing to talk about it, I don’t want to talk about it with him. Not at all. Partly because I’m afraid I would scare him away. Partly because I’m ashamed I’m still having such difficulty getting over this.

It’s a rather unfortunate situation I’ve gotten myself stuck in.

I feel like I will never be able to love another man as much as I loved him. And I know that’s only my live-in-the-moment teenager brain talking, but that doesn’t erase the feeling. You know, in love stories it’s romantic when someone never “gets over” their one and only love, even when that love is not reciprocated. But in real life, it’s just pathetic.

I’m tired of feeling pathetic.

But is it so pathetic to wish things were just back the way they were?? Not exactly the same, because there were things in our relationship that definitely needed improvement and changing, but just back to being “us”, back to being with him. I utterly and desperately miss him. I miss feeling important to him. I miss talking to him everyday. I miss cuddling. I miss being loved by him. I miss absolutely everything about him.

I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m not still in love with him. Maybe I’m just unhealthily obsessing about him. But can someone please explain the difference to me?? Love, at least in the first stages, is an obsession. And once it moves past the obsession, it becomes a partnership. And I miss my partner.

I guess the worst part is, I don’t know if any of these feelings are actually even reciprocated by my ex. I know he’s still physically attracted to me, that’s pretty obvious. But I don’t know if any of the emotional attraction is still there. I don’t know how often he thinks of me or whether it makes him as happy as it makes me, to see each other. I don’t know how much of everything he does or tells me is a put on, or the truth. I don’t know of he misses “us” or misses me or if he ever even really loved me in the first place.

And I guess that’s the worst part, not knowing.

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