I made it to Columbus amazingly.

Finally my friends have left and everyone is going to bed. I wasn’t so sure I was going to post tonight, because it is so late, but I figured I’d write sometime while I waited on the bathroom.

Today has been an adventure to say the least.

Everything went fine in terms of my flights until I got to Charlotte. I boarded my plane in Charlotte, we drove out to the runway, and apparently an indicator light for the door came on. They couldn’t get it to go off on their own, so they had to drive the plane back to the gate so maintenance could look at it. They made us all get off the plane and wait in the terminal. It turned into about an hour delay.

Let me tell you, I was ready to have a mental breakdown. After all the crap I dealt with to plan this lunch thing with my ex, I was super pissed that this delay was threatening to ruin it. An hour delay plus things like getting my checked baggage once I was in Columbus translated to almost half of the original planned time with my ex, gone.

I cried. I did. I sat in the Charlotte airport and cried. It was a combination of only having 3 hours of sleep, not having eaten since 7:30, and frustration that everything seemed to be going wrong – and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I was seriously distressed.

I mean it worked out anyways. I got to Columbus around 2:30, was on my way with my ex around 2:45-ish. He managed to get his time extended so it didn’t turn out to be the big time crunch like I thought it would be.

So everything worked out. I still wish I could’ve had more time to spend with my ex. I still wish everything had gone originally as planned because that would’ve have been a lot less stress on me. But at least I did get to see him. I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope that maybe the next time we hang out will last a little longer.

I feel like ruminating over him tonight and what he could potentially be feeling. But I won’t. It’s rather pointless because I’ll never arrive at a definite answer, and even if I did, it probably wouldn’t be a satisfactory one. So I’ll continue doing what I did all last semester and just continue to ignore the question of his feelings for me, as much as it does bother me.

But yeah, the rest of today has been good also. After me and my ex ate lunch, he dropped me off at my friend’s place where I’m staying the night. I spent all of tonight hanging out with my friends.

We say around and talked, tried watching a movie and then decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. That was good purely because I worked up the courage to order the dessert nachos, which we all split.

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They were really good. Ice cream and cheesecake bites on top of a tortilla thing drizzled with chocolate and caramel. I’ve wanted to try it every time I’ve gone into that restaurant, and tonight I finally did. That was fun.

And then we came back, played rock band for a couple hours or so and then sat around and goofed off forever.

I’d definitely say today was good day. I must digress and say, a part of me is a little sad I didn’t get to spend more of it with my ex. I think it’s just because I can hang out with my friends really any time I want, but his time is a lot less free, so in some ways, I value it more.

I don’t know. In all honesty, I feel frustrated with the situation between me and my ex. As much as I’m happy and content with it, I find this weird, ambiguous, undefined relationship we’re in to be really frustrating. It all goes back to me not knowing his intentions: is he using me or does he really care?? If I could know his true intentions, it would make this all easier.

But I suppose that’s one of life’s mysteries that will never be solved. I’m just glad today didn’t turn into a total disaster or let down. At least I have that to be thankful for.

Well it’s late now, and I’m still only functioning on about 3 hours of sleep plus like a 40 minute nap, so I’m quite tired too. So good night.

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This is not how I wanted to spend my last night at home.

I’m so upset with my ex tonight.
He said he was going to pick me up from the airport, take me to lunch, and we’d have some time to spend together. But that all got ruined tonight.

I texted him to double check on times, because he has to go visit family tomorrow, and he said his mom wanted him home at 1. Well that’s kind of a problem seeing as how my flight doesn’t land until 1:15. So he said he would be able to pick me up, but he would have to drop me off. That’s also a problem, because I have nowhere to be dropped off to. My friend who I’m supposed to spend the night with, isn’t planning on coming until later in the day because I was supposed to be spending that time with my ex.

Only after bitching at him did I get him to stick to the original going out to lunch plan. I don’t know how much time we’ll have because he had to haggle with his mom and I never heard back from him.

I’m just so frustrated. There are not enough curse words or exclamation points in this world to adequately convey how incredibly irritated and hurt I am.

I know it was an honest mistake. He got my flight times mixed up in his head. I’m just mad about how he handled the whole situation. On Wednesday, he told me he missed me. On Thursday, he was practically begging me to come back a day early. And today, he’s ready to drop me like a hot potato just because of a time conflict. What is that??

I know it was a conflict with family, and family comes first, and I’m not his girlfriend anymore so I don’t get priority. But really?? It feels like every time I put a little responsibility on him, I’m met with disappointment.

And the way he text-talked to me really bothered me too. When I got upset, he never even bothered to apologize for his mistake, he just got all defensive and told me to calm down, that he was doing me a favor. As if!! Ever since he came up with this idea to see me when I got back in town, it’s caused nothing but headaches. My friend has had to change her schedule several times to meet his ever changing plans. I’m completely helpless in this situation which is the most frustrating part. And he’s doing me a favor?!?

I mean, this whole situation has catapulted me right back into that mopey mood, it almost feels like I’m going through the break up all over again. This situation takes me right back to all the fights we had, the way he always turns things around on me, how he manages to make me feel like it’s my fault.

I was actually really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hanging out. Actually, I was almost giddy from the excitement, and now I have to see him and pretend like I didn’t spend all of tonight crying and being upset. I know I shouldn’t be crying, I shouldn’t be upset, he’s still going to take me out to lunch and everything, but it’s just a surge of old memories coming back that are powering the tears. I have to see him tomorrow and I can’t even tell him how much he’s upset me. I can’t explain to him why this whole situation makes me mad. He’d tell me to chill out and somehow make me feel guilty. This whole situation just shows how, even though we have a ton in common, there is still a giant gap of misunderstanding between my ex and me.

It sucks too because I always feel like I’m fighting for his time. Part of the reason I was so looking forward to seeing him, was because this would be one of the few times where we didn’t have to feel rushed. It feels like most of times that we hang out, he’s on some time crunch and only has an hour or two to spare. And that gets really frustrating for me. I mean, there have been some noticeable examples where that hasn’t happened, but more often than not, he’s squeezing me in during the few spare hours he has in a day. I don’t know whether I should interpret that to mean I’m important to him because he manages to “fit me in” his busy schedule or whether that shows I’m not important to him because he doesn’t make enough time in his schedule.

He just keeps sending me mixed signals. I have come to accept the fact that I still love him, for whatever god awful reason, I do. I can live with that. But what’s so torturous is how he keeps swinging me around with all his emotions. You know, one second he’ll do something that makes me believe, oh maybe he still has some feelings for me, and then he’ll turn right around and do something that convinces me I mean crap to him. Is he just scared of commitment?? Am I just his “backup girl”?? Is he just using me?? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me and is just denying it to himself?? I don’t know what to believe or think. I’m scared to ask him what he feels because I know he’ll just flip out and give me some line about “not pressuring him” and about how he “needs more time” and crap like that. I oftentimes wonder how he would react if I just cut him out of my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on inside his brain. I just wish he wouldn’t make my life so difficult sometimes. Maybe I’m the one who’s making my life difficult by continuing to have him in my life. But you don’t just cut someone you had such a deep connection with out of your life. And I know I shouldn’t, but part of me is still holding out hope that he may ask me out again. Like I’ve said before, I thought I was going to marry the guy, it’s hard to give up on that.

Go ahead. Judge me for what you will. I’m a sick, heart broken little girl who doesn’t know how to step away from someone even though they keep hurting her. I’m ashamed of my feelings but it’s simply the truth.

I have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow, and between my fucked up emotions and my fucked up sleep schedule, I know I’m not going to get any sleep. I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know how seeing my ex will go either, since most of my excitement about seeing him is gone now. I don’t know. But I have a pounding headache and I’ll try to go to bed early regardless.

Good night.

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