This is not how I wanted to spend my last night at home.

I’m so upset with my ex tonight.
He said he was going to pick me up from the airport, take me to lunch, and we’d have some time to spend together. But that all got ruined tonight.

I texted him to double check on times, because he has to go visit family tomorrow, and he said his mom wanted him home at 1. Well that’s kind of a problem seeing as how my flight doesn’t land until 1:15. So he said he would be able to pick me up, but he would have to drop me off. That’s also a problem, because I have nowhere to be dropped off to. My friend who I’m supposed to spend the night with, isn’t planning on coming until later in the day because I was supposed to be spending that time with my ex.

Only after bitching at him did I get him to stick to the original going out to lunch plan. I don’t know how much time we’ll have because he had to haggle with his mom and I never heard back from him.

I’m just so frustrated. There are not enough curse words or exclamation points in this world to adequately convey how incredibly irritated and hurt I am.

I know it was an honest mistake. He got my flight times mixed up in his head. I’m just mad about how he handled the whole situation. On Wednesday, he told me he missed me. On Thursday, he was practically begging me to come back a day early. And today, he’s ready to drop me like a hot potato just because of a time conflict. What is that??

I know it was a conflict with family, and family comes first, and I’m not his girlfriend anymore so I don’t get priority. But really?? It feels like every time I put a little responsibility on him, I’m met with disappointment.

And the way he text-talked to me really bothered me too. When I got upset, he never even bothered to apologize for his mistake, he just got all defensive and told me to calm down, that he was doing me a favor. As if!! Ever since he came up with this idea to see me when I got back in town, it’s caused nothing but headaches. My friend has had to change her schedule several times to meet his ever changing plans. I’m completely helpless in this situation which is the most frustrating part. And he’s doing me a favor?!?

I mean, this whole situation has catapulted me right back into that mopey mood, it almost feels like I’m going through the break up all over again. This situation takes me right back to all the fights we had, the way he always turns things around on me, how he manages to make me feel like it’s my fault.

I was actually really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hanging out. Actually, I was almost giddy from the excitement, and now I have to see him and pretend like I didn’t spend all of tonight crying and being upset. I know I shouldn’t be crying, I shouldn’t be upset, he’s still going to take me out to lunch and everything, but it’s just a surge of old memories coming back that are powering the tears. I have to see him tomorrow and I can’t even tell him how much he’s upset me. I can’t explain to him why this whole situation makes me mad. He’d tell me to chill out and somehow make me feel guilty. This whole situation just shows how, even though we have a ton in common, there is still a giant gap of misunderstanding between my ex and me.

It sucks too because I always feel like I’m fighting for his time. Part of the reason I was so looking forward to seeing him, was because this would be one of the few times where we didn’t have to feel rushed. It feels like most of times that we hang out, he’s on some time crunch and only has an hour or two to spare. And that gets really frustrating for me. I mean, there have been some noticeable examples where that hasn’t happened, but more often than not, he’s squeezing me in during the few spare hours he has in a day. I don’t know whether I should interpret that to mean I’m important to him because he manages to “fit me in” his busy schedule or whether that shows I’m not important to him because he doesn’t make enough time in his schedule.

He just keeps sending me mixed signals. I have come to accept the fact that I still love him, for whatever god awful reason, I do. I can live with that. But what’s so torturous is how he keeps swinging me around with all his emotions. You know, one second he’ll do something that makes me believe, oh maybe he still has some feelings for me, and then he’ll turn right around and do something that convinces me I mean crap to him. Is he just scared of commitment?? Am I just his “backup girl”?? Is he just using me?? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me and is just denying it to himself?? I don’t know what to believe or think. I’m scared to ask him what he feels because I know he’ll just flip out and give me some line about “not pressuring him” and about how he “needs more time” and crap like that. I oftentimes wonder how he would react if I just cut him out of my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on inside his brain. I just wish he wouldn’t make my life so difficult sometimes. Maybe I’m the one who’s making my life difficult by continuing to have him in my life. But you don’t just cut someone you had such a deep connection with out of your life. And I know I shouldn’t, but part of me is still holding out hope that he may ask me out again. Like I’ve said before, I thought I was going to marry the guy, it’s hard to give up on that.

Go ahead. Judge me for what you will. I’m a sick, heart broken little girl who doesn’t know how to step away from someone even though they keep hurting her. I’m ashamed of my feelings but it’s simply the truth.

I have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow, and between my fucked up emotions and my fucked up sleep schedule, I know I’m not going to get any sleep. I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know how seeing my ex will go either, since most of my excitement about seeing him is gone now. I don’t know. But I have a pounding headache and I’ll try to go to bed early regardless.

Good night.

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Everything has to match.

Well I want to start out by saying tonight, that I’ve started noticing improvements in my flexibility. I’m almost afraid to believe it because flexibility has always been so hard for me.

I mean, yes, I am getting deeper in my forward bends, but the most exciting progress for me is my standing toe touch (Uttanasana). I know I’ve been emphasizing proper form in all my stretches, but I still use the improper form to measure my progress. Let’s face it, if someone asks you to touch your toes, you’re not gonna use a straight back. You’re going to bend in whichever way helps you touch your toes (aka, bending from the waist).

Well back, I guess a week and a half ago when I first started stretching, with a bent back, at the most, I could get my knuckles to touch the floor. And that was warned up!! On cold muscles, I could barely even touch my toes. Well now, warmed up, I can put my whole palms on the ground!! Doing so is still an intense stretch, but it’s better than I’ve ever been able to do before. I can still pretty much do it on cold muscles too, just not as easily, and I can’t hold it.

But still, even though this is all with improper form, it’s still success!! And I’ve finally started passing 90 degrees in my forward bends with proper form. I’m super happy and now I really can’t wait to get back to Columbus so I can start exercising and getting stronger. I know once that happens, then I’ll see real improvements.

The only thing I’m worried about is keeping up my current stretching schedule. Right now, I stretch for approximately an hour every night. I don’t know when I’ll have time for that during school, especially when I’ll already be spending an hour at the gym.

I mean, it would be one thing if I was working out alone, I would just take an extra hour after my class to stretch, but my friends will probably come with me, and I know they don’t want to hang around for an hour after a class.

What I’ll probably have to do is develop some sort of shortened routine where I can still make stretching improvements, but not spend an hour doing so. You know, maybe only focus on my hamstrings and hip flexors. And maybe not hold the stretches as long as I do at home.

Hm. I’ll figure something out.

But yeah. Now I’m super excited to start going to the gym. I love it when hard work pays off, especially because so many nights I just feel like skipping.
I wonder how much more progress I’ll make before I leave on January 5th?? That’s an exciting thought.

Anyways, today consisted of church and rooting around in the attic for handmedown dishes for my apartment. I’m not super excited about having to use old dishes for my apartment, mainly because they’re all ugly. But we can’t really afford to go out and buy everything new, as much as I wish we could.

I’m just really anal about everything matching, and when you use handmedowns, matching is a nonexistent concept.
I’m not sure where the desire to have all new things comes from, I’ve been like this for a while. I think it stems from being the second child and always being made to go through other peoples’ clothes. And I mean, that stopped as I got older, but the handmedowns still manifested in other ways.

I’ve never had matching furniture, which bothers me. I know furniture is expensive, but in my whole 19 years, not once have I had a matching set. Not even a handmedown matching set, I’ve always had a hodge-podge of furniture.

And with my rooms, even though my mom always matched my bedspread to the walls, my decorations never really matched. I guess that’s mostly my fault though, because I was the one who picked out the decorations. I could’ve picked out matching ones if I really wanted too.

I don’t know. I’m sure I’m making it sound way worse than it actually was. This is just how my mind perceived it. You have to admit though, there’s something to be said for an all-matching room. It just looks so nice and well planned.

Oh well. My mom said this’ll just give me something to save up for. Joy, spending my money on dishes. Oh well. There’s really not much I can do. I guess I’ll never have a truly matching house, until well, I can own my own house and I can alter it as I please. Something to look forward to I guess.

Today in church, I was thinking I might blog tonight about something religious. I had a lot of good topics come to mind, but now, I don’t know, I don’t feel very inspired to write about them. Maybe some other day.

I guess my lack of desire to write about religious things reflects the priority religion currently has in my life. It really should be the #1 thing, but it’s not. That’s on my to-do list though, a new year’s resolution. I’ve got several Buddhist books sitting in my dorm waiting to be read, and I’m going to do my best to read them. A little bit each day. It’ll be good for me.

But that’s all I really have to say for tonight. I’m ready to just lay down and chill out, not that I haven’t been doing that already. I’ve just been lazy this whole break. I suppose there’s nothing really wrong with that, though I really do need to work on my research paper….

Nighty night.

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