I made it to Columbus amazingly.

Finally my friends have left and everyone is going to bed. I wasn’t so sure I was going to post tonight, because it is so late, but I figured I’d write sometime while I waited on the bathroom.

Today has been an adventure to say the least.

Everything went fine in terms of my flights until I got to Charlotte. I boarded my plane in Charlotte, we drove out to the runway, and apparently an indicator light for the door came on. They couldn’t get it to go off on their own, so they had to drive the plane back to the gate so maintenance could look at it. They made us all get off the plane and wait in the terminal. It turned into about an hour delay.

Let me tell you, I was ready to have a mental breakdown. After all the crap I dealt with to plan this lunch thing with my ex, I was super pissed that this delay was threatening to ruin it. An hour delay plus things like getting my checked baggage once I was in Columbus translated to almost half of the original planned time with my ex, gone.

I cried. I did. I sat in the Charlotte airport and cried. It was a combination of only having 3 hours of sleep, not having eaten since 7:30, and frustration that everything seemed to be going wrong – and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I was seriously distressed.

I mean it worked out anyways. I got to Columbus around 2:30, was on my way with my ex around 2:45-ish. He managed to get his time extended so it didn’t turn out to be the big time crunch like I thought it would be.

So everything worked out. I still wish I could’ve had more time to spend with my ex. I still wish everything had gone originally as planned because that would’ve have been a lot less stress on me. But at least I did get to see him. I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope that maybe the next time we hang out will last a little longer.

I feel like ruminating over him tonight and what he could potentially be feeling. But I won’t. It’s rather pointless because I’ll never arrive at a definite answer, and even if I did, it probably wouldn’t be a satisfactory one. So I’ll continue doing what I did all last semester and just continue to ignore the question of his feelings for me, as much as it does bother me.

But yeah, the rest of today has been good also. After me and my ex ate lunch, he dropped me off at my friend’s place where I’m staying the night. I spent all of tonight hanging out with my friends.

We say around and talked, tried watching a movie and then decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. That was good purely because I worked up the courage to order the dessert nachos, which we all split.

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They were really good. Ice cream and cheesecake bites on top of a tortilla thing drizzled with chocolate and caramel. I’ve wanted to try it every time I’ve gone into that restaurant, and tonight I finally did. That was fun.

And then we came back, played rock band for a couple hours or so and then sat around and goofed off forever.

I’d definitely say today was good day. I must digress and say, a part of me is a little sad I didn’t get to spend more of it with my ex. I think it’s just because I can hang out with my friends really any time I want, but his time is a lot less free, so in some ways, I value it more.

I don’t know. In all honesty, I feel frustrated with the situation between me and my ex. As much as I’m happy and content with it, I find this weird, ambiguous, undefined relationship we’re in to be really frustrating. It all goes back to me not knowing his intentions: is he using me or does he really care?? If I could know his true intentions, it would make this all easier.

But I suppose that’s one of life’s mysteries that will never be solved. I’m just glad today didn’t turn into a total disaster or let down. At least I have that to be thankful for.

Well it’s late now, and I’m still only functioning on about 3 hours of sleep plus like a 40 minute nap, so I’m quite tired too. So good night.

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I love Epsom salt baths.

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since September. Sorry about that. A lot has contributed to my absence. Mainly, on top of being super busy, I just haven’t felt like writing.

But the semester is over now. Tonight’s my first night back in Georgia. So I’ll have plenty of free time to post now. Woo! I guess I should get y’all updated then.

So school.
I’ve gotten all my final grades in except for one. All A’s so far. I’m expecting my last grade, fingers crossed, to be a B.

All of my classes were good this year, except for my history class, which is the class I’m praying I make a B in. I have determined that history just isn’t really my thing. Too many dates and too many people.

Plus the final exam for that class was killer. On top of doing multiple choice questions, a map portion, and an identification section, we were expected to write 2 full length essays!! In an hour and 45 minutes no less!! I’m sorry, but if you want me to do all that, AND write 2 awesome essays, I’m gonna need more time. I actually feel pretty good about the exam. It’s only the second essay I’m really worried about. I didn’t have time to plan out my thoughts or evidence, and to be honest, I didn’t really know the answer to the prompt, so there was some major BS-ing going on. I’m just praying for a B. If I get a B in that class, I’ll be happy.

All of my other classes were great though. Turkish was Turkish, so I didn’t have any problems there. My English class was great and I did awesome on my final presentation. I did great on my translation studies paper and entomology was easy. The final wound up not even counting in that class because I had such a good grade.

So yeah, not a bad semester, but I sure am glad it’s over with. I’ve never had a finals week so intense. But next semester, I’ll be taking Turkish again, a class on the planets, intro to world literature, a class on sex and gender in the ancient world, and French 101. I’m excited about next semester. I think all of my classes will be really fun.

I’ve also started preparing to rent my own apartment next year. We’re gonna get all that straightened out while I’m home for christmas. I can’t stand living in the dorms and I’m super excited to live on my own, off campus, next year. No roommate to worry about, I’ll be able to cook my own food, it’ll be great I think. I’ve got several apartments already picked out, but I haven’t looked at any of them yet. The public season for the main ones I’m looking at doesn’t start until January 11th, so I have to wait. Fingers crossed though that I find the perfect apartment without too much difficulty. And that everything works out money wise because we’re planning on paying for my apartment out of pocket.

Me and my mom talked briefly about that tonight. She estimated it’ll cost $1000 a month for me to live off campus, but I think her estimate is too high. That’s all based on my spending this year and hypothetical utility bills. Living in an apartment will cut down on my spending costs because I won’t be eating out so much. And there are ways (I’m prepared to sacrifice) to make utility bills lower.

But yeah. I’m planning on staying in Columbus, basically year round. I want to get an off campus job this summer on top of my on campus job when next school year starts up. I’m going to pay for rent and possibly some other stuff if I can. I’m prepared (well, working on it) and I think everything will work out.

I’m sure those of you (if you do exist) that care about my meager life for some reason, want to know about me and my ex. And I can honestly say, things are good. I feel like our relationship has reached a point of balance and comfortability. You know, I’ve accepted that we’re not together and I’m okay with that. Maybe well get back together one day, maybe we won’t. But things are really good.

I’ve finally reached a place of emotional stability. I’m not constantly swinging back and forth between extremes anymore. Yes, I still do fantasize about us being together, but that fantasizing doesn’t send me into a depression like it used to. I think I can honestly say I’m happy with the current situation. It may not be ideal. Others may think its not right or not healthy or whatever, but I’m pretty content.

I’ve found lowering my standards has helped. Haha. I’ve stopped expecting so much from my ex. Maybe he’s not acting the way I want or imagined originally, but I can’t control him, and that’s okay. He talks to me when he talks to me. When see each other when we see each other. There’s not many expectations or pressure. And he’s still there for me. I mean, he took me to the airport this morning. He’s taking care of my plants over break. Things are good. We’ll see where the future takes us.

So yeah, that’s my update for now. That’s all I can think of that’s major. Perhaps I’ll have something more interesting to post tomorrow. But basically, I just wanted to say, I’m back!!

self-degradation

My sleeping schedule has been so erratic lately, I apologize for the lack of posts.

I must admit however, that I don’t really feel like writing much anymore. Everything I have to talk about is negative, and talking gets me nowhere. I’m tired of talking. I’d rather just sulk in silence.

Tuesday night, almost immediately after writing my last post, I was snuggled up in bed when I got a call from my ex wanting to hang out. I decided what the hell, and we had a great night. I didn’t go to bed until 4 AM that night. We had a lot of fun.

But on Friday, my ex upset me a lot. He decided not to sit next to me in class, which isn’t really a big deal. I can handle that. He had to share his book with another girl in class. That’s not a big deal either. I can handle that as well. What I couldn’t handle, was sitting there watching him flirt with this girl the entire time. I understand he has a flirty personality, he may not have even realized he came off that way. But he did. Sitting there watching him act the way he used to act with me, with another girl, was extremely painful. And it upset me.

And my ex realized I was upset. He asked me what was wrong. But I refused to talk about it with him. Partly because I don’t really have the right to be upset with him, seeing as how we aren’t dating anymore. Partly because I just didn’t want to talk about it with him.

I wonder if I made the right choice. Maybe I should’ve told him what was wrong. Guys are stupid. He probably didn’t figure out that he was the reason I was upset. But still, I probably made the right choice. Talking about it would’ve just opened a painful can of worms that neither of us wants to deal with.

I don’t know how to interpret his actions. It’s been almost a week since he texted me to just see how things were. We had such a great night Tuesday, and now this. I feel like there must be something wrong with me. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe he’s just busy, and forgetful. But then again, maybe he just really doesn’t care all that much about me.

I feel so down on myself, and I don’t know how to stop. I wish I knew clearly how my ex felt about me. That would make things so much easier. Then I could stop analyzing, and get on with my life.

I’m stuck in a hard place, because suddenly I find myself both wanting to and not wanting to be in a relationship with him. One moment I have the attitude of “I don’t care at all about him” and the next, he’s all I can think about. I can’t get him out of my head regardless, and it’s wearing me down.

I guess I just feel kind of drained, physically and emotionally. I haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep since labor day, and I won’t get one for the next 2 weeks. I’ve got a yeast infection and the medicine the doctor gave me makes me feel nauseous and bloated all the time (sorry if that’s TMI). I have the largest amount of schoolwork this semester that I’ve had since I started college. Add all my emotional turmoil on top of those things and I feel like I’m burning the candlestick at both ends.

I just want to feel important to someone. It honestly makes me sad when I’ve been at work all day, and no one has texted me just to see how things are, or to tell me something. It makes me sad when no one chats me or messages me on facebook. I just feel like I’m not that important. And I guess you could come at the angle that if I really wanted people to talk to me that badly, I should just initiate the conversation myself – to have a friend, you have to be friend – but I just want someone to take the initiative for once, show me they care.

I’m tempted to start publicizing this blog to my facebook, in hopes one of my friends will read it and care. But I know that’s just a desperate ploy for attention, and I don’t really want my friends reading this blog anyways. I don’t really want my friends to know what I’m struggling with, or the intimate details of my thoughts.

But is it really a crime to want a little attention??

I try to dress really nicely, but people rarely compliment me. According to my ex, tons of people think I’m amazingly gorgeous, but no one bothers to tell me. On the rare occasion I actually put a picture of myself on the internet, no one bothers to compliment it either.

I’m a fucking attention whore. And I’m disgusted with myself because of it. I don’t even want to tell you all the things I’ve done in my life just to get a little attention. I don’t want to explain to you how manipulative I can be – all for a little attention.

I’m tired now. I have to get up early tomorrow to go to work. Maybe after some sleep, I’ll wake up feeling a little better about myself, feeling a little better about life.

But then again, maybe I won’t.

Letters of Forgotten Optimism

So tonight, I was working on packing some for college when I ran across the letters my ex had written me after we broke up. That was something we’d do when speaking out loud was either too painful or not sufficient.

But they were hard to read, I will admit. My eyes did water up. They were so positive, so hopeful, so optimistic. It’s hard not to want to believe what they said. But I have to remember they were written before we had our biggest fight. They were written when it was still possible to believe in them.

I have to remind myself that all the promises in those letters were never fulfilled. I have to remind myself that if he’d really meant what he wrote, he wouldn’t have treated the way he did (and does). People make mistakes. I understand that. But when a person keeps making the same mistake, when they know they’re hurting another person as a result, it stops being a mistake and starts being purposeful.

The optimist in me wants to believe that we can still be best of friends the way the letters promised. It wants to believe that he really cares as much as the letters say he does. But the realist in me knows it’s a bunch of bullshit. Even if everything written in the letters were absolutely true, I don’t think a friendship could survive the amount of trauma ours has undergone. I don’t know if he can ever be truly forgiven.

Needless to say, the letters are in the recycling bin.
I also deleted the sappy texts he sent me when we were dating. And yesterday I deleted all the photos of us off Facebook. And I finally took off the bracelet he gave me for Christmas. I have to remove him as much as possible from my life.

It may sound silly if you don’t believe in the law of attraction, but I feel like I have to remove as many tokens of our past relationship as possible. Otherwise, the universe or whatever will still believe we are in a relationship. So even when I move on, the universe won’t get the message and won’t send any new love my way. Does that make sense in some sort of new age crazy way??

So I leave for Columbus in 5 days. Today I went to Lowe’s, bought some cactus dirt, and repotted my aloe. That’s one thing I can check off my to-do list. Hopefully my aloe finds its new environment pleasing. After killing my last cactus, I’m paranoid about killing this aloe.

I know, it’s sad. I somehow managed to kill a cactus, yet I have no problem keeping 4 other house plants that require much more maintenance and care. So fingers crossed with this aloe. I hope to keep it for many years to come. It has lovely tangerine flowers I hope to see again next summer.

I also have to take my car to get its however-often checkup tomorrow. I’m not sure why my parents want to do this now, since I won’t be taking it to college. It seems more logical in my opinion to wait until after I’ve left for college. But it’s whatever. I guess I need to remember to clean it out tomorrow before I go.

I really don’t have that much left to do to get ready to leave for college. I’m bringing a lot less stuff than I brought last year, purely because I know what I need and what I will use and what I won’t.

I’m still a little nervous about the whole roommate situation. Please please please god let us get along. Maybe even be friends?? I just want this to be a good year. And I don’t want a bad roommate to dampen the experience.

Fingers crossed.

First Impressions are rarely wrong.

I don’t even know how to start tonight’s post. I just feel incredibly pissed off at my ex. I haven’t had any contact with him, but still, I’m angry.

Today I saw on Facebook where he commented on one of his ex’s photos. I literally almost had a heart attack because the date on the photo was April 13. It was a picture of his ex laying in his bed with his cat. Let me tell you, I was about to blow a fuse because I thought that meant he had seen her while we were still dating without telling me.

But, after I thought about it for a second, that’s just the date the photo was uploaded. Not when it was taken. We were still dating at that time which meant we were with each other basically 24/7, so he couldn’t have been with her. Minor mental breakdown averted.

Regardless, I’m still upset. He got back from Russia yesterday, and other than a group text he sent before he took off, I haven’t heard from him. Yet he was thinking about his other ex enough to comment on her photo about “how much his cat misses her”. Yeah.

I’m sorry. Maybe I’m overreacting, but what happened to being “best friends”? What happened to him saying “he’s never cared about anybody as much as he cares about me”?? Am I being a drama queen, or is it reasonable to assume I would’ve heard from him by now if he really meant all that stuff??

Ugh. I’m so conflicted because on one hand, I’m happy he hasn’t contacted me because I don’t want to talk to him. But on the other hand, I’m angry that he hasn’t contacted me because part of me still wants to believe he cares as much as he says he does.

God, this is ridiculous.
I think I can pretty well say that I am over him now. I have no desire to have a relationship with him anymore. I don’t feel in love with him anymore. I don’t believe we are soul mates. But I’m still angry.

I’m still angry about how much he hurt me and treated me. And I’m angry with myself for putting up with so much and ignoring that voice in the back of my head that said “he’s no good for you”.

I just keep thinking to myself how I should’ve stuck with my first impression of him. When he walked in on the first day of class, my thought process went a little something like, “oh my god what is this dude’s problem?? Why is he dressed like that?? He looks like a pompous, arrogant jerk. Oh god, he’s sitting next to me. Please don’t talk to me. This guy is so full of himself.”

That was my first impression of him. But I allowed myself to change it, first out of desperation (to get away from another guy) and then later out of actual liking for him. But I find first impressions are rarely wrong, and what do you know?? All those endearing qualities I pegged him with at the first sight of him, came to rear their ugly heads after we broke up. And when I think back on our relationship, they were there all along too. It just took me getting my heart broken to see it.

Of course I should’ve been tipped off to how much of an ass he was when he told me he’d had 15 girlfriends already in his short life, not to mention he had a girlfriend when we met, yet he still flirted with me and spent and inordinate amount of time with me, alone. Ass.

So yeah. I know I sound very bitter right now, and I am, but the trick now is making sure I can move past this point. I don’t want to hate him forever. Regardless of how he treated me, I don’t want to hold a grudge. So when I finally have to see him again for class, it will be a challenge to appear friendly without letting my anger rear it’s ugly head.

I guess I’m most afraid that when I see him again, I’m going to forget all the progress I’ve made and slip back into the pitiful passive still-in-love-with-him ex I was last year after we broke up. It will certainly be a challenge to remain civil towards him without completely hardening my heart towards him. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how I feel on that first day of class. That’s really the only way to know how things will turn out.

But, on a slightly lighter note, I’ll be returning to Columbus in 6 days. I can’t even believe its already so close. This week will be devoted totally to finishing packing and taking care of last minute whatevers. I still have one plant I need to repot, and I need to re-dye my hair. I also need to change purses and repaint my nails. I know, they’re all such trivial things – but they’re important to me.

So I’ll cross my fingers that this year will be a great year, and having class with my ex won’t dampen my spirits too much. Hooray for being a sophomore!!

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