I made it to Columbus amazingly.

Finally my friends have left and everyone is going to bed. I wasn’t so sure I was going to post tonight, because it is so late, but I figured I’d write sometime while I waited on the bathroom.

Today has been an adventure to say the least.

Everything went fine in terms of my flights until I got to Charlotte. I boarded my plane in Charlotte, we drove out to the runway, and apparently an indicator light for the door came on. They couldn’t get it to go off on their own, so they had to drive the plane back to the gate so maintenance could look at it. They made us all get off the plane and wait in the terminal. It turned into about an hour delay.

Let me tell you, I was ready to have a mental breakdown. After all the crap I dealt with to plan this lunch thing with my ex, I was super pissed that this delay was threatening to ruin it. An hour delay plus things like getting my checked baggage once I was in Columbus translated to almost half of the original planned time with my ex, gone.

I cried. I did. I sat in the Charlotte airport and cried. It was a combination of only having 3 hours of sleep, not having eaten since 7:30, and frustration that everything seemed to be going wrong – and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I was seriously distressed.

I mean it worked out anyways. I got to Columbus around 2:30, was on my way with my ex around 2:45-ish. He managed to get his time extended so it didn’t turn out to be the big time crunch like I thought it would be.

So everything worked out. I still wish I could’ve had more time to spend with my ex. I still wish everything had gone originally as planned because that would’ve have been a lot less stress on me. But at least I did get to see him. I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope that maybe the next time we hang out will last a little longer.

I feel like ruminating over him tonight and what he could potentially be feeling. But I won’t. It’s rather pointless because I’ll never arrive at a definite answer, and even if I did, it probably wouldn’t be a satisfactory one. So I’ll continue doing what I did all last semester and just continue to ignore the question of his feelings for me, as much as it does bother me.

But yeah, the rest of today has been good also. After me and my ex ate lunch, he dropped me off at my friend’s place where I’m staying the night. I spent all of tonight hanging out with my friends.

We say around and talked, tried watching a movie and then decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. That was good purely because I worked up the courage to order the dessert nachos, which we all split.

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They were really good. Ice cream and cheesecake bites on top of a tortilla thing drizzled with chocolate and caramel. I’ve wanted to try it every time I’ve gone into that restaurant, and tonight I finally did. That was fun.

And then we came back, played rock band for a couple hours or so and then sat around and goofed off forever.

I’d definitely say today was good day. I must digress and say, a part of me is a little sad I didn’t get to spend more of it with my ex. I think it’s just because I can hang out with my friends really any time I want, but his time is a lot less free, so in some ways, I value it more.

I don’t know. In all honesty, I feel frustrated with the situation between me and my ex. As much as I’m happy and content with it, I find this weird, ambiguous, undefined relationship we’re in to be really frustrating. It all goes back to me not knowing his intentions: is he using me or does he really care?? If I could know his true intentions, it would make this all easier.

But I suppose that’s one of life’s mysteries that will never be solved. I’m just glad today didn’t turn into a total disaster or let down. At least I have that to be thankful for.

Well it’s late now, and I’m still only functioning on about 3 hours of sleep plus like a 40 minute nap, so I’m quite tired too. So good night.

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This is not how I wanted to spend my last night at home.

I’m so upset with my ex tonight.
He said he was going to pick me up from the airport, take me to lunch, and we’d have some time to spend together. But that all got ruined tonight.

I texted him to double check on times, because he has to go visit family tomorrow, and he said his mom wanted him home at 1. Well that’s kind of a problem seeing as how my flight doesn’t land until 1:15. So he said he would be able to pick me up, but he would have to drop me off. That’s also a problem, because I have nowhere to be dropped off to. My friend who I’m supposed to spend the night with, isn’t planning on coming until later in the day because I was supposed to be spending that time with my ex.

Only after bitching at him did I get him to stick to the original going out to lunch plan. I don’t know how much time we’ll have because he had to haggle with his mom and I never heard back from him.

I’m just so frustrated. There are not enough curse words or exclamation points in this world to adequately convey how incredibly irritated and hurt I am.

I know it was an honest mistake. He got my flight times mixed up in his head. I’m just mad about how he handled the whole situation. On Wednesday, he told me he missed me. On Thursday, he was practically begging me to come back a day early. And today, he’s ready to drop me like a hot potato just because of a time conflict. What is that??

I know it was a conflict with family, and family comes first, and I’m not his girlfriend anymore so I don’t get priority. But really?? It feels like every time I put a little responsibility on him, I’m met with disappointment.

And the way he text-talked to me really bothered me too. When I got upset, he never even bothered to apologize for his mistake, he just got all defensive and told me to calm down, that he was doing me a favor. As if!! Ever since he came up with this idea to see me when I got back in town, it’s caused nothing but headaches. My friend has had to change her schedule several times to meet his ever changing plans. I’m completely helpless in this situation which is the most frustrating part. And he’s doing me a favor?!?

I mean, this whole situation has catapulted me right back into that mopey mood, it almost feels like I’m going through the break up all over again. This situation takes me right back to all the fights we had, the way he always turns things around on me, how he manages to make me feel like it’s my fault.

I was actually really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hanging out. Actually, I was almost giddy from the excitement, and now I have to see him and pretend like I didn’t spend all of tonight crying and being upset. I know I shouldn’t be crying, I shouldn’t be upset, he’s still going to take me out to lunch and everything, but it’s just a surge of old memories coming back that are powering the tears. I have to see him tomorrow and I can’t even tell him how much he’s upset me. I can’t explain to him why this whole situation makes me mad. He’d tell me to chill out and somehow make me feel guilty. This whole situation just shows how, even though we have a ton in common, there is still a giant gap of misunderstanding between my ex and me.

It sucks too because I always feel like I’m fighting for his time. Part of the reason I was so looking forward to seeing him, was because this would be one of the few times where we didn’t have to feel rushed. It feels like most of times that we hang out, he’s on some time crunch and only has an hour or two to spare. And that gets really frustrating for me. I mean, there have been some noticeable examples where that hasn’t happened, but more often than not, he’s squeezing me in during the few spare hours he has in a day. I don’t know whether I should interpret that to mean I’m important to him because he manages to “fit me in” his busy schedule or whether that shows I’m not important to him because he doesn’t make enough time in his schedule.

He just keeps sending me mixed signals. I have come to accept the fact that I still love him, for whatever god awful reason, I do. I can live with that. But what’s so torturous is how he keeps swinging me around with all his emotions. You know, one second he’ll do something that makes me believe, oh maybe he still has some feelings for me, and then he’ll turn right around and do something that convinces me I mean crap to him. Is he just scared of commitment?? Am I just his “backup girl”?? Is he just using me?? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me and is just denying it to himself?? I don’t know what to believe or think. I’m scared to ask him what he feels because I know he’ll just flip out and give me some line about “not pressuring him” and about how he “needs more time” and crap like that. I oftentimes wonder how he would react if I just cut him out of my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what goes on inside his brain. I just wish he wouldn’t make my life so difficult sometimes. Maybe I’m the one who’s making my life difficult by continuing to have him in my life. But you don’t just cut someone you had such a deep connection with out of your life. And I know I shouldn’t, but part of me is still holding out hope that he may ask me out again. Like I’ve said before, I thought I was going to marry the guy, it’s hard to give up on that.

Go ahead. Judge me for what you will. I’m a sick, heart broken little girl who doesn’t know how to step away from someone even though they keep hurting her. I’m ashamed of my feelings but it’s simply the truth.

I have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow, and between my fucked up emotions and my fucked up sleep schedule, I know I’m not going to get any sleep. I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know how seeing my ex will go either, since most of my excitement about seeing him is gone now. I don’t know. But I have a pounding headache and I’ll try to go to bed early regardless.

Good night.

A Wet Phone and a Facebook Chat

So I managed to drop my phone in the toilet today, which means I’m posting this blog from my computer, something I haven’t done in ages.

But yeah, if you’re wondering, I stuck my phone in my back pocket and forgot that I put it there, so when I went to use the bathroom, it just completely fell out and into the toilet. God I was so mad at myself. I knew this day would come. With as many close calls and drops that phone’s endured, I knew I was just biding my time.

So now it’s currently sitting in a Tupperware container full of rice. I’m hoping I might be able to get it back to almost the same as before. I mean, it still worked after I got it out of the toilet, it was just really glitchy. It kept trying to turn off and when I did turn it off, it kept turning itself on. The texting and internet still work, because I used them afterwards, but I’m pretty sure the external speakers/sound are completely shot.

Oh well, I asked for a new phone for Christmas anyways…

But yeah. I guess today has been pretty interesting-ish. I went to the dentist, then went to the Hallmark store with my mom. Our original intention was to have a day of shopping, but after leaving the Hallmark store, we were both hungry so we decided to grab dinner instead.

I also facebook chatted with my ex tonight. It was nice that he thought to hit me up but it was really frustrating because he kept going offline. It was/is kind of pissing me off. Like, if you’re going to go offline or take forever to respond, tell me first, give me a heads up, something, so I’m not just sitting there waiting all stupid-like.

Apparently he was so patchy because he was cleaning his room. I was hoping that meant we were gonna skype tonight, but that doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. Ugh.

I guess this is what I get. Even though we are still pretty good friends and stuff, I’m pretty sure I don’t rank very high on his priority list anymore. Oh well, not much I can do about it except get on with my own life.

But yeah, that’s been my day. Not super exciting I guess, but more exciting than what I’ve been doing the rest of the week I suppose.

I noticed today when I was stretching, that I think I have made improvements on my forward bends. I’m not sure if it’s because of the foam roller (actually I highly doubt it because this is only day 2 of using it) or if it’s because I’ve improved my form (more likely) but it did make me feel good about myself.

Okay, hold on, I’m pissed off now. I sent my ex a thing while he was offline, like “hey, wanna skype if you get this??” blah blah blah, and I saw he came back online so I messaged him again, and then he went offline again!! Ugh!! I know I shouldn’t be getting mad about this, but come on!! I don’t care who you are, you don’t just leave a conversation with no formal goodbye!! It would be one thing if he was like “hey, I’m busy, sorry, no” or something like that or if he had been like “hey, I’ve got to go now, good night” but nope!! Nothing!! Ugh.

I shouldn’t be getting mad, but I just can’t help it.
I know I said for the most part I’m happy with where things are with us, but he still pulls my heart-strings sometimes. He can still get me riled up in an instant.

And the SOB is online again. -_-

God, doesn’t the digital age just make relationships so much more difficult and complicated??

And he’s offline again. I’m gonna chalk it up to his computer doing something weird and just try to ignore it.

Anyways, social networking and digital media really do make relationships so much more complicated. Suddenly, you have all these new politeness protocols about how to act with people online and everyone can know your business. It’s a little creepy and a little frustrating. I mean, things that used to be and stay secrets, are no longer secrets. You now have this whole complicated thing of defining relationships “online”.

I really think there was much less to worry about before the advent of all this social networking stuff. I mean, at least relationship wise. I mean, people still cheated on each other, relationships still began and ended, but it was never so public. And that element, the public element, is what I think makes things so complicated now.

Ugh, I can’t tell you how many times with my ex, both during our relationship and afterwards, that I wished social networking just didn’t exist. Facebook made me so much more paranoid when I was in a relationship with him, and it made me so much more angry and jealous after we broke up. I feel pretty confident when I say that our break up probably would have been a lot easier for me if it had happened in a world without facebook or social networking in general.

Alright.
I guess that’s my rant for tonight. Blah life.
I’ll feel less frustrated and charged up in the morning after a good sleep. I don’t have any appointments to go to tomorrow so I don’t have to feel rushed or anything in the morning. I might go Christmas present shopping tomorrow though. I keep forgetting that Christmas is only 5 days away!! God, it feels like it should be another month. Time already moves so fast, and I’m only 19!! How fast will it move when I’m 30?? or 40?? or 50??

That’s a doozy of a question now.
Nighty night y’all.

I love Epsom salt baths.

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since September. Sorry about that. A lot has contributed to my absence. Mainly, on top of being super busy, I just haven’t felt like writing.

But the semester is over now. Tonight’s my first night back in Georgia. So I’ll have plenty of free time to post now. Woo! I guess I should get y’all updated then.

So school.
I’ve gotten all my final grades in except for one. All A’s so far. I’m expecting my last grade, fingers crossed, to be a B.

All of my classes were good this year, except for my history class, which is the class I’m praying I make a B in. I have determined that history just isn’t really my thing. Too many dates and too many people.

Plus the final exam for that class was killer. On top of doing multiple choice questions, a map portion, and an identification section, we were expected to write 2 full length essays!! In an hour and 45 minutes no less!! I’m sorry, but if you want me to do all that, AND write 2 awesome essays, I’m gonna need more time. I actually feel pretty good about the exam. It’s only the second essay I’m really worried about. I didn’t have time to plan out my thoughts or evidence, and to be honest, I didn’t really know the answer to the prompt, so there was some major BS-ing going on. I’m just praying for a B. If I get a B in that class, I’ll be happy.

All of my other classes were great though. Turkish was Turkish, so I didn’t have any problems there. My English class was great and I did awesome on my final presentation. I did great on my translation studies paper and entomology was easy. The final wound up not even counting in that class because I had such a good grade.

So yeah, not a bad semester, but I sure am glad it’s over with. I’ve never had a finals week so intense. But next semester, I’ll be taking Turkish again, a class on the planets, intro to world literature, a class on sex and gender in the ancient world, and French 101. I’m excited about next semester. I think all of my classes will be really fun.

I’ve also started preparing to rent my own apartment next year. We’re gonna get all that straightened out while I’m home for christmas. I can’t stand living in the dorms and I’m super excited to live on my own, off campus, next year. No roommate to worry about, I’ll be able to cook my own food, it’ll be great I think. I’ve got several apartments already picked out, but I haven’t looked at any of them yet. The public season for the main ones I’m looking at doesn’t start until January 11th, so I have to wait. Fingers crossed though that I find the perfect apartment without too much difficulty. And that everything works out money wise because we’re planning on paying for my apartment out of pocket.

Me and my mom talked briefly about that tonight. She estimated it’ll cost $1000 a month for me to live off campus, but I think her estimate is too high. That’s all based on my spending this year and hypothetical utility bills. Living in an apartment will cut down on my spending costs because I won’t be eating out so much. And there are ways (I’m prepared to sacrifice) to make utility bills lower.

But yeah. I’m planning on staying in Columbus, basically year round. I want to get an off campus job this summer on top of my on campus job when next school year starts up. I’m going to pay for rent and possibly some other stuff if I can. I’m prepared (well, working on it) and I think everything will work out.

I’m sure those of you (if you do exist) that care about my meager life for some reason, want to know about me and my ex. And I can honestly say, things are good. I feel like our relationship has reached a point of balance and comfortability. You know, I’ve accepted that we’re not together and I’m okay with that. Maybe well get back together one day, maybe we won’t. But things are really good.

I’ve finally reached a place of emotional stability. I’m not constantly swinging back and forth between extremes anymore. Yes, I still do fantasize about us being together, but that fantasizing doesn’t send me into a depression like it used to. I think I can honestly say I’m happy with the current situation. It may not be ideal. Others may think its not right or not healthy or whatever, but I’m pretty content.

I’ve found lowering my standards has helped. Haha. I’ve stopped expecting so much from my ex. Maybe he’s not acting the way I want or imagined originally, but I can’t control him, and that’s okay. He talks to me when he talks to me. When see each other when we see each other. There’s not many expectations or pressure. And he’s still there for me. I mean, he took me to the airport this morning. He’s taking care of my plants over break. Things are good. We’ll see where the future takes us.

So yeah, that’s my update for now. That’s all I can think of that’s major. Perhaps I’ll have something more interesting to post tomorrow. But basically, I just wanted to say, I’m back!!

A Beautiful Disaster

Today was just ugh.

First off, my ex skipped Turkish class. I still got to see him today, I’ll get to that later. But it just irritated me. Remember how I said I can’t let myself get disappointed by my expectations?? Yeah, it really threw me off, threw me off my routine.

I mean, today was good on some levels. I went over to my friend’s house and she made me dinner. After some homework, we went on an ice cream run and watched the season finale of Futurama.

But anyways, I saw my ex today first because I needed to give him some stuff from Turkish. So he did get to see my dress and all. His reaction wasn’t quite what I was hoping. He called it fancy, said my hair was funky. But I don’t know. Just not the reaction I was hoping for.

And then I saw him again later. He walked me home from my friend’s house because her apartment is relatively close to his. We went and bought cigarettes and saw the police tackle some dude. Actually, I didn’t see it. I just saw the aftermath. He walked me to my dorm. But I don’t know. I’m just annoyed.

It seems like he never has time for me really. Like even walking me home; I understand he needs to go to sleep – but he sacrifices his sleep for his guy friends, why not me??

It’s just so hard. The connection between us just feels off. I feel like it would be better if we spent more time together, I feel like it would be better if we were still dating. But now that we’re trying to “just be friends”, when we’re in person, things just feel off. I don’t even know how to explain it.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with myself. I don’t know why I’m still bothering with him. If I could snap my fingers and make myself stop loving him, make myself be over him, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It’s just really too inconvenient.

I also feel like he doesn’t want me to hang around his guy friends either, the same ones I used to spend a ton of time with when we were dating. When I visited his apartment last Friday, him and I were the only ones there. He could’ve invited me to his apartment tonight (though he did need to go to sleep) but he didn’t, and I feel like it’s because his guy friends/roommates were there. I wonder if they’re still discouraging any type of relationship between us, like they did after we first broke up. I wonder if he’s “keeping me a secret”.

I don’t know.

On the one hand, I feel like we are so perfect for each other. But on the other hand, I feel like we’re a miserable train wreck. I wonder if that’s my lot in life – to be a train wreck. Maybe for whatever reason, I am destined in this lifetime to never settle down, to never find “the one”. Maybe I’m destined to be a disaster.

Maybe in a past life, I was too attached to relationships. And so in this life, I am being forced to learn how to unattach. I’m having to cleanse the negative karma of unhealthy attachment, love addiction. Maybe in a past life I was plagued with extreme fear of abandonment, and so in this life I am being forced to get over that. It’s sucks, but it’s a thought I really kind of believe.

I don’t even know what to say right now. I don’t feel like talking. I’m just annoyed. My adult brain is telling me I need to go to sleep because I have to wake up so early in the morning. My teenager brain is telling me I’m not tired, I don’t care. It’s telling me to fuck it.

I wish I had the ability to say “fuck it” to this (non)relationship. I wish I could not care. I wish it didn’t affect the entirety of my being every day. I wish I could take things day by day, instead of constantly worrying about the future and overanalyzing the present.

I guess we all have our lots in life to live. And I guess this is mine. Are we really the masters of our own destinies?? Or just puppets of fate?? I don’t know.
And to that question I have one thing to say:

Fuck it.

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